The Terrible Ten Of College Football: Week Five

Go, Al Groh, go!

Al and his Virginia Cavaliers whipped Butch Davis' North Carolina Tar Heels much like Stonewall Jackson did Nathanial Banks in the Shenandoah all those kickoffs ago.

Groh went from win-less to tied for first in the wild Atlantic Coast Conference in a single Saturday!

Indiana's over them hills Virginia boys; give 'em cold steel!

And give Al the ACC title!

1] The State of Kentucky [Louisville, Kentucky, Western Kentucky 0-6 the last two weeks]

Kentucky, the state, was beaten respectively by Pittsburgh, Navy, and Alabama last week.

But as Sam Cooke sang, a change is gonna come.

Even the winless Western Kentucky Hilltoppers have a chance this week battling the winless Florida Golden Panthers in a shoot out only the brave, or the bored, could sit through.

And what sadistic SEC schedule maker gave the Kentucky Wildcats Florida, Alabama, and nasty trips to South Carolina and Auburn all in a row? 

No wonder Rich Brooks looks like he is on the rack with a Joker grinning behind him.

Maybe next year Kentucky can squeeze the New York Giants in there somewhere.

2] Illinois [1-3]

After a blow out to Penn State that featured a passive defense and an offense utterly lacking in imagination, Coach Ron Zook said he lacked time to make adjustments.

Time is not on Zook's side.

But he did junk the Juice Williams.

After benching the Juice for Eddie McGee, Zook promised to at least entertain fans with a heart wrenching half time rendition of Me and Eddie McGee.

You know feeling good was good enough for me, Good enough for me and my Eddie McGee.

3] New Mexico [0-5]

Coach Cochise was a master of defense in New Mexico, so one would think the Lobos could win one game at home a year?

How about some Apache home field advantage?

At least Lobo Mike Locksley didn't Tom Cable any assistants this week with the feared Lock Knock out!

4] California  6-72 [the score of the last two slaughters of the Golden Bears]

The wheels have not flown off a contender so viciously since Mike Tyson demolished Mike Spinks on the Boardwalk of Atlantic City.

Mercifully that fight lasted just minutes.

Watching the Bears play the last two weeks was like Spinks having his shorts stuck on the ropes and getting pounded by Tyson for two hours straight.

Stop the fight! 

Save the Bears!

4] Florida International-Atlantic [0-6]

Perhaps Florida has not only reached its real estate limit, maybe it over extended its football talent pool limit too.

5] Florida State [2-3]

Times are tough in the Sunshine State.

Look at Bobby Bowden: One week a legend, the next boosters want to chase him through the swamps like bank robber Jay Ashley.

Watch your back Bobby and keep that air boat ready.

6] Rice [0-5]

It was Tulsa time as the Rice got burnt again.

27-10 Tulsa Hurricane time, right over Rice

Livin' on Tulsa time
Livin' on Tulsa time
Gonna set my watch back to it
Cause you know I've been through it
Livin' on Tulsa time

7] Colorado [1-3]

Forty-four tons of Bison meet rotted in South Dakota last week.

It wasn't the worse smelling Buffalo in the west.

8] Ball State [0-5]

It's been a bad fall for both Ball State and its most famous alumni Dirty Dave Letterman.

But it seems at least Dirty Dave has game.

9] Memphis [1-4]

Wild Tommy West almost had Central Florida then luck, like Lucy with Charlie Brown, lifted the football right out from under him.

And there is no rest for Wild West for he has the suddenly vicious UTEP Miners to deal with Saturday.

Times are getting tough for Tommy.

But I'm as blue as a boy can be
Then I'm walking in Memphis
Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale
Walking in Memphis
But do I really feel the way I feel

10] Miami of Ohio [0-5]

RedHawk coach Mike Haywood has been out scored 204-58 in his first five games.

Haywood says his team is getting better each wee,k unlike the cross-state Cleveland Browns..

In fact by the end of the year, Haywood is fairly confident his team will be able to beat the Cleveland Browns of Ohio in the "Winless in Ohio Crooked River Beer Bowl," which will be played on an old barge set adrift in Lake Erie.