Michael Vick Slides Through Ted Thompson's Fingers; Signs With Eagles

No one stares like Ted Thompson stares.

He has perfected the "deer in the headlights" look.

He's got the, "you found my drugs, didn't you?" look, with the "I saw you take that cookie from the cookie jar" persona.

Wrap it all up with a huge ego and bristle of twigs, and you've got yourself a new Halloween costume: The Dead Ted.

The zombie stare. It's the new in thing. The girls love it.

So, too, did Michael Vick.

Until he realized Thompson's bug-eyed star-fest didn't end.

No, that wasn't TT being hard on you in contract talks. That's just the way he f-ing looks.

Since we already know Vick's side of the story (He's an Eagle now), and that he clearly didn't want to be a Packer, I thought I'd sit down with Mr. Thompson and find out why he and the Packers couldn't nail the deal with Vick:

KR: Hi Ted, nice of you to sit with me.

TT: Please, call me TT.

KR: W-Why?

TT: Because that's what they call me.

KR: They?

TT: My draft picks.

KR: Just your draft picks?

TT: And everyone else.

KR: Alright, then TT it is. Is this some sort of a unique nickname, or are they just the initials for-

TT: Ted Thompson.

KR: Right...

TT: As the saying goes...

KR: Yeah?

TT: Aaron Rodgers looks great. Just great.

KR: Yeah, I guess you're right. He's been progressing.

TT: You know I drafted him, right?

KR: Um, yeah.

TT: Which means...

KR: That you drafted him.

TT: Which means...?

KR: That you drafted him.

TT: Which means...

KR: That...you're awesome?

TT: Yes! In your face, Brett Favre! In your unsuspecting face!

KR: Actually, I'd say he'd be very suspect.

TT: Oh, boy, you are opening up the wrong can of worms.

KR: I'm sorry.

TT: TT's gettin' upset.

KR: Have I ruined "Independent" TT?

TT: Do I have to get out of my chair?

KR: What? No, no. Please don't.

TT: No, I'm asking you. Do I have to get out at any point during this interview?

KR: No-

TT: Because I gotta be honest, I'd like to. We could finish it with me behind a podium.

KR: Okay...

TT: That way we get a real good feel of our roles.

KR: Whatever. Really. At this point, whatever.

TT is now stationed behind a podium, while I am near-sobbing as I attempt to finish this interview.

KR: Honestly, Mr. Thompson-

TT: TT.

KR: TT. Quite honestly, this interview could not have gone worse.

TT: Really.

KR: Oh, yes. You have been back-and-forth on everything I've said, we have wasted, God knows how much time, on your stupid nickname, you being awesome, and Aaron Rodgers.

TT: All interesting things.

KR: And the only reason whatsoever that I actually had in my head that could force my body to even sit close to your creepy-ass stare-face, was possible information on why you guys didn't land Michael Vick.

TT is very quiet, almost tears up a bit, but then those tears turn to something that looks like concrete, and his stare sets it.

TT: I do not have a creepy stare-face.

KR: So creepy.

TT: How dare you.

KR: Why didn't you get Vick-go!

TT: Fine. I'll tell you. It was contractual circumstances.

KR: Such as?

TT: The salary was going to be the veteran minimum. He wasn't guaranteed the back-up quarterback job, and he would not be getting any kind of a chance to compete for the starting job.

KR: Rough ticket.

TT: There's more. We really don't have any plans to incorporate any Wildcat plays, and we're set at receiver. So, really, we weren't bringing him in for any plays or special formations.

KR: What about at running back?

TT: Vick's a good runner, but my trade for Ryan Grant in 2007 makes me look much smarter, especially since I also signed him to a big-dollar contract.

KR: I love how you keep getting back to how awesome you are.

TT: Years of practice. You'll get there, I promise.

KR: Is that it then, on Vick?

TT: He beat me in a staring contest.