The Liver Awakens From His 12 Month Blackout

10:00 pm

July 27, 2009

As the Liver awoke he found himself sitting on someone’s couch and NFL Live is on.

So Goodell lets Michael Vick back in the NFL with an “up to” but no more than six games additional suspension? Instead of having balls and making a decision, the NFL Commissioner is still coming off like a guy you knew in high school that for just some reason you never quite “got.”

Now this guy is taking all that “never having been a bad-ass” syndrome and all of a sudden you’re in your 40s or 50s and you rule over the most powerful sports entity in the United States. Not that he hasn’t had plenty of good examples to sharpen his knives with and occasionally impress me, but he still can’t come up with a definite number of games for Vick to be suspended?  

Tony Dungy isn’t coaching anymore? Oh the Colts didn’t win a playoff game last year? Dungy hung it up. Sorry Brad. Now he’s Vick’s spiritual advisor.

But wait…I certainly have the Super Bowl aura reeking from me because surely the Dallas Cowboys won the Super Bowl last season? Tony Romo has a Super Bowl ring. He had the best Cowboys team on paper in 12 years. We had the best players. Troubled youths a few to be sure but I’m sure that Wade and Jerry pulled it off by winning on the field.

So Michael Vick is out of prison. So he’s free to any team stupid enough to take that kind of PR s*** storm. Oh wait, the last time he played in 2006 he became the first QB to rush for over a thousand yards…1,039 to be exact I believe. Who’s gonna take a chance on him? He’s not gonna be any team’s starting QB but he can be an offensive specialist.

What’s this Wildcat offense I hear the Dolphins made good use of last season? He’d be perfect in that scheme. You’d need an established front office and coach with an established QB like Pittsburgh or New England. Just what those teams need is another weapon. You put him in the offense for 5 or 6 plays a game though and you can ruin a defensive coordinator’s day.

Why is it that every commercial on T.V. seems to be trying to save me money or talking about financial bailouts? Oooooooh we’re in a financial depression. No wonder.  They’ve never been this nice before. When did big corporations start to care about the Liver and want to save him his hard earned sheckles? 

Insurance companies trying to save me money? What the hell happened to me God?  Oh well it’s the end of July. Training camp baby.  It’s getting to be that time to drink and gamble and fight and screw and cheer and curse and watch football. I can’t believe that I blacked out like that a year ago and at the best time of the year?

Oh no there’s gonna be another Final Destination movie? There’s a G.I. Joe movie? Did everyone get on drugs while I was out?  And when did the Liver’s deadbeat father start doing Dos Equis ads claiming to be “The Most Interesting Man in the World?” Aside from teaching a young Liver how to do Tequila poppers off of a stripper's chest, he wasn't all that interesting when he was around I can assure you.

Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg while he was sitting down IN A CLUB with an unregistered handgun in NEW YORK CITY? Interesting. He might go to jail huh?  And this man made the game winning catch in one of the greatest Super Bowl upsets of all time. Thank you very much Mr. Plaxico Burress. Not even the Liver has ever screwed up LIKE THAT BEFORE.

Oh well. Screw the Giants the Liver says tis a bitter NFC East rival and still stinging memory of the January 13, 2008 playoff game upset against me beloved Cowboys.  The Liver had a bad feeling from the beginning of the day. Just thought for maybe a second or two after they beat Green Bay in Dallas in November of 2007 that they peaked right there and they stopped trying. 13-3 was nice to be sure but they hadn’t proven anything. No worries for I know I’ll be seeing Super Bowl winning highlights of the Cowboys from last season. That memory will not sting as much.

Oh they cut Plaxico? Good move for them. Cut your losses and move on. They are a well-run organization…bastards. But why am I still bitter? The Cowboys surely wrestled the Lombardi trophy from the Giants and hoisted their sixth Lombardi trophy in glory as Jerry finally answered all his critics.

So Texas beat Oklahoma and only lost to Texas Tech on a last second score but Oklahoma played in the National Championship and LOST of course because we all know how “big game” old Bob Stoops is when it comes to bowl wins. Only thing he got was that National Championship back in 2000. Thank God Texas has one too since then. Would’ve given Florida a much better game I guarantee you that. Maybe they win maybe not but they’d play better than OU.

Brett Farve still can’t make up his mind can he? Oh wait, the Jets started out well with him and then they crashed and burned in December? He is turning 40 this season isn’t he? So now Farve might suit up for arguably the Packers greatest divisional rival next to the Bears just so he can shove it in the Packers face?  Wow and I thought I was angry and selfish.

Thanks Brett, the Liver feels better now in this strange but beautiful apartment. I just do that with people I care about but he does it with NFL football teams. Oh the sad breakup of a beautiful relationship. As the Liver knows too well the inevitable breakup of a once perfect union that time has given way to can be painful. The friendship and goodwill CAN be there if the breakup is handled the right way between the two entities…if both are adults…but unfortunately not ALL of us can be adults when it comes to matters of the heart. You want to keep trying one more time to see if the high is even remotely there. I will cop to that one a few too many times as the Liver.

So while Brett Favre shoots a commercial that makes fun of people who can’t make up their minds, he’s holding a team hostage with himself as the ransom?  I think even he realizes he’ll need something good PR to offset the hatred out there for him after pulling this crap EVERY F***ING OFFSEASON FOR SIX YEARS.
 
What a chicken s*** organization the Vikings are for not just admitting that they are interested in him and that the decision is entirely up to him and not lead on the OTHER PLAYERS ON THE TEAM like Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson? Then again isn’t Mr. Magoo still coaching them?

NFL Live is over. Now I get to see what the new Sportscenter opening montage of champions in their respective sports looks like. Aaaaaah…Cowboys Super Bowl champion highlights coming up.

All of a sudden dear reader I get the sneaky feeling I’m no longer in Dallas, Texas. You mean the Cowboys didn’t just blow everyone away in their Super Bowl triumph last season? You mean they did their annual choke job in December and January and didn’t even make the playoffs? You mean they got destroyed 44-6 in Filthy in what was essentially a playoff game?

Tony Romo still can’t win games of importance in December and January? Wade Phillips is still the head coach? The Steelers got to boast their sixth Super Bowl before the Cowboys did?

The Lakers are world champions again? Oh no. I’m in L.A. Kobe only wins championships when the Liver is in Los Angeles. There was the first perfect game in 5 years in baseball? Perfect games only happen when the Liver is in Los Angeles. The last perfect game was in 2004 when Randy Johnson did it.

What the hell happened to me the last 12 months?  Can’t quite figure it out yet. Have no fear dear reader, the Liver has weathered a mightier storm then this. Blackouts for whole years at a time are nothing new.
 
Looks like the Liver is back in Los Angeles. I’ll be damned. I can’t wait to see what to see what else I’ve missed over the last 12 months.