TSN Cribs - Mike Tyson

Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault.  It’s a spoof so I hope nobody is offended.

Welcome back to TSN Cribs. Today we are going to take a walk on the wild side. You’ll notice the full body armor I’m sporting today. We are venturing into the the home of Iron Mike Tyson. This is the second time TSN Cribs profiled Iron Mike Tyson. If you remember, the first time his then-wife Robin Givens took us on the tour complete with his pet Tiger in the backyard. This time the digs aren’t quite as lush. The house is made of partical board. There is no air conditioning. No need to worry about spills because of the dirt floor. The door falls off the hinge when it swings open. “Don’t worry about that” says Tyson. “That happens all the time. It’s totally preposterous and ludicrous.” Tyson puts the door back on the hinge and takes us into the living room.

This is a special room for me. I like to come in here and unwind. I have some custom couches, which are actually the back seat of a couple of old Buicks. “It’s fabulous because if I get too hopped up on weed I can buckle myself in so I don’t fall over. I have a small TV, but the good thing is I steal the cable from the guy next door. The preposterous thing is he doesn’t even know.” Not exactly how you’d think an ex-Champ would be living, but we’ll move on to the kitchen.

“I got this cardboard box from the neighbor. He was just going to throw it out. It’s completely ludicrous because I was able to use it for my kitchen table. I like to cook when I can scrape up enough money to go to the grocery store. Every time I’m there, they ask me if I am there to get Lennox Lewis’ children for dinner.” There is a jar of pickles, some SPAM, a loaf of bread that has turned greener than the Incredible Hulk, and a couple of cans of beer in the fridge. The phone is hanging off the hook, but that’s OK according to Tyson. “I haven’t paid that bill in years”.

“Next I’ll show you my bedroom. That’s where all of the magic happens. As you know I’m a semi-good husband so I’m always on the prowl for some new action.” There are several holes on the walls in here. Obviously he still has some of his anger issues. On the nightstand is a vial containing Evander Holyfield’s ear.   ”It’s Holyfield’s fault you know. If he didn’t headbutt me, I would have been so dazed and behind in the fight. I wouldn’t have had to take actions.” On his nightstand, which is actually an old microwave he found in the dumpster, is Mike’s ankle bracelet. “When I’m in the house, I like to leave it here. It’s such a pain to have it on at all times. I mean, what if I’m have a lady over. It would be nonsensical for me to have it on then and scare her away.” Mike, everyone is aware of your rape conviction. Women are already afraid of you.

The bathroom is really disgusting. There is just a hole in the ground where Mike relieves himself. When he has to go #2 he heads over to the Laundromat or goes in his neighbor’s backyard. The mirror is smashed. Mike saw a reflection of himself in the mirror one day, an his tattoo scared him. He landed four right hooks before he realized it was just his reflection.

Heading to the backyard, you can start to smell rotten feces. Mike has somewhere in the neighborhood of 350 pigeons he keeps back here. They truly are his pride and joy. “Whenever I need a release, I come back here and talk to the pigeons.”

Well, Don King has stopped over. He must be looking for new ways to milk money out of Tyson and his likeness. Not wanting to feel any slimier, I’ll just slip out of the backyard an avoid King altogether. That’s it for TSN Cribs. Thanks for coming on the journey. Until next time, this is TSN Cribs.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding
Pacman Jones 
Wilt Chamberlain     
Nick Saban 
Barry Bonds
Kevin Garnett

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