A Sobering Ravens-Chargers Preview, Complete with a Shot at Tequila

It looks as though Shawne Merriman was telling the truth in the Tila Tequila mess that threatened to hang a dark cloud over the Charger linebacker’s season.

After further review, the district attorney handling the case determined that Tequila was not, in fact, “in the grasp,” and therefore, her criminal accusations would hold up about as well as her résumé.

“That’s NFL players 2, lying skanks 0,” says Merriman. “Ben Roethlisberger is innocent, and so am I.

“I didn’t, nor have I ever, choked Ms. Tequila. However, I will cop to the nude Heimlich maneuver. Anyway, let’s not let this incident get in the way of this titanic matchup against the Ravens. We’re not playing the Bills, so why are we talking about an overrated reality star anyway?”

We weren’t. You were. In any case, Ray Lewis and the Ravens are coming to San Diego, and they’re packing attitude and several cans of whup ass.

“Those are two things you need to overcome the jet lag,” says Lewis. “We realize the Chargers are a tough team and have been picked by many to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. However, I came here to bury the Chargers, not to praise them. And I came here to drink Tequila, not to choke her. But I can’t wait to get my hands on somebody.”

In what will surely be the week’s most physical game, the Ravens' three-man rushing attack will dictate the outcome. Joe Flacco hits Todd Heap for the game-winning score, and the Ravens defense stops the Chargers on downs to hold on.

Baltimore wins 19-13.

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