And so another chapter ends in a city that has witnessed one of its teams win a World Series title in the last 93 years—and the team in particular is NOT the Cubs.
The Cubs, under manager Lou Pinella and crow-eating general manager Jim "Boo-Boo" Hendry, ended their ties with two-timing renegade switch-hitter Milton Bradley by suspending him for the rest of the 2009 Major League season for decrying their ineptitude to win any title he deems "substantial to my own sanity."
"There is a reason why the team I am glad to get the [expletive] out of has been futile for the past century," Bradley said in an official, profanity-laced statement through his agents, the Levinson brothers of Seth and Sam. "It ain't my fault. It's that fact that you [expletive]s keep scrutinizing me for this and that.
"And you can blame the billy goat, too. Who the [expletive] brought his [expletive] to Wrigley Field? That's the reason why you [expletive]s have been unable to win [expletive]. I'm just a [expletive]in witness.
"May you backstabbing Chicago SOBs never win a World Series ring for another 100 years, insha'Allah! Hahahahahaaah! I'm outta this dump, [expletive]ers!"
The official statement was met with indifference mixed with bloody rage and animosity amongst Cubs fans around the world, as well as in the States.
"He is a tosser," said Dan Druff, a stout fisherman from Scotland, wearing a Cubs cap in a recent interview with him and other Cubs supporters in Europe. "The club can't wait to wash their hands of this stain. I can't wait, too."
"Are you kidding me?" said Brandywine Zavaleta of Willemstad, Curacao, standing next to a burning Bradley jersey.
"This was the worst decision Hendry made! Even a 7-year-old cheering for the White Sox would have known better than to have Milton Bradley on the Cubs. I can't believe I had the lack of brain power to buy one of his jerseys! He makes Steve Bartman look like Steve Carell, mercy!"
In Australia, a few Cubs fans in Toowomba burned an effigy that had Bradley's name and number on it. They danced around the burning piece of wood, some yelling, "This is biggest victory of the season. WE WON!!! Yeah! Go Cubs!"
"Milton Bradley? Who? Never heard of the rube," said Jeff Dolly, a 76-year-old Cubs fan from Toolafalls, MS. "I only know the game company." But when he was reminded of the player, he said, "Oh, you mean the guy who laid [Lou] Piniella out to dry. Yeah, I heard of him. Good riddance.
"He was a legend for all the wrong reasons. I never liked his attitude."
Believe it or not, there were a few who elected to be sympathetic.
"People make mistakes, there is no denying that," said an anonymous hermit who chose to only be referred as "Horo." "Milton made a mistake, and he had to pay the price. It's human nature to belittle a team that has been short of successful in winning a World Series championship and be ungrateful in playing for such an inept side. I do feel for the young man." She said this while adding at the end, "Go Dodgers."
In other news, the Milton Bradley Company has officially scrapped any plans for Milton Bradley the player to be their key spokesman, citing in their statement, "We are intent to have people of his savage nature trying to exploit our good reputation.
"We have won the game. He has lost it."