The Return of the Sports Columnist Photos

It’s a story that plays out day after day in millions of offices around the country - a guy or girl sits down at their desk around noon, seconds away from devouring another microwave Lean Cuisine pizza and ready to hop online for a few minutes in hopes of getting a quick sports fix on their lunch break.

And right when they click the url of the column they’ve chosen to read, most unexpectedly, they find themselves mesmerized by the figure glaring back at them from the computer screen. 

All they want is to read about last night’s game and yet are captivated by the myriad emotions being communicated through that little photo of the author next to the words - why is he so intense? What is behind those mysterious eyes? That can’t seriously be his hair, can it? 

Before you’ve read a word, they’ve already got your mind right where they want it.  That is the power of the sports columnist photo.

Last October we took a deeper look into the methods being used by America’s most influential sports voices to steer the simplistic minds of their readers via the tradition that has thrived even as the world of print journalism has been turned upside down. 

And thanks in part to the observations of the JSF faithful, today we are able bring you another round of notable sports columnist photos, each demonstrating a new and improved strategic method to manipulate their minions er…readers.  Take note aspiring journalists:

Strategy #1—The Ducktail Effect
Nothing can convince a skeptical reader of your qualifications more effectively than sending a message via your picture that says “I’m so dedicated to the sports that I cover,  I have yet to realize that miniature mullets are no longer fashionable.”

Greg Johnson, Grand Rapids Press

Steve Wieberg, USA Today

Strategy #2—Make them think you’re 11 years old
Think about it - how can someone possibly bring themselves to disagree with a columnist when they have this unshakable instinctive desire to poke him in the belly and do the Pillsbury noise?

Ben Diggle, Peoria Journal Star

Strategy #3—One Word: Negburns
On the day of your paper’s photo shoot, do yourself a favor and take a straight razor about two inches above your ear and rake downward.  With a few precise strokes, you’ll have a free pass to write the most obnoxious, opinionated BS you can think of with no backlash.

The instant the readers see those wicked negburns they’ll have no choice but to back off if they value their personal safety.  And to be clear, we’re not saying Howie Beardsley is writing obnoxious, opinionated BS for the Grand Rapids Press or that he is a threat to anyone’s safety, just that the intensity of his negative sideburns grants him the right to do so should he choose.

Howie Beardsley, Grand Rapids Press

Strategy #4—Alter expectations
Upon hearing that a particular article is written by a woman and most sports fans have no reservations about assuming that it’s probably a fluff piece about ice dancing or something.

What can we say, for the most part, we’re meatheads.  But that all changes when the first vision you see looming over the article is a frighteningly intense women who may or may not be reaching out to strangle you.  Suddenly the topic just got a lot more serious.

Selena Roberts, Sports Illustrated

Strategy #5—The Angelic Vision
Research has proven that nothing can sell a reader on a column quite like seeing that it has been written by an angelic visage appearing out of a cloud as if to say “don’t be afraid, come and give my column page views.”   It may not make for the most manly photos, but traffic is traffic, baby. 

Mark Gaughan, The Buffalo News

Bob Elliott, Toronto Sun

Strategy #6—The Brian Vanochten Method
No matter the reason, be memorable. 

Brian Vanochten, Grand Rapids Press

Strategy #7—Work for the USA Today
America’s paper has been known to churn out a memorable columnist photo or two.  Some of our favorites past and present:

Jon Saraceno, USA Today

Michael Hiestand, USA Today

Rod Beaton, USA Today

Dick Patrick, USA Today

Erik Brady, USA Today

Strategy #8—Throw in the towel
If all else fails, grow out a mustache, put on your imitation Blue Blockers and act hard

Josh Bacott, JoeSportsFan.com

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