Once In a Blue Moon: Things That Probably Won't Happen This Saturday

"Once in a blue moon." That basically means "rarely." Or, in college football, "probably never."

So this Saturday, as we begin week three of college football, there are some things that we may see or hear we aren't expecting- things that happen once in a blue moon.

I'm not counting on these things to happen, but then again, Mine That Bird, Appalachian State, Caster Semenya, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kanye West and yes, even that Virginia Cavalier mascot (google it on Youtube.com) give me hope that some things don't need a blue moon for them to happen.

Maybe these will happen? Nah.

Lane Kiffin   (Tennessee head coach)

Beats the tar out of the Gators, then humbly holds presser saying, "I feel horrible for Urban Meyer. He is truly the role model for every college coach."

Jim Tressel   (Ohio State head coach)

On a 1st and 10 on his own 5 yard-line, calls for a flea-flicker. On 2nd and 10, calls for a Statue of Liberty play, on 3rd and 10, calls a hook and ladder pass. On 4th and 10, he goes for it, and Toledo scores a safety. All while wearing a ripped, Bellichick-style hoodie, giving the crowd the bird and yelling, "I told you so."

Tate Forcier and Matt Barkley (Michigan and USC's freshman quarterbacks)

Both hire match-makers to get them more noticed by the fairer sex and both watch Stuart Small videos to self-motivate.

Frank Cozenza, Ohio State sousaphone player

"Dotting the ESPN cameraman was an accident. The network has always been very kind towards Ohio State."

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EevMBTQpV4U

Charlie Weis   (Notre Dame head coach)

"I called all the wrong plays, and can't blame the refs, time-keeper or our defense. I am doubting my schematic advantages."

Dan Hawkins   (Colorado head coach)

"Let's give our second string quarterback a shot."

Lou Holtz  (ESPN college football analyst)

"Notre Dame will lose to the University of Southern California."

Suzy Kolber  (ESPN's NFL sideline reporter)

Updated Facebook profile: "shy, unassuming, wallflower and happy to take "no" for an answer" (Way to go Suzy, loved your persistence.)

Rich Rodriguez  (Michigan head coach)

"I forgive all you doubters."

Terrelle Pryor   (Ohio State quarterback)

"Thinking about putting 'OJ Simpson' on my eye-black this Saturday against Toledo."

Bobby Bowden  (Florida State head coach)

"I'm telling y'all right now, Dadgummit, all Florida schools are tough. Look at Jacksonville State. They gave us a real beatdown but we overcame another great team from Florida."

Al Groh  (Virginia head coach)

"I love my job."

Taylor Mays  (USC safety)

"If I can't clear medical and play this week at Washington, I'm going to stay home, take a napkin-folding class and play Jacks with my cousin."

Jonathan Crompton  (Tennessee quarterback)

"The Gators' D is soft. They don't scare me."

LeGerrette Blount  (Oregon suspended running back)

"I have no regrets in my life. None whatsoever.."

Tim Tebow  (Florida quarterback)

"Can't talk to you all. Gotta go. Got a hot date tonight."

Rick Neuheisel  (UCLA head coach)

At team meeting, asks his team if anyone can throw the ball twenty yards (for motivational purposes) and then asks quarterback Kevin Prince to speak to team (broken jaw- mouth wired shut) about the disadvantages of wearing a mouthpiece during a game.

Mark Richt  (Georgia head coach)

"I'd like to congratulate our team on amassing zero penalty yards this game."

Joe Paterno  (Penn State head coach)

"Temple, Akron, Eastern Illinois and Syracuse are all cupcakes, and we scheduled them because we wanted a soft schedule."

Mark Dantonio   (Michigan State head coach)

"We lost because we didn't want to give Notre Dame any game film."

USAToday's voting coaches

"Oklahoma State lost to Houston? Oops!"

David Cutliffe   (Duke head coach)

"We're right where we thought we should be."

Paul Wulff   (Washington State head coach)

"We're not bothered that SMU is favored by one point at our turf- The Palouse will be rocking."

Doug Marrone   (Syracuse head coach)

"Thank goodness we're not in an easy conference like the Mountain West."

Bronco Mendenhall   (BYU head coach)

"Las Vegas Bowl or bust!"

Pete Carroll   (USC head coach)

"Hmmm, should I punt?"