NFL Crime and Punishment: Let My People Go

With Brett Favre now occupying 23.75 hours of ESPN’s programming, I thought it would be an apt time to revisit Michael Vick, who upon signing with the Eagles last week occupied a modest 23.25 hours of ESPN’s airwaves and online realty.

But I want to talk about oppression, which has always been a common theme throughout the annals of history.

In the Book of Exodus, Moses delivers the Jews from slavery after telling the Egyptian Pharaoh to “Let My People Go” before ushering the Hebrews into 40 years of beachfront living. 

Blacks were of course shamefully enslaved by white Americans for more than 100 years.  And just last year, dozens of clean-shaven men around the country were forced by their girlfriends to see the unwatchable “Sex And the City” film.

As someone of Mustached American descent, I understand oppression all too well.  For many years my people have been kept out of the executive suites of corporate America and largely absent from the hallways of justice on Capitol Hill—relegated to urinalysis technicians, motor bike mechanicry and sweeping up hair in barber shops.

Maybe this is why I emphasize with the dog-eat-dog life of Vick, a fellow person of facial hair. But in his case the oppression is somewhat different, and certainly, equally unfair.

Consider that our system of justice in America is rather simple. With the exception of the St. Louis Rams’ Leonard Little, if you commit, and then are convicted of a crime in court, there is a penalty.

But as long as that penalty does not include a life or death sentence, once you have paid for it—either financially or through time spent in the funhouse with throngs of Mustached American brothers and sisters—you are considered rehabilitated.

Or at least, that’s what we are led to believe.

You watched, read and heard the reaction after Vick’s signing: The Philadelphia Daily News headline read, “Hide Your Dogs.” My man-friend Matt Sebek brought you a post about headlines such as “Hide Your Beagle, Vick Is An Eagle.”

Fans continue to flood Philly radio with statements of anger and disgust.  Asylum.com is currently running a poll about whether Vick is truly sorry, and nearly 75 percent thus far believe the man solely wishes to rehab his image and just play ball again.

And while that may be accurate, I find my normally hateful soul to be very sympathetic to Vick.

Is this because 69 percent of male and 42 percent of women inmates incarcerated today are of Mustached American descent? Clearly, I would be lying to you if I said there is no correlation whatsoever.

But more so, in these United States there is a rule of law. If I walk into a local zoo and club a Chinese Panda over the head and then harvest its delicious meat for steaks on the Black Market, I might possibly have to spend a week in home confinement.

You do the crime, you serve the time—unless you run down a pedestrian while drunk in Miami and play for the Cleveland Browns.

Vick not only lost his freedom for two years, but he lost $10 million-plus in annual wages and the realistic shot at any future endorsements for the remainder of his life.

Probably about $100 million down the drain, which is roughly $99.92 million more than I have made in a career as a mustache pioneer and yak shepherd.

I believe Vick now has a right to earn a living in whatever field he wishes outside of dog catching.  So please, my brothers and sisters, I beg you. To quote the one-eyed Stuart Scott of ESPN, “Holler at a brother,” and let my people—Mike Vick—go.

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