Manchester United's Jukebox: A Guided Tour Through the Red Devils' Greatest Hits

There was a time—a simpler, more innocent time—when football and the pop charts were inextricably linked. Every May, the teams who reached the FA Cup final would release a hit to go along with it.

This performance by Cockney songsters Chas & Dave and the 1987 Tottenham Hotspur squad on the iconic BBC children's show Blue Peter was what passed for normal at the time.

Every World Cup would come with a song from the England squad. Occasionally they would be touched by genuine musical greatness. More often they would most definitely not.

Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle took the fact that their names rhymed to all the way to Top of the Pops with the release of the 1987 smash "Diamond Lights." This was the cultural context of the times, and Manchester United were part of the whole glorious mess.

This, of course, was not the first time football had dallied with the pop charts.

In 1976, before the glitz and glamour of the '80s football song boom, Martin Buchan—who played 456 games for the Red Devils, per Website of Dreams—released what can only really be described as a diss track about his teammates. Imagining it in a modern context is almost impossible. 

It is all meant in good fun, of course, but he essentially lists the failings of his fellow United players, over a jaunty, flute-heavy blues background. It's called "The Old Trafford Blues" and it is absolutely scathing.

"

There's Alex Forsyth.

He's the one they call the ball boy's friend.

His crosses to the far-post, land up in the Stretford End.

"

Easily as brutal as anything Drake wrote about Meek Mill. But he's not done yet.

"

Then there's Brian Greenhoff.

He's got lots of skill.

And he really needs it,

To play with Gordon Hill.

"

Ouch. This was the 1970s equivalent of Chris Smalling releasing a record with a lyric like "Then there's Juan Mata, he's got great control. And he really needs it, to control Rooney's shanked through balls."

That would, of course, never happen. Even by the time the '80s had arrived, Buchan's freewheeling fun would have seemed out of place. The time had come for a glamorous new era, and United were ready.

Bleacher Report

We start with something very well-known. If you've been to Old Trafford, you've heard a version of it. It's played at half-time and at full-time. Under Louis van Gaal, when another limp 0-0 draw had played out during the first 45 minutes, it always felt somewhat ironic. It is, of course, "Glory, Glory Man United."

Frank Renshaw, famed as a member of '60s British Invasion stalwarts Herman's Hermits, is credited as the songwriter. It is probably one of the more straightforward composition jobs of his illustrious career.

Set to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," it had been released by Spurs as a B-Side to their 1981 FA Cup final song "Ossie's Dream" and had been a chant on the terraces at United and Hibernian among others for a good length of time before that.

This being the '80s, it starts with a triumphant synthesised horn section, before an actual guitar—dripping in the production effects of the age—kicks in with a rocking riff. And if you were not pumped up enough, here come the lads, singing together.

When they get to the first verse, you hear Renshaw's work for the first time. "Just like the Busby Babes in days gone by, we'll keep the red flag flying high." It's pretty standard United fare. By the end of the first verse, we get some FA Cup specific business with a rendition of "we're the famous Man United and we're going to Wem-ber-ley."

They're the classics for a reason, of course. but there's not all that much invention here. Also the bit that goes "U-nited, Man United" is very bad.

It's a C+ effort all round. Okay, we'll bump it up to a B- because somewhere in that melange of voices is Bryan Robson, and anything involving Bryan Robson deserves an extra half mark at least.

However, B- attempt though it may be, "Glory, Glory Man United" feels like a composition by J.S. Bach with lyrics by Shakespeare when it is held in comparison to their next FA Cup effort.

Two years later, Wembley beckoned once more. That event is remembered for Norman Whiteside's brilliant injury-time winner against Everton that ensured Ron Atkinson's men lifted the trophy.

It is very definitely not remembered for the very definitely atrocious song that was released at the time. "We All Follow Man United" is truly terrible. Take a moment to listen.

Done? Right, sorry about putting you through that, but we've made it through in one piece together. The opening sounds like the theme tune to an '80s kids' TV show. The drum beat sounds like it was made on an '80s' kids' toy. And the lyrics could very easily have been written by an actual '80s' child.

"

We're the boys in red, the leaders of the pack,

And the whole world knows our name.

Strong in defence, united in attack,

We know our aim, is winning the game.

"

This reached No. 10 in the charts. Number 10. In the actual music charts. People bought this record. The things we do for our football teams...

The early Alex Ferguson era saw a lull in United's chart released schedule. Perhaps scarred by just how bad "We All Follow Man United" was, the squad chose not to press the issue.

By the time 1994 had rolled around, though, things were very different. Grunge had arrived. United had won the title. And it was time for the ultimate coming together of football and music. It was time for the Red Devils to team up with the world heavyweight champions of three-chord dad-rock, Status Quo. It was time for "Come on You Reds."

The fact that the Quo were Spurs fans did not get in the way of them giving their creative all. What emerged from this collaboration was a bona fide banger.

"

Busby Babes they always make me cry.

Thinking 'bout the teams of times gone by.

Charlton, Edwards, Law and Georgie Best.

We're United you can keep the rest.

"

An emotive and powerful first verse. By the end of it, all red-blooded United fans are more than happy to agree that "you can keep the rest."

But the true innovation, the earworm to end all football earworms is yet to come. Status Quo are about to send into immortality one of the greatest United squads of all time. They would have been remembered for their footballing achievements, of course they would. But now they will be forever remembered in song.

Altogether now...

"Schmeichel,

"Parker,

"Pallister."

A strong start.

"Irwin,

"Bruce,

"Sharpe and Ince."

You might be thinking, "wow, what a team." "We're just getting started," think the Quo.

"Hughes, McClair, Keane and Cantona." Sorry, what was that? Did you just say "Hughes, McClair, Keane and Cantona?" Now we are absolutely talking. "Keane and Cantona? In the same team?"

Yes, say the Quo, and for good measure they'll throw in "Robson, Kanchelskis and Giggs." No wonder United won as much as they did. As well as reaching the top of the league, they got to the top of the charts. How could they not with a tune like this at their disposal?

Incidentally, they were knocked off the top spot by Wet Wet Wet and "Love is All Around," which kept its place at No. 1 for approximately 100 years (that may be a slight exaggeration.)

It never really got better than that. "Move Move Move (The Red Tribe)" was a slice of techno-pop that still works if you switch off the quality control filter in your brain and just want a slice of straightforward '90s-ness. But pretty much any empirical measure would surely mark it as average at best.

But talking of '90s-ness...It's time to talk about "Lift It High (All About Belief)."

It is, in its way, a tour de force. It could not be more of an Oasis rip-off if it tried. Every musical cue in the whole thing sounds like it was stolen straight from the mind of Noel Gallagher. Given his status as celebrity Manchester City fan, there is some irony there. But even unironically, the whole thing sort of works.

Mostly this is because of the video. The lyrics play their part, sure. "If you believe in us, we'll repay that trust" has a certain impact with the hindsight of knowing that they absolutely did.

But the video is magical.

Black-and-white shots of the '99 squad gathered around microphones are interspersed with stylised shots of the Old Trafford crowd and the team in action. Well, most of the squad.

Roy Keane is, obviously, not there. But Jaap Stam is. Sharing a mic with Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and Dwight Yorke; the world's least likely boy band. No wonder they're singing "It's all about belief." If this thing can exist, then maybe anything truly is possible.

In a football sense, anything turned out to be possible, and that group of singers with questionable—if era-appropriate—haircuts became one of the greatest teams of all time.

That was pretty much it for United and pop, though. Here's hoping it makes a comeback one day. On second thoughts, having just listened to all of those tracks in pretty quick succession, perhaps it is for the best if it never does.