A (Not So) Serious Look at How Real Madrid vs. Barcelona Will Play Out
La Liga is back with a bang on Saturday, as Barcelona head to the Bernabeu to face Real Madrid in the 230th competitive Clasico.
The most popular league game in the world is seldom short of action, with crunching tackles, sublime skill, controversy and brilliant goals peppered throughout the fixture's history.
The fact there hasn't been a goalless Clasico in the league for nearly 13 years speaks volumes about the manner in which these two teams approach this game.
Ahead of the match, we've taken a tongue-in-cheek look at how it all might play out.
Take a look, then leave your predictions in the comments section.
An Hour Before Kick-off
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While Barcelona fans the world over pray for the return of Lionel Messi, the club have kept a cloak of secrecy over his fitness for the game.
The medical team decide to give him a run-out on the field at the Bernabeu during the warm-up to see whether his left knee can handle the intensity of a Clasico.
The signs look great! Messi is raring to go until Neymar "accidentally" trips the Argentinian up during a rondo exercise.
Messi feels the knock, and it is decided he will start on the bench.
Neymar, who has scored five goals in his last three Barca appearances, is clearly devastated by this development.
1st Minute
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Real Madrid kick off with Gareth Bale and Cristiano Ronaldo up front and a midfield of Isco, Luka Modric, Toni Kroos and Casemiro.
Karim Benzema is fit but is left out of the side in light of his distribution issues. Film-distribution issues, that is.
Los Blancos start strong and win a free-kick 30 yards out when Javier Mascherano brings down Bale.
Those sitting in Row Z brace themselves as Ronaldo prepares to take it—but he hits the bar! That's almost a free-kick on target!
13th Minute
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It goes without saying that Barcelona enjoy the majority of the possession in the opening movements, but Madrid are generally able to absorb the pressure.
The biggest battle on the field is shaping up between Neymar and Sergio Ramos. The Spaniard manages to contain his man through a combination of heavy-handedness and whispering the minimum prison terms for tax fraud in the young forward's ear during set pieces.
20th Minute
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GOAL!
During a Madrid counter-attack, Dani Alves commits a terrible Dani Alves (the new nomenclature for "defensive mistake") and lets Bale through on the left side. The Welshman plays a square ball across the face of goal to Ronaldo, who makes no mistake from a yard out.
The Portuguese star celebrates in his customary fashion by briefly pretending to like Bale.
22nd Minute
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Barcelona don't keep their fans waiting long for a response.
Andres Iniesta, playing in his first Clasico as full-time Barcelona captain, threads a stunning ball through traffic to the feet of Luis Suarez, who beats Pepe before slotting low past Keylor Navas.
The famously fickle supporters at the Bernabeu respond in the best way they know how: loud whistling at their own team and harassing manager Rafa Benitez.
34th Minute
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Ronaldo has a golden chance to put Madrid back in front when he gets the better of Gerard Pique to earn a one-on-one with Claudio Bravo. Unfortunately, he puts the ball straight into the 'keeper's gloves.
Ronaldo looks over at the bench and waves his arms in an exasperated manner as if to say, "I wouldn't have missed that if I was being played in the correct position, Rafa!"
Meanwhile, on the Barca bench, Messi reacts to the missed chance by taking a swig of his isotonic drink in the style of Kermit the Frog. The resultant meme crashes Twitter for three days.
44th Minute
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Penalty to Barcelona!
A goalmouth scramble follows a corner kick, during which Pepe and Suarez are contesting for the same ball. After some extremely light contact, both players fall to the ground clutching their faces in apparent agony.
The Uruguayan appears to sell his theatrics more convincingly and wins his team a spot-kick. Furious at the decision, Pepe kicks some hoarding like an even angrier Temuri Ketsbaia. He breaks his metatarsal and earns four weeks out of action.
Suarez converts from 12 yards, and Barca take a 2-1 lead into the half.
50th Minute
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In a bid to stop the crowd—and Ronaldo—saying nasty things about his defensive tendencies, Benitez throws on James Rodriguez for the second half.
Within five minutes, the Colombian bags the equaliser—a stunning chilena Hugo Sanchez would be proud to have scored. This man is incapable of scoring anything except stunners.
During the rampant celebrations, Dani Alves clashes with Casemiro for no particular reason during an equally unnecessary 22-man brawl.
Alves is sent off, immediately improving Barca's defence.
69th Minute
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With the game evenly poised and Barcelona desperate to compensate for Real's man advantage, Lucho decides to unleash his secret weapon: Messi.
Munir El Haddadi makes way for the Argentinian, who settles into the game as if he never went away. Moments after coming on, Messi disposseses Modric, threads the ball around Ramos and dribbles past Navas, evading a late challenge from Nacho Fernandez to score.
The finish is eerily similar Diego Maradona's goal in the 1983 Clasico that helped earn the Argentinian a standing ovation from the Bernabeu crowd.
Ronaldo glares at his team-mates, furious that they are costing him the Ballon d'Or. He's going to make Modric sleep in the cupboard under the stairs again tonight.
Barca lead 3-2.
81st Minute
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Like the proverbial three pigs, Madrid keep huffing and puffing in an attempt to blow the Blaugrana house down. Meanwhile, Neymar comes close to making it 4-2 on several occasions.
With less than 10 minutes to go, Bale is put through on goal, even though he appears to be at least a yard offside. He shoots across Bravo's goal and into the net but doesn't celebrate as he believes it will be ruled off.
But it isn't! It's 3-3, and the Blaugrana are furious! Five minutes of arguing and wild gesticulating ensues, during which Ramos and Sergio Busquets are shown red cards for raising their hands.
Fans at home with "Sergio Ramos sending off" on their bingo cards are delighted, but the Clasico linesman rumours start to spread like wildfire.
Madrid now need to hold on with both first-choice centre-backs out of action.
93rd Minute
11 of 11This Clasico has had it all: great goals, red cards, Ronaldo strops, highly contestable decisions, irrational Pepe fury and nobody paying attention to how bad the defending is.
Could there be any more drama in the dying seconds? Why, yes there could!
A 30-yard Kroos strike hits Jeremy Mathieu's hand, and the linesman fervently (and unsurprisingly) waves for a penalty. The referee agrees!
Cristiano Ronaldo steps up, knowing a goal will put Real Madrid ahead of Barca at the top of La Liga on goal difference. But much more importantly, it will improve his individual goalscoring ratio.
However, just as C-Ron is about to take his run-up, Jimmy Jump runs onto the field and boots the ball away like a modern-day Mwepu Ilunga.
The intruder is taken away, but he's clearly put Ronaldo off his stride as Bravo saves the penalty!
A dramatic game finishes in a 3-3 draw. Messi is praised for his impressive return, while Ronaldo continues to take out his rage on Rafa in the post-match interviews, claiming he missed the penalty because he's being played as a No. 9, which makes perfect sense.
Alas, the Clasico is over and fans the world over are grateful for the rare spectacle they have seen unfold. After all, they may only get to see these two teams play each other three to five more times this season.
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