Jerry Jones Upset That New Stadium Debut Was "Too Much About Football"

ARLINGTON, Texas -- Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones is disappointed that his pride and joy, the brand new Cowboys Stadium, didn’t shine as brightly as it could have on Sunday night’s prime-time TV debut.

“Girls in cages, a giant shiny video board, live Mexican midget wrestling, this is what people want to see,” Jones said. “And all that dang-gum network could show was the football game.”

Jones was also upset that the biggest feature of the new stadium, a giant flame-spewing dragon, malfunctioned and couldn’t be utilized.

“I paid good money to get me a giant flame-spewing dragon under that dang stadium and these good folks want to see him,” Jones remarked at the Levitra post-game podium. 

Jones didn’t say how he acquired the dragon, but did disclose that it “cost him a god-dang arm and leg” and before the season is out, Cowboy fans will love that “son of a gun as much as I do.”

The $1.15 billion Cowboys Stadium is geared to optimize the fan experience and give people something they can’t get at home. Sporting a design that’s a cross between a soulless mall and an inhuman airport, the stadium is the gem of Jones’ stretched eyes and a spectacle unto itself.

“The video board, the live demolition derby-slash-monster truck show in the basement, the men’s room roller coaster, that’s nothing compared to my dragon,” Jones ranted. “Y’all will see. Next home game he’ll get out there and do his thing. I told his trainer, I want them people torched out there, it’s gonna be like a giant Gallagher show!”

Jones was, although, very happy with the attendance of the game, which set an American football attendance record with 105,121 spectators. “It was real good, we were hoping the $85 parking cost wouldn’t deter too many people and it’s looks like ol’ Jerry is right again, ha!”

But ultimately Jones just couldn’t get over the perceived network slight, “All this money, all this time and all they want to show is football. Shucks, everybody’s got football. But who’s got the world’s largest Chick-fil-A right next to a real, live slaughterhouse? Jerry, that’s who.”

Dallas went on to lose Sunday night’s game 33-31 to the New York Giants due in large part to four turnovers, including three Tony Romo picks and a porous defense. Jones had no comment on Romo’s performance or the game.