Sundays From the Cellar: Welcome to 0-3

Documenting the unenviable chore that is following the worst team in the NFL, the St. Louis Rams.

Record: 0-3

Sunday’s Inevitable Outcome: Green Bay 36, Rams 17

Week 3 Viewing Strategy: Hope for a nap by the third quarter.

All appeared to be going as planned early in the first quarter as the Rams were doing their part to make the game uninteresting by racking up penalties, killing drives, having field goals blocked and generally confirming why I feel the need to write a column about following a horrific football team.

But then Marc Bulger got injured, Kyle Boller took over and the team suddenly had life, pumping out two touchdowns in the second quarter and heading into the locker room with momentum on their side.  After opening the scoring in the second half with a field goal to bring the score to 23-17, the wheels came off and Green Bay ran away.

Though it was a quarter later than expected, the inevitable nap arrived after the Packers stretched their lead to 29-17 in the fourth quarter.  At that point, the back of my eyelids looked a lot better than anything out of the Edward Jones Dome.

Fun with Richie Incognito
Hey, Richie (#68), I don’t mean to be an armchair offensive guard but the three guys you’re supposed to be blocking are five yards behind you about ready to cream your quarterback…

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Most Annoying Fox Promo
For two years, Fox has been promoting the show Lie to Me starring Tim Roth – the dude who robbed the restaurant with his ugly wife in Pulp Fiction – as some sort of a human lie detector.  And for two years, every commercial for the show features the exact same thing – the main character asking a question, then staring at the person and inevitably declaring that they’re lying. It leads me to two questions: 1.) if you had this talent, wouldn’t you drop the detective gig, move to Vegas and become the most dominating poker player of all time?  2.) Does his skill allow him to determine when the person he’s talking to thinks he’s a huge douchebag?  Because if so, he’d see right through me in a heartbeat.

Offensive “Ram” of the Week
At the time of the injury to his throwing shoulder, Marc Bulger was 3/4 for 23 yards and one lost fumble.  In his absence the Rams offense produced 10 more points than they had in the first two games with Bulger at the helm.  Dynamic as always, Marc.

Stat showing just how bad the Rams offense is
When Laurent Robinson left the game in the second quarter with a leg injury, the Rams lost the wide receiver who, going into the game, had accounted for 48% of the Rams receiving yards with a grand total of 141 and had their only touchdown.  Repeat: Laurent Robinson, a name I’m willing to bet you had never heard coming into the season, accounted for half of the Rams receiving yards in their first two games.

Next QB in line if Boller gets injured:

The Moment of Doubt
Starting quarterback Marc Bulger went down with an injury in the second quarter, giving way to backup Kyle Boller.  In his first four drives, Boller led the Rams to two touchdowns and a field goal – with his two TD passes doubling Bulger’s production in two full games.  Was getting the apathetic Bulger off the field the spark that this offense needed?

The Moment of Truth
With 6 minutes to go in the fourth quarter, trailing by 12 points, the Rams were down to their last ditch effort to get back into the game. On 3rd down, Kyle Boller dropped back and fired a pass that was intercepted by Charles Woodson on his own 25 yard line.  Three plays later the Packers were waltzing into the endzone to seal the 36-17 win.

Competition for #32
While the Rams now hold the longest streak without a win (13 games), they do have some serious competition for the title of “worst team in the NFL”.  With the Chiefs and the Browns both in the mix, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers may have staked their claim this week by delivering a truly horrific performance in a 24-0 loss to the Giants.  The Bucs offense racked up a whopping 86 yards of total offense in the game and managed just five first downs, with four of them coming on the final drive of the game. Their “top performer” on Yahoo’s Game Channel was QB Josh Johnson who completed 4 of 10 passes for 36 yards.  And the sad thing was that he actually was their top performer.

Up Next: @ San Francisco (2-1)

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