Why Tim Tebow Basically Is Edward Cullen

This Tim Tebow stuff is getting a little tiring. He's good at football, better at life, and loves Jesus. America gets it, on all counts, yet every column and feature on the University of Florida's QB continues to belabor the same points. 

In searching for a new angle on Tebow, what do we have? You could start here: if he were to somehow win the Heisman again (smart money would lean Colt McCoy, since he lacks one and has deserved possibly two) and a national championship (completely probable), he'd leave college with two Heismans and three national championships. That's absolutely filthy, and would (hopefully) end the "best college football player of all-time" discussion once and for all.

If you're not ready to place Tebow in a broader historical context just yet, there is another angle to take: he shares a few key characteristics with another hugely relevant and popular pop culture figure of the moment, Edward Cullen.

Yea.

The vampire from Twilight.

Yea.

Robert Pattinson.

We just took it there.

Consider:

1. Impossibly Beautiful

That's how Edward Cullen is frequently described by Bella Swan, the human he falls in love with in the Twilight series. Do you think you could find a female in the state of Florida (or the entire Southeast) who would not classify Tebow in the same way? Additionally, Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson would likely use the term "impossibly beautiful" with completely serious expressions.

2. Abstinence

Twilight, it can be argued, is a complex, four-part allegory for abstinence. (Bella and Edward don't seal any deals until they are married, in the so-far final book.) Anyone hear Tebow at SEC Media Days? That was kind of a big deal, right? Check.

3. Traits and abilities

Edward essentially possesses superhuman speed, agility and strength. (Pause, insert "He won't be good in the NFL..." argument while trailing off dejectedly here.) Tebow does too. 

4. Collisons

Off of No. 3 above, check this out: in the Twilight books, when Edward collides with one of his vampire brothers, it's usually described as a sound akin to two boulders smashing into each other. What would you assume it sounds like when Brandon Spikes and Tim Tebow hit each other at practice? Truth.

5. Reaction

Watch this sneak peek clip of New Moon, the next film in the series, from Comic-Con. It was filmed inside the theater, so you can hear the reactions of audience members to everything. Go ahead, watch it in full. Do you hear the squealing? The giggling? The delight? The unabashed happiness? Tebow inspires the exact same reactions in people, from beer-swilling 40-somethings in middle management to 'tween girls. 

Where does this all leave us? Well, either Tim Tebow is a vampire (could likely be argued successfully), or Nick Saban needs to find himself an Emmett to come in under center soon.