A (Not So) Serious Look at How Wolfsburg vs. Manchester United Will Play out
Manchester United, much like Lady Gaga, find themselves on the "Edge of Glory."
Louis van Gaal's men will be at the Volkswagen Arena in Wolfsburg on Tuesday evening, knowing that only a victory will guarantee safe passage to the Champions League knockout round. Otherwise, it's Thursday-night European fun for Bastian Schweinsteiger and the gang.
But the challenge will not be easy. To succeed, United will have to score an actual goal—and probably a winning goal.
Will the Red Devils manage to find the net in Lower Saxony? Will the defence be able to contain Nicklas Bendtner's constant penetration?
We've provided a rather tongue-in-cheek prediction of proceedings for your consideration, Take a look and leave your thoughts in the comments.
Before Kick-off
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The mood in the Manchester United dressing room is one of confidence. There may be no Wayne Rooney or Morgan Schneiderlin on hand to help, but there is vague hope that one of the most expensive squads in the world can handle themselves against Germany's fifth-best team.
Memphis Depay spent the flight over watching episodes of Michael Owen's Soccer Skills to improve his finishing, while Juan Mata has been proudly wearing his "Hello, My Name Is Juan" badge that usually prevents him being ignored by his manager.
But Van Gaal, having already made it clear he does not believe this team can win the competition, deflates the mood by eschewing any kind of team talk. He puts Ryan Giggs in charge before heading off to a toilet cubicle to check Facebook and play Words with Friends.
5th Minute
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United come out of the blocks much faster than usual. Several players even break into a gentle jog.
One of their sideways passes accidentally goes forward as Jesse Lingard puts Anthony Martial through on goal. But the shot goes high into the stands—where the home fans are used to collecting Bendtner shots.
14th Minute
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Unlike Manuel Pellegrini, Wolfsburg manager Dieter Hecking is diligent enough to run the numbers for group-stage qualification. He knows that a loss will probably see them lose their knockout-round spot, while a draw will see some extremely complicated permutations unfold with PSV Eindhoven.
Hecking attempts to bypass United's stingy defence by telling his front line to take ambitious potshots from distance. Bas Dost forces a corner when David De Gea tips his 30-yarder over the bar.
29th Minute
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Nearly half an hour has been played and there are still no goals and only a handful of shots.
Van Gaal gets out his phone again and fires up iPlayer to catch up on the latest episode of Pointless. He nails the "George Michael's Top 40 UK Singles" category and thrusts his fist in the air with glee. The celebration coincides with Chris/Mike Smalling getting kicked in the groin. Awkward.
34th Minute
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Penalty! As a free-kick floats in, Naldo drags Martial to the ground by his shirt and is given a yellow card.
Bastian Scwheinsteiger—the team's natural leader who knows a thing or two about playing against German sides—steps up from 12 yards...and his effort is saved!
Schweini looks devastated and is given massive pelters by the home crowd.
Unglaublich!
Half-Time
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It may be shocking to learn that a half of football involving Manchester United is unremarkable, but this one isn't making the season highlights DVD just yet.
Meanwhile, news filters through that PSV Eindhoven are 2-0 up over CSKA Moscow. This means the Red Devils absolutely need a win.
Meanwhile, unimpressed by the action he has watched, Wayne Rooney sits at home regretting his BT Sport subscription. He decides to switch over to catch an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse he hasn't seen before.
51st Minute
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Goal! Wolfsburg take the lead!
It's a nightmare scenario for Daley Blind, whose poor backpass is pounced upon by Andre Schurrle. The former Chelsea man needs only one touch to poke it low past De Gea.
Van Gaal briefly glances up from his crochet to survey the situation. "Plan B," he mutters to Giggs, who immediately tells Marouane Fellaini to go for a jog.
64th Minute
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Sadly, Fellaini's impact on the game is not a positive one. No less than five minutes after coming on, the big Belgian heads for an early shower after he puts a nasty elbow on Julian Draxler.
Reaction on Twitter is muted as everyone is watching the Manchester City game instead.
73rd Minute
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Down to 10 men, Manchester United have much more of a sense of urgency about them.
Van Gaal, suddenly aware that United are in danger of not earning a draw, puts down his Margarita and sends Memphis Depay on. The move pays dividends almost immediately, as the Dutchman converts a glorious free-kick from 25 yards.
It's 1-1, but due to PSV's imminent victory over CSKA Moscow, it's not enough for United.
86th Minute
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The final 10 minutes are tense, as both sides try to push for a goal to ensure progress to the knockout rounds.
On the Wolfsburg bench, Hecking is furiously working through the permutations to see if his side or PSV will finish top of the group. They are even on head-to-head results, head-to-head goals scored, head-to-head away goals and overall group performance.
After consulting UEFA rules, it appears that the group leader will be decided by an egg-and-spoon race between each club's kit man on alternate Sundays until a winner is declared.
91st Minute
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Die Wolfe huff and puff but they cannot breach United's defence in the final seconds of the game. United continue to knock the ball around with all the tempo of the second half of a pub-league game.
United look set for their fourth consecutive draw—and a few Thursday nights in obscure European locales—when Mata picks up the ball on the right flank. He proceeds to beat two defenders before putting in a cross for Martial, who toe pokes home the winner.
Replays suggest the goal is hugely offside, but it stands and it looks like Manchester United will be in the final 16.
Full-Time
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Drama! It's all over and the stadium rings out with boos as United progress in controversial circumstances.
Most pundits agree that the Red Devils did not deserve to progress at Wolfsburg's expense, while neutral fans collectively grumble on Twitter at the thought of having to watch more of this team in Europe.
Post-match, Van Gaal expresses delight in both the result and the fact that he was able to finish his Robert Ludlum novel in the second half.
United head for the airport and start planning for Saturday's 0-0 draw at Bournemouth.
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