Trey's Hot Wife's Theory on “Respiratory Illness”

Perhaps it is because my undergrad alma mater, the Hoosiers, suffered an undeserved loss at the hands of Michigan…or perhaps because once again, I get to brag about my Master’s school Northwestern, who doesn’t have to win because we own the teams…but this adopted gator gal is suspicious.

Starting Friday, we here in Florida were inundated with news stories discussing Tim-Tim Tebow’s “respiratory illness”.  Later, throughout Saturday, we learned that Tim-Tim was being flown in to Pennsyltucky (excuse me…I was a Hoosier swimmer…) along with two other team members apart from the rest of the team.  My mind started racing.  Why bring in sick players at all?  Why not just put face masks on them and send them in with their team?  Perhaps the rest of the team was infected and it was only Dear Tim-Tim and his two team-mates who were healthy…perhaps there was a CONSPIRACY occurring here!

Loving a great mystery, (ok…I am as sick of the whole Kennedy issue as you are), I let my mind run wild.  What if Coach Urban had a great idea:  let Pennsyltucky (sic) think that our not-so-secret weapon was out of commission to make them overly confident at their home game.  Just think!  We get them all pumped up thinking Tim-Tim is ill-ill and they have it made in the shade!

And so, sitting in the Daytona Ale House with my beloved Trey-Trey and neighbor gal-pal Judy, we witnessed the onslaught.  First, a field goal.  We clapped and whistled and chanted “you date your mother!”  at the big-screen tv’s all playing the game.  It was only the beginning.  Darling lovely Tim-Tim scored three, THREE touchdowns, running, throwing, looking anything but ill!  IT WORKED!  We had freaked out Pennsyltucky and they were definitely deflated!

Enter the third quarter.  Beautiful Tim-Tim is coughing into his sleeve and looking slightly peaked.  He is sacked (EEEK!) by some Pennsyltuckyian by the name of Wyndham (I’ll never ever stay in one of those hotels again!).  Over and over we see the replay of Amazing Tim-Tim going down, head snapping into his chest and lying still on the field. 

The bar hushed.  Not a word was spoken, the cow bells were all broken.  And for ten minutes, we were on our own, sweat growing cold and no cell ring tones…that’s just not how it used to be!

And then, Dearest Tim-Tim is carried off the field…with a towel covering his head…and we sigh.  Is this going to change the game?  Did Coach Urban play it all wrong?  Will Tim-Tim rise again???

Poor Coach Rich didn’t have a chance.  Thanks to Tim-Tim’s performance, Pennsyltucky didn’t have a chance in, well Pennsyltucky to recover.  With a final score of 41 to 7, we sighed with relief, said a prayer for our Darling Tim-Tim and looked forward to an awesome tailgate party in Baton Rouge. 

Moral of the story:  Hoosier Losers have to get their jollies where they can. Coach Urban, whatever your theory is or was, we dig you.  I love Florida!