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15 Last-Minute End-of-the-Year Sports Wishes for 2015
December 1, 2015
With Thanksgiving in the rearview mirror and the holiday season now officially upon us, 2016 will be here in the blink of an eye. But before it comes time to ring in the new year, and we all get busy making and breaking those resolutions, there are still a few matters left to address in 2015.
The aforementioned matters include unfinished business, ongoing drama, hopes for the immediate future and a few things just too depressing to carry over into the new year. Basically, we’re talking about 15 things that should be done today to ensure a better tomorrow.
15. Let Terrell Owens finally let it go
Maybe he really thinks he can be a contributing wide receiver in the league at age 41, or maybe he just needs the money, but it’s time to let Terrell Owens in on what the rest of us have known since 2010—his NFL career is over.
At some point, the Patriots are going to have to start grabbing dudes walking by Gillette Stadium to fill out their injury-plagued roster, and even they have expressed zero interest in T.O.’s services.
Being inducted into the Hall of Fame will have to suffice.
14. Let Derrick Rose finally find his game
Bulls point guard Derrick Rose experienced a meteoric rise to stardom during his first three seasons in the NBA, but all that came to a halt when he suffered a torn ACL during the first round of the 2011 playoffs.
Ever since, Rose’s presence in Chicago’s lineup has been sporadic at best. He just can’t seem to get the injury bug out of his system, and recently he’s been putting up career-low numbers when he is on the court.
13. Let the men dance
Despite the ongoing chorus of complainers lamenting how “soft” the NFL has become, the fact is that the game remains physically and mentally grueling for the players, many of whom literally put their lives on the line when they take the field each week.
These guys work hard, grinding through injuries that mount throughout the season, and playing in increasingly unforgiving elements. So why is it that so many people blow a collective gasket any time a guy stops to smell the roses?
It's ridiculous. We enjoy the game, so let them do the same.
12. Let Kevin Durant spare us a "Decision"
Kevin Durant is the best. The free-agency frenzy that grips the latter part of every season and much of the offseason is the worst.
Maybe it’s unreasonable to expect KD to forgo the drama and end the suspense about his future now, be it in Oklahoma City or elsewhere, but that’s still our wish.
11. Let everything come together for the CFP
For some reason, the collective sports world has a knee-jerk reflex to favor chaos and mayhem over things coming together in an orderly fashion. When it comes to something such as the College Football Playoff, that probably has something to do with the fact that only four schools actually qualify for the real postseason, while 121 do not.
While the “my team didn’t make it, so screw everyone else!” philosophy may be what comes naturally to most of us, that doesn’t mean it’s the best. The CFP will never be perfect, neither in its current four-team format nor with a potential expansion down the line, but it’s a step in the right direction. Let’s try to enjoy that fact rather than be so nihilistic.
10. Let Rex Ryan make the mistake of hiring Rob Ryan
With his first stint as a head coach ending in spectacular crash-and-burn fashion with the Jets, and his tenure with the Bills off to a shaky start, it’s fair (if not a bit too forgiving) to say the jury is still out on the abilities of Rex Ryan to lead an NFL franchise from the sideline.
The same cannot be said of his brother Rob, whose ongoing employment (until recently) as a defensive coordinator has served as a living monument to the power and peril of nepotism in sports. When it comes to the Brothers Ryan and their overall lack of success, one must wonder how many chances they'd get if they weren't the Sons Ryan.
That being said, even if you think Rex probably shouldn't have a job and Rob definitely shouldn't have a job, there's no denying the irresistible allure of the spectacle that would be created by the two of them finally coming together on the same staff. Sorry, Buffalo, but we're prepared to sacrifice you all for our own amusement.
9. Let Drake not be everywhere
As Americans, we've looked the other way for going on at least three generations of Canada unleashing some of its most irritating entertainers across our borders. And, with the exception of the occasional hockey player who is good enough to play in the NHL or the occasional football player who (for talent reasons or character issues) isn't good enough to play in the NFL, this almost never goes the other way.
Honestly, it won't even let Lindsay Lohan and Chris Brown visit its country, but somehow we're saddled with the likes of Pamela Anderson and Justin Bieber for all eternity. The Canadian export making the biggest impact on American sports is, of course, Drake. Every time your mom's favorite "rap person" appears at a sporting event, here or abroad, somewhere a bandwagon gets its wheels.
One of our greatest wishes this holiday season is for Drake to make like a Tupac (or Elvis) urban legend and disappear for at least a year. At which point, should he decide to return, he's welcome to do so in hologram form.
8. Let the Browns catch a break
Ever since the Browns returned to Cleveland via expansion in 1999, it's been like the all-humiliation channel. Sure, it was funny for a while, a long while, but it completely jumped the shark on comedy about two years ago. Now, it's starting to get upsetting.
The new era of sadness began in earnest in 2012 when the team was acquired by Jimmy Haslam, a supershady billionaire who had to sell his ownership shares in the Steelers as the result of the purchase. Since then, Haslam has burned through coaches and general managers at such a rapid rate that even the late, great Al Davis is looking up in alarm. (Stop it, you know Al would've loved that joke.)
Making matters worse is Haslam taking first-round draft advice from drifters, which is how the Browns ended up with Johnny Manziel as the third-string quarterback. Manziel's ongoing antics recently brought a Browns fan to tears on the radio—it was the last straw. Please God, for the love of all that is good and holy, leave Russell Wilson to his own devices in December. Let this damn Browns team catch one break.
7. Let someone sign David Price already
Ever since the Royals were named World Series champions in November, the race has been on to see which MLB team would have the honor of overpaying free-agent pitcher David Price with $50 million and five more years than he's worth. According to sources close to Price himself (per Peter Gammons, h/t Hardball Talk), the decision will come down to more than just money.
Like, for instance, how long a team is willing to pay him that money after his paycheck far eclipses his talent. Hopefully, the Red Sox will do us all a favor and sign him to the 10-year, $200 million deal destined to make every list of the worst contracts in sports for the next decade, sooner rather than later.
6. Let all the athletes follow in the footsteps of Ryan Fitzpatrick
First of all, this has absolutely nothing to do with Ryan Fitzpatrick having matriculated at Harvard, perhaps the NFL's most guarded secret—seriously, did you know he went to Harvard? So did Jeremy Lin! You're welcome for a little A-plus trivia to regale your friends and family with at the holiday gatherings that coincide with your own particular set of religious beliefs, or lack thereof, as the case may be.
Anyway, back on track! The positive example to which we are referring is Fitzpatrick's recent decision to reduce his beard from a Rutherford B. Hayes down to a much more reasonable Ulysses S. Grant. The aggressive/oppressive beard has run its course...and then some. We're looking at you, Eric Weddle and James Harden! You're much more than the total sum of your facial hair.
5. Let the Color Rush die
In November, the NFL reached an impressive new level of absurdity when it was forced to issue a public apology to a minority group that was seriously overlooked in whatever internal vetting and design process is responsible for the atrocious Nike Money Grab Color Rush jerseys.
The minority group is, of course, the 4.5 percent of the global population that is colorblind. Wide-scale boobery/buffoonery like this is just business as usual for Roger Goodell— it's likely nothing beyond profit projections were considered. But you really have to question the wisdom of making the jerseys as aggressively ugly as possible.
Sure, it seems to be working well enough for the Steelers and their bumblebee monstrosities, but most teams don't have decades of goodwill stockpiled to help move even the most objectionable merch.
4 (A). Let the Warriors lose
As of December 1, the reigning world champion Warriors are 18-0 and continue to rewrite the NBA record books with each consecutive victory. Exhilarating as riding their unblemished wave of success may be, every day Golden State remains unbeaten, the weight of expectations resting atop the shoulders of Stephen Curry and Co. increases ever so slightly.
The burden from one game to the next is barely noticeable, but the total weight can become damaging. Plus, it's already getting annoying. Unlike the 16-game schedule of the NFL that makes perfection possible, if not plausible, an 82-game schedule is perfection-prohibitive. So let's just end it now so we can start talking about something else already!
4 (B). Let the 76ers win
Ugh, something else such as the 76ers, who are the bizarro Warriors, currently chilling in the basement's basement at 0-18.
Philadelphia is in the midst of such a painful rebuild with the Sixers (and Phillies...and will soon be starting from scratch with the Eagles...yikes) that you can see why Jahlil Okafor has recently been busted for speeding (probably out of the city), underage drinking and brawling with America’s most dangerous animal—an angry Bostonian.
Okafor and this Sixers team desperately need a win.
3. Let Chip Kelly and the Eagles move on
With Les Miles staying put at LSU and USC having just named Clay Helton the permanent successor to Steve Sarkisian, there is no longer an easy out for Chip Kelly and the Eagles. Kelly leaving Philadelphia to return to the college ranks, which is where he belongs forevermore, would've allowed both sides to save a certain amount of face if the theoretical job was with a top program.
An opportunity Kelly couldn't pass on, especially after his own personal fire sale of some of the team's most talented players ended all too predictably—in smoldering rubble—would've allowed the Eagles brass to vilify the departing Kelly in an attempt to deflect building fan anger over a franchise-sinking mistake that never should've been made.
At this point, the only possible way to make the situation worse is to let the lack of an easy out prevent the team from making a change in Philly. The Chip Kelly experiment was a failure, and it's time to call time of death on this sucker.
2. Let Kobe Bryant get a few final wins
Aging Lakers star Kobe Bryant recently surprised the sports world by announcing the current season would be his last, mercifully putting an end to something that should've ended at least two years ago. And in true Kobe fashion, he managed to make an already surprising event even more surprising by delivering the message in a way that no other player could get away with—via poem.
The last couple of seasons have been nothing but a series of increasingly low lows for Bryant as he almost single-handedly sunk the Lakers with his bloated salary and inability to get along with anyone. Now that he has finally gained some semblance of self-awareness, it would be nice to see him punctuate what has been a season of career lows with a few high notes.
1. Let Peyton Manning be inspired by Kobe Bryant
Much like Kobe Bryant had been in previous years, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is defiant to those (see: everyone with eyes) who would rather see him walk away than continue to beat a dead horse.
He's already lost his starting job, likely for good, to Brock Osweiler. Does Manning really want to potentially end up backing up someone such as Brian Hoyer in Houston? He's had too epic a career to end it with so many indignities.
The writing is on the wall. Let's just hope Manning will look up and read it.