Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden Race for the Record

Florida State's Bobby Bowden, 78, and Penn State's Joe Paterno, 81, are in a race to see who survives longest without a serious medical meltdown.  Not exactly a sprint, but it could easily turn into a wheelchair race.

The all-time NCAA victories record will never be broken, so its the Fossil Facedown. Whoever has the big stroke, heart attack, or bout with dementia loses.

No future coach will last as long as these two Grumpy Old Men.

It would be easier if Paterno and Bowden either just settled it with bowie knives and biting, er maybe gumming. Otherwise, PSU and FSU should just play each other every week of every season until one of the ancient ones collapses...or is placed in a home.

Joe will stay, even if they prop him up in a tower or a booth. They can drive him around in a golf cart like the dead guy in "Weekend at Bernie's."

Bowden seems to have soured a bit more then his older rival. But Bowden has ceded more control then The Godfather of Happy Valley. JoePa has gotten nastier with the press. Bowden mostly looks depressed.

Joe hates the Internet. Bobby hates beating or being beaten by his boys. Bobby doesn't know why his players pack pistols, pot, and speed around the Gold Coast. Joe has no idea why his wide receiver pulled out a blade and tried to stab an offensive lineman on campus.

Both programs are in decline. Penn State and Florida State are no longer mentioned in the National title Hunt. Both programs are no longer even mentioned in their respective Conference Title hunts. Both programs made a mistake in joining their respective conferences.

Before, they could skate through a fairly easy schedule and be well positioned to play for the National title. Today, each team expects at least two conference losses.

Both men fear the fate of Bear Bryant. Retire and die. Quickly. Paterno has said he has absolutely no hobbies other then football and has mentioned how quickly Bear Bryant went to that final kickoff once he retired. Bowden said after retirement, there is only one big event left in life. 

One wonders if it is two old men putting their respective desires above the common good of the program. But at least Bowden has presented a succession plan. Penn State, like its offense for the last decade, is in limbo.

Limbo Bingo. The Big Sleep. The long dirt nap. The Seminole Bingo big final jackpot. That's what each man fears. The Record is a bit of immortality.

Both coaches have found themselves stressed by criticisms of their children installed on their coach staffs. Cries of bungling nepotism ring out. Both coaches have players running rampant and being arrested for a variety of things, but younger coaches face that problem also.

Joe's big problem is that he can't beat Michigan and Ohio State. And he can't develop a quarterback. If you're a top High School quarterback, do you go play for a grumpy 81-year-old man and have his nice, but incompetent son Jay, teach you the fundamentals of quarterbacking? 

Top Prospect Terrelle Pryor from Pennsylvania said no way and went to Ohio State. Pennsylvania product Chad Henne beat Penn State all four years at Michigan.

When the Phoenix Cardinals worked out Penn State 2007 Quarterback Antony Morella, a Cardinal Scout said he was "severely undercoached." Morelli had all the physical talents of the top picks but was fundamentally flawed due to poor coaching. His coach? Jay Paterno.

Joe refuses to say when he will leave or even name a replacement. Joe is an angry old man. Watch him rage each week at red-headed ex-Penn State Quarterback now assistant coach Mike Mcquary.

Joe had his "old man" moments. He ran off the field against Michigan with the runs. His leg was broken in a game. Recently he was hospitalized for exhaustion. If I'm Joe's agent that Michigan Moment, running with the runs, is used as a product endorsement for some anti-diarrhea drug. But Joe doesn't need the dough.

Neither does Bobby. But both old men want, perhaps crave, that record. The ultimate win record. Never to be broken. An eternal shrine. A touch of immortality as the final fade out looms forever.

And who can blame them?

373 to 372. Bowden by one. 81 to 78. Bowden by three.

Its on....Either Dylan Thomas

Or a Grumpy Old Men remix...

Max Goldman: Joe, Joe? Are you dead?
Joe Gustafson: Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.