Fans To Brave Fabled Post-Apocalyptic Deathtown To Support Cats

Lexington, August 11 – Scores of Kentuckians will be making their first trip to Ohio as the Cats take on Miami Redhawks in Cincinnati September 5th, and for most of them besides a win, their biggest concern is as one fan put it, “just making it out alive.”

Although some Kentuckians feel almost comfortable driving through Cincinnati, insulated by the relative safety of the city’s three elevated interstates, most would never dare to travel under 60 MPH, let alone stop and walk around within a Glock’s range of downtown.

But Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart’s controversial scheduling of a football game in battle worn Cincinnati is forcing the rabid fan base to do just that.

Tens of thousands of the Big Blue Nation are expected to be descending upon the Queen City, where school officials assure many precautions will be made to keep the innocent out of lethal danger.  Among the joint efforts made by the University and the City, is the classification and cordoning off several, more fan-friendly riot zones.

In addition to these “Hot Zones” the usually rubble-strewn downtown should be noticeably void of its infamous mix of murderers, arms dealers, and gangs of roving bandits. University officials are claiming that The Local Visitors and Convention Bureau has graciously made deals with most of them to partake in a Midnight Basketball and MMA tournament in nearby Hamilton that night.  Also, what’s left of the City’s Fire Department is set to soak the entire 10 block area of the temporary Stadium Cease Fire for 48 hours prior to kickoff in hopes to limit any spark-up caused by any stray explosives.

While ticket sales are suffering from fans whom are refusing to buy seats prior to their concealed weapon permits being approved, the Athletic Department maintains their projections are showing that less than four percent of fans will actually be involved in shootouts.  Of these “active fire fans,” officials are estimating only twenty percent would be able to return effective rounds before the university’s rifle team has everything under control.

“The fans will not be in any lethal danger as long as they stay south of the Second Street checkpoints and west of Elm, “ said Barnhart. “Otherwise the burning tire mounds and blood stained river should serve as a adequate boundaries to the west and south of the Stadium Cease Fire.”

Though most Wildcat fans fully intend on heeding the advice of University and City officials by remaining within the stadium’s cease fire limits, others don’t see what the big deal is. One brave group of UK Students at the Johnson Center, who agreed to speak to us under the condition we not print their names lest their loved ones find out, are planning to take full advantage of their rare visit  North of the Ohio.

“Well, I love my BBQ  and I’ve always wanted to try the Montgomery Inn Boathouse up there.  But every time I’ve got up the gumption, I hear another one of those horror stories about the amphibious route to get into that place.  I caught that WKYT story on those rental boats and the nightmare scenario of missing that “Safe Dock” tunnel entry.  With those ‘O-T-R Pirates’ just waiting to kill you dead on the river, I thought there was no way I’d ever get those ribs.”

“But now, with all these preparations by the city this time -shit.  We’ve looked over the Montgomery Inn’s western ground route pretty good and think we may have to pick up the pace through the Serpentine Corridor “Hot Zone” for the final two klicks, but other than that, we should be fine.  Those PDF event maps on the “Rumble At The River” website have been really helpful.

“Plus man,” the freshman added, “it may be an issue for the blue-hairs [Ed note: a regional colloquialism for eldery UK fans), but we’ll be so tanked by then we probably won’t even feel any rock salt buckshot raining down from the Sawyer Point “Hot Zone” cannons they’re warning everyone about.  Chem-E majors get way drunker than  all the other Engineering Majors combined, no doubt.”

Billboards, have been popping up around town in anticipation for the event.  The billboards, funded by the Cincinnatus Society, depict several Newport and Covington nightlife destinations with the words “After the Big Game, Be Sure Go Back To Celebrate in the Bluegrass Immediately!”  Much like the controversy steeped upon Mitch Barnhart for his decision, Cincinnatus Society Chair, Tom Schultz, has received his fare share of hate mail as well.

“Everyone thinks we’ll be losing out on a lot of money from those signs in the end, and frankly I’m a tad nervous myself.  But with any luck, there will be a few literate Kentucky fans that can relay the message to the rest of them before they can wake up with a bourbon hangover abandoned somewhere in Norwood and try to find manufacturing jobs or get on welfare. We calculate that the billboards will pay for themselves if we can keep the post-game refugee influx under 2% of the games anticipated attendance.”