F1 Unable To Get Rid of Michael Schumacher despite Best Efforts

Michael Schumacher will make a shocking return to Formula One this month despite his advancing years and lack of experience in the new Formula One cars.

His return is not a surprise to many who are involved with the sport, as the German even admits, he's just been waiting for someone to ask him to drive.

"I've been hanging around dropping hints to all the bosses, but no one would get it," exclaimed the 40-year-old German. "I've been bored out of my mind. I tried to convince people I was the Stig, and then they saw I couldn't drive a normal car. I even tried motorcycles, but I kept falling off". 

Despite his desperation to get back into a Formula One car, others were not so keen to see him around.

FOTA seemed certain they would never have him race again. After crisis meetings earlier this season, all the teams agreed to ignore Schumacher in the paddock, hoping he would just go away. 

"We all liked his brother, but Michael just won't let it go," explained an unnamed team owner. "He's like that kid who's too big to join in but still tries; none of us have spoken to him in two months, but still he's here".

The crisis talks were well-documented in the press, but FOTA and the FIA managed to keep the topic secret by making phoney press statements about less important issues.

Unfortunately, Felipe Massa's accident could not have come at a worse time for those involved in Formula One. 

Formula One tried promoting the test drivers and teenagers in its circuit, but in a disastrous turn of events, it appears many of those drivers have yet to pass a basic road safety test and are unable to drive.

This oversight has left Ferrari with little choice but to return the calls of the former world champion and allow him to drive.  But even now, Williams, Red Bull, and Toro Rosso are openly plotting against the man who made the sport so boring by winning everything.  And it's not just them.

It has been overheard at several dinner tables that the Drivers' Association are teaming up with FOTA and the FIA to make things as difficult as possible for Schumacher in the hope his failure will discourage him from being around. 

Sebastian Vettel was overheard this week claiming, "We're all going to block his moves and make sure he finishes in the bottom four or five; that will teach him". 

This coming from a young German who no doubt saw the man as an idol a few short years ago. 

Apparently, the self-proclaimed "King of Racing" has outstayed his welcome in the paddock, and everyone involved in the sport will be doing all they can to stop him in Valencia, hoping the humiliation will force him away for good.

The question is: Can they stop this once-great racing driver?