The Future Revealed: NFL Week Two Hal-Oscopes

Amazing how one week of real football changes many of things we knew were true during five weeks of preseason football.

The Houston Texans and their amazing exploding offense? Yeah, check back next week.

Jay Cutler: best Chicago Bears quarterback ever? Not yet, especially after a four-pick week.

LaDainian Tomlinson back to his old form, ready to rock the perennially pathetic Oakland Raiders? How about ready to rock the walking boot again?

Those are just a few of the many reasons the NFL is consistently awesome and confounding at the same time. In the words of Hollywood screenwriting legend, “nobody knows anything.”

So, in an effort to help and (honestly, just make some jokes), I’ve looked to the stars for advice.

It’s just like a horoscope for prominent NFL players, coaches and management figures, only it’s not based on anything remotely scientific or concrete—which I guess makes more like a real horoscope than I intended.

Matt Hasselbeck (Sunday @ San Francisco)

Hasselbeck experienced a cosmic resurgence last week in the home opener against St. Louis, although St. Louis appears to specialize in that kind of thing for opponents.

Hasselbeck looks to have a much tougher week fraught with danger, intrigue and some actual physical contact from the other team. Expect a high ankle sprain and/or a separated shoulder.

Kevin Kolb (Sunday vs. New Orleans)

Kolb, pronounced Cobb (as in Randall "Tex"), is in line for his first career start Sunday in Philadelphia. If he were lucky, it would be on the road. If he were any good, it would’ve already happened.

Saturn may be in his retrograde, but Garcia is staring over his shoulder and will be on the field before this one is over, leaving the multi-interception throwing Kolb to reunite with his beloved clipboard again.

John Fox (Sunday @ Atlanta)

This week, the Carolina head coach is hoping for a reversal of turnover fortune after QB Jake Delhomme threw approximately 47 picks last week.

Praying for a new lunar cycle may help, but showing blind loyalty and starting the aging-by-the-second Delhomme again definitely won’t. Assume the crash position, Panther fans.

Adrian Peterson (Sunday @ Detroit)

Peterson’s Sunday will prove just being in Detroit doesn’t make one a loser.  Opportunity will knock and Peterson will answer, say hello and spend some quality time with him.

Who knows where his stars are, but Peterson and his offensive line are in Detroit and that means many yards and visits to the house—and not the house of the rising sun.

Hunter Hillenmeyer (Sunday vs. Pittsburgh)

Hillenmeyer will be taking over the middle linebacker spot for injured Bear Brian Urlacher this week in Solider Field.

Hillenmeyer, though not as fast, strong, or instinctive as Urlacher, will prominently figure in the outcome of the game, probably by missing a couple of big tackles.

Fortunately for him, Jay Cutler’s chakras are in order, which mean he will throw the ball to the right team, while Big Ben pumps fakes one too many times. Bears in a mild upset.

Kerry Rhodes (Sunday vs. New England)

The Jet safety is looking at strong celestial anti-current blowing his way. His is also looking at having his words shoved up his rear end by the best QB-WR combination in football.

Physical and emotionally fragile Texan QB Matt Schaub is one thing, but talking trash and threatening to embarrass the steel-plated Brady almost ensures negative future consequences.

Hasn’t this guy watched the NFL for the last five, six years? What a dummy. 

Phillip Rivers (Sunday vs. Baltimore)

Rivers acquired some bad karma last week by taunting of the Raiders after his Chargers squeaked out a win.

Rivers' distinctly unlikable personality will combine with the Ravens' distinctly vicious defense to create a surprisingly watchable game where you will find yourself rooting for everyone to kill everyone else.

Except Darren Sproles—everyone likes the lightning bug. The Ravens shut up Rivers. Temporarily.

Steve Slaton (Sunday @Tennessee)

The nocturnal arc of Jupiter tells me Slaton will get more than 17 yards rushing this week against Tennessee, a team he fared very well against last year.

Nocturnal arcs also involve upturns in personal relationships, so maybe Slaton will make friends with the football and stop dropping it when it just wants to be held.

Jerry Jones (Sunday Night vs. New York Giants)

Bright media lights shine and converge on Jones’ gargantuan new stadium this Sunday night against the Giants. Jones’ plastic face and personality will do their best to schmooze the cameras.

But seeing that he is a fire sign, it all figures to burn as they have to re-kick seven straight punts for hitting the too-low video board and the Giants defensive line forces Romo to revert to his normal choking, small-play self.

Jason Campbell (Sunday vs. St. Louis)

The sun, moon and points will rise this week for Campbell. Magical events will take place right before him: receivers will be open, defensive assignments will be missed, interceptions will be dropped.

Though there is no astrological explanation for this good will, there is an earthly one: the Rams stink.

Peyton Manning (Monday @ Miami)

Though it figures to be warm and swampy in South Florida, Manning will experience an out-of-body coolness. A one-ness with football, his team and his objective.

Manning will be focused and productive but will also experience great joy, as he realizes will not have to listen to Jon Gruden’s John Wayne-like cadence or Mike Tirico’s gratingly condescending tone. A truly heavenly occurrence for any Monday Night fan.

That’s all the stars and charts tell me for now. Enjoy your Sunday and Monday football everyone, and look for the Hal-oscopes next week.