Backup Quarterbacks Taking on Other Backup Jobs

If it hasn't been made clear already, let's get it straight: 2015 is, without question, the Year of the Backup Quarterback.

Just take a look around.

Matt Hasselbeck has the AFC South in a sleeper hold. Brock Osweiler is a living flamethrower. Johnny Manziel threw some touchdowns and then drank all the Dom Perignon for no reason and made Bill very sad.

This is what happens when everyone who is supposed to be throwing footballs is dead, dying or Cam Newton. Injuries have hit the league's depth charts like a sack of hammers, and the sheer volume of physical carnage has left teams rummaging through their seatbacks and looking under the couch for signal-callers.

And now, as a byproduct of this never ending reaping, we now have a weird-but-highly-entertaining backup quarterback renaissance spreading throughout the league.

Starters are out, clipboards are in. It's high time we celebrate the second-string resurgence in an appropriate and dignified manner—and by that I mean we should delegate backup quarterbacks to other, non-football backup jobs for no reason other than it's fun.

So yeah, the following are a few of this season's noted clipboard heroes and the real-world backup jobs they'd be perfect for. Because hanging out just in case is a skill:

Tag-Team Partner: Drew Stanton

@DrCarson73

Every A-list wrastler needs backup—a buddy at ringside ready to toss over a folding chair or their entire body at a moment's notice.

This person doesn't do much of the heavy lifting, but his disruption is invaluable. Through sheer dint of enthusiasm, he can influence the fight without even stepping into the ring.

This is Drew Stanton's realm. This is where he works.

Unlike other backups we'll discuss today, Stanton has seen almost zero field time this year. This doesn't diminish him, however. If anything, it makes him stronger. From the sideline, Stanton has become the spiritual embodiment of the backup resurgence. 

Take his most recent work, for example: a display of emotion that bordered on theater:

@DrCarson73

The only thing that kept Drew Stanton from finishing Kam Chancellor with a People's Elbow in this moment was a wide, white line. And even so, it feels like he elbow dropped him in spirit:

I mean, just look at this man.

Biding his time.

Stanton's got a moonsault that will cripple the competition. All he needs is the tag, Palmer. 

Backup Singer: Johnny Manziel

@DrCarson73

Johnny Manziel is the friend who drinks a bottle of DeKuyper before karaoke and demands you sing "Come Sail Away" together

Problem is, Johnny doesn't know the words to "Come Sail Away," so he just lip-farts the drum solo as you do everything you can to keep the crowd from pulling you apart with their bare hands.

So...if you're starting a band, stick Johnny in the back and unplug his mic. He won't know the difference. Perfect backup singer.

"Second" in an Old-Fashioned Duel: Ryan Fitzpatrick

Ah, duels. The gentleman's gentleman of attempted murder.

For those who need a brief refresher, a duel was an old-timey fight that occurred when a nobleman insulted another nobleman and instead of trying to resolve the situation reasonably, both men invited the town to come watch them shoot and/or stab each other.

Naturally, this brings us to think of Ryan Fitzpatrick, who would be perfect for this kind of thing—specifically in the role of "second."

If you're unfamiliar with honor-driven combat, a "second" was a duelist's assistant. His job was to convince the aggrieved parties not to stab and/or shoot each other. When that inevitably failed, the second would then stand by his man and make sure the fight was fought fairly. And sometimes, if his dude was incapacitated by, say, a damn sword to the face, the second would step in and fight to preserve the fallen man's honor.

If this sounds like a terrible, thankless job, that's because it was exactly that. It's also the same gig Ryan Fitzpatrick has made an entire NFL career out of.

Fitzpatrick is the universal second to the NFL quarterback. He's the guy teams call when their guy takes a rapier/fist/helmet to the face/arm/knee and can no longer continue. Sure, Fitzpatrick doesn't always prevail, but he still has that grim sense of chivalry general managers look for when picking someone who will die trying to drag their franchise's body to a semi-honorable AFC Wild Card loss.

Plus, Fitzmagic already has the beard of a brigadier general, which is really the main requirement of being a second.

Backup Date: Jimmy Garoppolo

@DrCarson73

Always. Have. A. Backup.

If there's anything I learned from my senior prom, it's the importance of contingencies. If you're a soft seven swinging for a hard nine, you will strike out a couple of times.

And after so many cuts, you'll have to walk back to the dugout and consider your other options. Namely, you will need to ask Jimmy Garoppolo to the dance now. 

And that's a good call! He's a nice Italian boy from a good family, and you can't go stag, or doe. That's way less cool than showing up to prom with Jimmy Garoppolo.

Vice President of the United States: Brock Osweiler

@DrCarson73

For all intents and purposes, the Vice President of the United States is just the backup quarterback of the executive branch.

Sure, they do stuff, but ultimately, the vice president's most vital function is being alive and around the house in case something happens and the president can no longer perform his duties.

This was Brock Osweiler's lot in life for the last three years.

The former Arizona State quarterback was drafted by the Denver Broncos in 2012—just in time to see President Peyton roll into town on the wings of Hope and Change and napalm the entire league with historic passing numbers. At the height of Manning's hot streak, it seemed like it would take him spontaneously combusting on the field for Osweiler to have a shot at even the most meaningless playing time.

This has changed.

After nearly a leap-year cycle of standing quietly on the sideline like some kind of giant, Edward Cullen cloning accident, Osweiler has taken the reins from Denver's former passer-in-chief, who now stands sidelined with a serious case of fettuccine arm.  

So it's time to embrace the new administration. The Brockweiler and his Kennedy jaw are taking over.

That's it for me.

Feel free to leave your own backup suggestions in the comments. I'd dearly like to know your thoughts on the work Ryan Mallett will find in the real world that will utilize both his passion for pouting and his penchant for waking up at 11 a.m. in a drool-stupor.

Dan is on Twitter. He used to be backup cashier at a Marble Slab Creamery, which was the backup creamery for when Coldstone was closed.