TSN Cribs - O.J. Simpson

Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault.  It’s a spoof so I hope nobody is offended.

OK, this time I’m not messing around. We are entering the house of a double murderer so I’m locked an loaded. I’m packing a Dirty Harry .44 Magnum so I feel a little secure in O.J. Simpson’s house. O.J. moved to Florida so he can avoid paying Fred Goldman the money he’s owed in the civil suit. He better not slip up again though as Florida will throw his butt on death row.

In the foyer O.J. has two large murals of himself. One is O.J. in his USC jersey. The other he’s wearing Jason’s hockey mask. I’m just playing, he’s in his Bills jersey. When I close the front door it sounds like a prison door being shut. It sends chills down your spine. The house is not well lit. I guess O.J. doesn’t want his neighbors to know what he’s up to.

O.J. has turned the living room into an inventory room for the crap his hocking. He has an ample supply of his book “If I Did It”, a DVD of his “Juiced with O.J. Simpson” Pay-per-view, autographs of his mugshot, and replicas of his famous glove. He also is offering $10 DVDs of The Naked Gun. On the TV, O.J. is running a loop of his famous Hertz car rental commercial. He often sits in his recliner and thinks back to when America loved him.

The kitchen is spotless except for the large cutting board on the counter. Again I feel chills down my spine. O.J. has several large butcher knives prominently on display. In the fridge is some leftover mystery meat and several cartons of Orange Juice. He has taped pictures of himself on the cartons. There is a hand-written note near the phone from Kato Kaelin. Kato is asking to move in with O.J. because he’s tired of being out of the spotlight.

Up the stairs leads to O.J.’s trophy room. After the trial, you almost forget how good of an athlete he actually was. He has awards dating back from his high school days up until the replica HOF bust he got in 1986. He has a plaque commemorating his 2000 season. In place of his Heisman Trophy, O.J. has a replica made out of clay. It’s not quite the same, but O.J. pretends it is. Are you gonna argue with him? Me neither.

O.J. has a King bed with rough linens. He got used to it in jail, and used it ever since. He has portraits of Robert Shapiro, Marcia Clark, and the late Johnnie Cochran. He has his famous leather gloves on the wall with “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit” stenciled below it. O.J. also has a large hunter knife on his nightstand. That was the last straw. I’m getting out of here.

Heading out the back door you’ll see O.J.’s white Ford Bronco. In the distance O.J. is calling out “hello”. Well, that’s a wrap. I gotta roll. Until next time, this is TSN Cribs.

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