Landry Jones: American Hero

Going into this college football season, there were three prohibitive favorites to win the Heisman Trophy, and all were quarterbacks:  Florida Gators FOJ (Friend of Jesus) Tim Tebow, the Texas Longhorns’ Pony McCoy, and last year’s winner, Sam Bradford of the Oklahoma Sooners.

The stage was set for a solid, season-long Heisman race between the three until BYU linebacking Mormon Coleby Clawson, in the first game of the season, drove Bradford into the ground with a crushing hit that injured Bradford’s wing-nut.

And while all Bradford could do was stand helplessly on the sideline and watch his team ultimately fall to the Slingin’ Bigamists, even in defeat, a hero as born.

Enter Landry Jones, Mustached American, and real American hero.

Certainly it wasn’t the redshirt freshman’s paltry 6 of 12 completions or his 51 yards that earned him hero status. It was, quite simply, his lower nose accoutrement delicately scattered across his upper lip.

As I conveyed this week to Jake Trotter of The Oklahoman, unlike Mule McCoy, who shamefully shaved his labia sebucula (Latin for “lip sweater) a few weeks ago — ruining both his Heisman and national championship hopes — Jones has proven to be a true descendant of Mustached American stock with the power and grit of Chuck Norris riding atop a feisty silver back gorilla on acid.

He might not be a Heisman candidate, but certainly should garner consideration for the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year honor.

Indeed, Jones wears his mouth brow with power and wisdom, and as he progresses through the season and capably fills in for Bradford — who suffers from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD) — we know that he will not only yet again prove that there is no greater performance enhancer than the mustache, but he will represent people of Mustached American descent with a strong resolve, great athleticism, quick thinking, and of course, good looks.

Carry on.

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