Mike Tanier's Monday Morning Hangover: Patriots, Steelers Rock Their Rivals
Tom Brady-Peyton Manning XVI was an old-fashioned Brady-Manning game. For fans of thrilling, mythological showdowns, that's not a good thing.
Old-fashioned Brady-Manning games were like old-fashioned Super Bowls: They were often terrible. We have gotten used to the exciting, back-and-forth Brady-Manning duels with 38-34 final scores of recent years. In the early 2000s, however, Brady vs. Manning meant a convincing Patriots win that raised a host of doubts about Manning's playoff readiness, personal fortitude and overall worthiness to breathe the same atmosphere as Brady.
The whole tone and timbre of Brady-Manning conversation was established in those early games: One side of the argument pointing to both a body of work and some extenuating circumstances (tipped interceptions, punt-return touchdowns, missed field goals), the other wrapping both hands around their necks and chanting "Choke, choke, chokity-choke" to the tune of "neener-neener-neener."
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The early history of Brady vs. Manning is a history of games like Sunday's 43-21 Patriots win. There were several 44-13, 38-17 and 20-3 final scores that established a winner-versus-stat-compiler paradigm. Only later did Manning and his teams even things up a bit, making the games annual referendums on the state of the art of NFL passing and strategy.
So Sunday's beating was not a great game, but it was a "classic" in the way old video game consoles become cool and vintage after three or four generations of obsolescence. Sunday was Brady-Manning for the Nintendo 64, and it had all the trappings.
Julian Edelman did his best David Patten imitation, with receiving and return touchdowns. Cold weather and crowd noise played a major role, just as each did in the 2003 and 2004 playoffs, as well as Brady-Manning XIV in the regular season last year.
Manning got befuddled by Bill Belichick coverage trickery, as he so often did in the days of yore, but he also had to cope with a defense and special teams that seemed determined to come up small, a common problem for his early Colts teams.
Unfortunately for the Broncos, who now stand a good chance of having to do this all over again in the playoffs, the rivalry has suddenly returned to its roots.
To get a sense of just how "in character" Brady-Manning XVI was with its 15 predecessors, I compiled the all-time series averages in a bunch of categories. The comparisons show that Sunday's game may have been a little extreme, but it was not an outlier.
(All stats from years past are expressed as per-game averages.)
| Game # | Patriots | Colts/Broncos |
| I-XV | 29.1 | 24.7 |
| XVI | 43 | 21 |
Obviously, this is among the most lopsided games in Brady-Manning history. Only the first meeting had a wider margin of victory. The Patriots have not scored over 40 points on a Manning team since the 44-13 final in that first meeting, but Manning's teams have been held to 21 points or fewer six times.
| Game # | Temp. | Wind mph |
| I-XV | 45.7 | 11.7 |
| XVI | 35 | 19 |
There have been many cold, windy Brady-Manning games in the past.
The cutoff temperature for a Manning outdoor win in the series has been 56 degrees. The "Manning is not as good in cold weather" storyline lives on. All attempts to debunk it are stymied by the fact that it is true.
Of course, most quarterbacks are not as good in cold weather as they are in ideal conditions, for a variety of reasons. But only Manning and Brady play regular-season games with Roman numerals, and Brady (and all of his teammates) have always practiced and played in the cold.
| Game # | Comp. | Att. | Yds | TD | Int |
| I-XV | 22.3 | 33.3 | 245.3 | 1.0 | .8 |
| XVI | 33 | 53 | 333 | 4 | 1 |
This was Brady's first four-touchdown effort of the series, though he has had six three-touchdown games. In the old days, Brady would only complete about 16-20 passes and throw for around 150-200 yards in a winning effort. Sunday's game was not that much of a throwback.
| Game # | Comp. | Att. | Yds | TD | Int |
| I-XV | 24.9 | 40.0 | 291.4 | 2.1 | 1.3 |
| XVI | 34 | 57 | 438 | 2 | 2 |
Manning typically throws for about 50 more yards than Brady. He also averages about 0.5 more interceptions per game. He doubled each of those averages Sunday. Much of the inflation you see in both Brady and Manning's totals can be attributed to the overall increase in NFL passing and the advances in no-huddle play-calling. Both quarterbacks just throw more passes now than they used to.
| Game # | Yards | TD | 100-yard RB |
| NE I-XV | 117.1 | 1.3 | 3 |
| NE XVI | 66 | 0 | 0 |
| Ind-Den I-XV | 123.1 | .7 | 5 |
| Den XVI | 43 | 1 | 0 |
Running backs have made major contributions to Brady-Manning bowls over the years. Edgerrin James, Knowshon Moreno, Corey Dillon and Stevan Ridley have all made their mark on the series with 100-yard games and major performances. Manning has actually gotten more rushing help than Brady, in terms of yardage and big games.
Neither team ran the ball well Sunday. The Patriots did not seem to care, but the Broncos needed more from their ground game than one four-yard touchdown. Ironically, the least Brady-Manning-like thing about Sunday's game may have been how pass-oriented it was.
Fun fact: Brady and Manning combined to rush for seven yards on four carries, thanks to a sneak and some scrambles. They now have 125 combined rushing yards on 70 carries in 16 games. It would be fun to see just one broken-play, lost-containment 20-yard scramble from one of them before this series wraps forever.
At this point, a play like that may take three minutes to develop.
| Game # | NE | Ind-Den |
| I-XV | 6 | 10 |
| XVI | 1 | 2 |
There have not been many huge receiving days in Brady-Manning history. On Sunday, Demaryius Thomas joined Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne as receivers with three 100-yard games in series history. Randy Moss leads Brady's receivers with two 100-yard games.
Troy Brown, David Patten, Wes Welker, Julian Edelman and (now) Rob Gronkowski each have had one for the Patriots, while Emmanuel Sanders (151 yards Sunday) joins Joseph Addai and Dallas Clark as receivers who have gained 100 yards once for Manning.
Both quarterbacks have shared the spotlight with their favorite targets, but this series has been as much about spreading the ball around (and running it) as showcasing a famous tandem. Many players make massive contributions when you examine the stat sheets. It's a reminder that these are really Patriots-Broncos or Patriots-Colts games we are talking about, not tennis matches between two quarterbacks.
Brady-Manning XVI reminded us that this rivalry has been evolving since it began, and that the end has not quite arrived.
Think of the rivalry like a long-running television series: The Simpsons, or Star Trek: The Next Generation. The first season or two is shaky, then there's a peak, then there's a falling-off period. Sometimes, there's a breaking point at which the show is no longer really good (The Simpsons hit it about a decade ago). Brady-Manning bowls are not there yet; they have just reached the point where not every episode is a classic.
This particular show still has some surprises left, especially considering the way the AFC is shaping up. We will probably be doing this again in two-and-a-half months, folks. Be ready for more hysteria, and unless we really have rolled the clock back to the early 2000s, don't expect another blowout.
Rivalry Blowout II
Like Brady-Manning XVI, the latest Steelers-Ravens clash was a forgettable blowout. The Steelers won 43-23, completing a home-and-home split of lopsided Ravens-Steelers games for the year.
In case you were too Brady-Manning'ed out to watch the late game, here are some quick impressions of what happened:
• The enduring image of Brady-Manning games is a triumphant touchdown pass by one of the quarterbacks. The enduring image of the Ravens-Steelers rivalry is Ben Roethlisberger or Joe Flacco—usually Flacco—getting positively walloped by a defender.
The quarterbacks were knocked down 18 times Sunday night, with Flacco enduring four sacks to Roethlisberger's three. Big Ben looked like Daffy Duck trying to readjust the bill that Elmer Fudd just shot off after a Courtney Upshaw late hit.
• Roethlisberger's 12 touchdowns in his last two games broke an NFL record formerly owned by Brady (2007) and Tom Flores (1963).
Tom Flores? Since you asked, yes, Flores (best known as the Raiders coach in the early 1980s) threw 11 touchdowns in the final two Raiders games of the 1963 AFL season. Art Powell caught six of those touchdowns and had a 10-247-4 stat line in the season finale against the Oilers, a 52-49 Raiders win. George Blanda threw five touchdowns for the Oilers in that game. Flores only had nine touchdowns entering the final two games. The AFL was wild, folks.
• It's amazing how old the Steelers defense is. When Troy Polamalu, 33, left the game with a sprained knee, 32-year-old Will Allen took his place. Allen has been a Steelers backup since 2010, with a brief Cowboys stint mixed in.
The Steelers defense looked its age at the start of the season but has obviously bounced back. Polamalu may miss a few games, but: a) he is not the player he once was, and b) the Steelers face the Jets and Titans in the next two weeks. Allen or Shamarko Thomas should be fine unless the Steelers succumb to their dreaded habit of playing down to their opponents again.
• The Ravens must find a way to replace cornerback Jimmy Smith, who will be out for a few more weeks with a foot injury. Lardarius Webb, Dominique Franks and Chykie Brown were the only cornerbacks in uniform for the Ravens. Webb is OK, Brown is a dime defender at best and Franks was let go by the Falcons defense, which says it all.
The Ravens are hoping to get past the Titans and reach the bye, but their secondary is so bad right now that even Zach Mettenberger may be able to pick them apart. If you cannot go to a dime package at all, that's a problem.
• The AFC North divisional schedule is very odd this season. The Ravens are now 2-3 in divisional matchups, with just one Browns game left (in Baltimore). The Bengals are only 2-0, with both Steelers games and both Browns games left. The Steelers are now 2-2.
In other words, the Ravens must play "pick your poison" as they watch the Steelers and Bengals face off twice in December. They may need the Steelers to keep the Bengals from running away from the division, but Steelers victories would give their archrivals a better divisional record. In other words, it has been a bad two-week road trip for Baltimore, though Ravens road trips are rarely good.
• While some fans think of after-whistle jawing and shoving as old-fashioned tough-guy football, Ravens-Steelers games would be much more watchable if it did not take 10 minutes to separate the teams after every extra point.
We could also do without the late hits and direct attacks on opponent's knees and kidneys. It may be for the best that these guys are taking the rest of the year off from each other.
Rivals Remix
Between Brady-Manning XVI and Ravens-Steelers, we had our fill of rivalries Sunday. But let's have some fun pretending that there were even more epic rivalries on Sunday's schedule.
With a little mental cut-'n'-paste, we can create a whole slate of exciting rivalry games that could have happened instead of the dreary Seahawks-Raiders games that did happen. All we have to do is examine the performances of teams that have well-known rivals on Sunday, detach them from their opponents, then rearrange them to form a fresh set of imaginary games.
It's like an old Marvel comics "What If" story: What if Tony Stark was bitten by a radioactive spider? What if Brandon Weeden was bitten by a radioactive spider? What if Robert Griffin III was bitten by a radioactive Kirk Cousins? Exploring the possible results can be entertaining, and maybe a bit illuminating.
Here are some rivalry games that did not take place Sunday. But Sunday would have been a lot cooler if they did:
What If the Seahawks Played the 49ers on Sunday?
Game Summary: The 49ers noodle around on offense, then punt. The Seahawks noodle around on offense, then punt. The 49ers betray a lack of faith in their quarterback, who gets sacked a bunch of times. The Seahawks betray a lack of faith in everyone on offense but their quarterback, who clearly wishes Paul Richardson and Kevin Norwood were different people.
Noodle, noodle, stuff, punt. Noodle, noodle, sack, punt. The Seahawks usually have great special teams, but they suffer a blocked-punt touchdown. The 49ers usually have great special teams, but Andy Lee shanks a 23-yarder deep in his own territory to give up a go-ahead field goal. More noodling.
In the fourth quarter, the two teams many of us considered the best top-to-bottom contenders in the NFL play so poorly that both would have trouble putting away a terrible opponent. The 49ers keep getting sacked. The Seahawks keep falling asleep and settling for field goals. Both teams look primed to get swept by the Cardinals and wind up traveling to New Orleans to get hammered by the 9-7 NFC South-winning Saints in the playoffs.
What Really Happened: The 49ers lost an ugly 13-10 game to the Rams when Colin Kaepernick disappeared into a goal-line fumble at the end of regulation. The Seahawks labored harder than they had to in a 30-24 win over the Raiders.
What Would Have Happened: The Seahawks would have beaten the 49ers in a tight game, prompting a national "NFC is totally up for grabs" conversation, which we are going to have anyway.
What If the Raiders Played the Chiefs on Sunday?
Game Summary: The Chiefs unveil their standard game plan against the Raiders: They hand off to Jamaal Charles 20 times and throw exactly one pass longer than 13 yards. They also blitz like lunatics, but Raiders and fans alike are lulled to sleep by the offense.
Chiefs offensive stat lines are completely interchangeable. Here, figure out which of these was posted by Alex Smith on Sunday, and which is an older game:
| Exhibit | Comp. | Att. | Yds | TD | Int |
| A | 19 | 25 | 186 | 3 | 0 |
| B | 20 | 26 | 248 | 3 | 0 |
| C | 21 | 31 | 199 | 2 | 0 |
| D | 19 | 28 | 221 | 1 | 0 |
The third one is Smith against the Jets on Sunday. The first is Smith against the Dolphins, the second is Smith against the Patriots, the fourth is Smith against the Chargers. We could list some 18-22 carry, 70-90 yard Charles days, but you get the idea.
The Raiders watch Charles grind against their line while Smith spreads 10-yard passing mayonnaise across the whole receiver corps.
The Raiders think: "Have any of our coaches been fired lately? No? Do we still have a rookie quarterback and a glorified minor league roster? Yes? Is there any reason to give our playoff-caliber—yet strangely vulnerable—opponent a fair fight when we can just let ourselves get thrown around in the trenches like sandbags? No? Then let's do that last thing until we fall hopelessly behind, then score some late touchdowns and get credit for not giving up."
What Really Happened: The Chiefs put the Jets in a full nelson and did not let go. The Seahawks squeezed the Raiders like a stress ball until halftime, then let them hang around.
What Would Have Happened: The Chiefs would beat the Raiders in a completely non-noteworthy way.
What If the Cowboys Played the Redskins on Sunday?
Game Summary: With Brandon Weeden getting the start, the Cowboys opt for a DeMarco Murray-left, DeMarco Murray-right, DeMarco Murray-up-the-middle strategy, with some short passes to Murray sprinkled in.
They hope the Redskins do not notice that their only other passing play is a basketball bounce pass to Dez Bryant. The Redskins figure it out midway through the first quarter, and from that point forward the only Cowboys player who can move the ball is kick returner Dwayne Harris.
The Redskins get off the magic school bus hating their quarterback, who happens to be named Robert Griffin III this week.
The Redskins, of course, have no other problems besides their quarterback. Their roster is full of players of championship pedigree who come from much-decorated franchises. Their leadership and professionalism are always evident in the way the team plays defense, handles special teams and responds to injury adversity.
Naturally, any quarterback grumbling should be interpreted as if it came from the lips of Vince Lombardi himself, not some malcontent who might grouse just as loudly if Roger Staubach 1977 arrived via time machine and received a little kid-gloves treatment from management. But that is neither here nor there.
Griffin looks better than he did in Week 1, but he is still a ghostly shadow of 2012. He makes some good plays but holds the ball too long, endures five sacks and displays some rust. Everyone else on the Redskins roster plays as if they are waiting for Sammy Baugh to resurrect and do everything for them, just as they have for at least the last decade.
What Really Happened: Griffin could not lead one last scoring drive in the 29-26 loss to the Vikings. In other words, he lost, and his last pass was an awkward, dribbling mess, which is all anyone will remember or talk about.
What Would Have Happened: The Redskins would have beaten the Cowboys, but Griffin would not receive any credit because it was only Brandon Weeden.
What If the Packers and Bears Played on Sunday?
The NFL's two most historic rivals face off next Sunday night, but we can imagine what a Sunday matchup might have looked like.
Game Summary: Matt Forte gains 60 yards on the opening drive. Jay Cutler throws a pick. The Packers march downfield on passes to Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb, then throw to Julius Peppers at the goal line. Forte gains 70 yards on the next drive. Cutler fumbles. Nelson and Cobb catch more passes, but Aaron Rodgers throws an interception intended for Letroy Guion at the goal line.
The Bears beat each other with golf clubs and sacrifice punter Pat O'Donnell to an Aztec god at halftime. Rodgers tells Cutler to relax; Cutler responds, "If I were any more relaxed, I would be ready for surgery."
The game ends in a 0-0 tie. When asked about team chemistry, Bears head coach Marc Trestman spends six minutes explaining stoichiometry. The NFL schedules a "do-over" for Nov. 9. Both clubs express confidence in their ability to reach the playoffs, because the Lions are sure to screw up worse than they ever could.
Participation Trophies
Not everybody earns one, but everybody gets one!
Kenny Rogers Trophy
(Awarded to the coach who does not know when to hold 'em or when to fold 'em.)
The Jets trailed 24-10 when they drove to the Chiefs' 3-yard line; a touchdown would have made things interesting. But the red zone is the canvas upon which the Jets paint their most vivid nightmares.
On first down, they ran the Bilal Powell direct-snap play, which never works. Powell has taken direct snaps three times in goal-to-go situations, rushing twice and executing some Michael Vick-option madness a third time. All three plays, including Sunday's, netted zero yards. Powell has scored two touchdowns in two seasons, making his "goal-line specialist" role one of the top-10 strangest delusions on the Jets' neurotic countdown.
Vick was back under center on second down, where he bobbled an option mesh. The ball squirted to the ground, but anyone who fumbles as often as Vick knows a thing or two about pouncing on them. Loss of five. Vick then threw a short pass to Eric Decker to get those five yards back.
That made it 4th-and-goal from the 3-yard line. Down by two touchdowns and blessed with powerful Chris Ivory, crafty Vick, a variety of speedsters and the second coming of Bronko Nagurski himself (Powell), going for the touchdown would make sense in an ordinary, non-Jets-contaminated universe.
Now, for the Jets, it's not enough to just fail to score on fourth down. They need to: a) look disorganized and foolish, and b) suffer a major injury to fulfill their quota of Jetsyness.
Percy Harvin and Decker ran a crisscross "moving pick" route, Decker extended his arms to force the referees to call a penalty they often ignore, and no one got open anyway. Vick held the ball too long and bounced the ball to Harvin, then was slow to get up. Vick missed a few series, leaving Matt Simms to make yet another cameo in the endless quarterback saga.
Vick eventually returned, which is important. The Jets really need a veteran playmaker at quarterback who can leave the game in important situations for their third-string running back.
Mysterious Touch Trophy
(Awarded to the strangest person to get a catch, carry or pass.)
Steelers punter and placekick holder Brad Wing bobbled an extra-point snap just before halftime. Kicker Shaun Suisham halted his leg in midkick, looking a little like a golfer sizing up a tricky wedge shot, and Wing decided to make a run for it.
He calmly rolled to his right and tossed the ball to tight end Matt Spaeth for a two-point conversion. The play looked more organized than most fake field goals that coaches actually draw up.
Minimalist Stat Line Trophy
(Awarded to the player who did the least damage with the most touches.)
Dez Bryant caught two passes for 15 yards and a touchdown in the Cowboys' 28-17 loss to the Cardinals. Both catches came late in the fourth quarter. Bryant was targeted 10 times, mostly on short passes that looked like they were head-butted in his general direction instead of thrown.
Bryant also had a sloppy drop and some passes he could have made a better effort on, but it's hard to adjust to a never-ending stream of late-thrown knuckleballs.
Fantasy Leech Trophy
(Awarded to the fullback, tight end, fourth receiver or moonlighting linebacker who scored so your first-round pick couldn't.)
LeSean McCoy is getting shopped around fantasy leagues these days like an all-you-can-eat buffet coupon on a boardwalk. So both McCoy believers and Eagles fans were thrilled when Chip Kelly stopped seeking the ultimate 80-20 pass-run "balance" and handed off twice in a row to McCoy for 40 yards at the start of the fourth quarter.
Would the All-Pro running back finally pick up his second touchdown of the year at the end of an all-rushing drive?
Nope. Third-stringer Chris Polk pounded in an eight-yard touchdown that kept the Texans at arm's reach for the rest of the afternoon.
Matt Asiata earns honorable mention for scoring three touchdowns and adding a two-point conversion after he got benched in 99.9 percent of fantasy leagues. Look for Asiata to return to lineups everywhere and resume his two-carry, minus-five-yard production.
Fake of the Week
(If the cameraman does not know where the ball is, none of us do.)
Ryan Tannehill had a tremendous game in the 37-0 Dolphins blowout of the Chargers: 24-of-34, 288 yards, three touchdowns, no interceptions.
You can usually tell Tannehill is due for a good game when he gets to run a designed option or two early: It's a sign that Joe Philbin is not running full-speed, waving his hands in the air and screaming like an extra in a Godzilla movie, away from the tactics that have the best chance to make the Dolphins successful.
Already leading 7-0 and driving, the Dolphins called a Tannehill option, and the quarterback called his own number with a fake handoff so perfect it fooled the cameraman and sent the whole Chargers defense crashing into the line to stuff the running back. Tannehill scooted around right end for 22 yards.
The banged-up, mixed-up Chargers defense was just not ready to cope with a Dolphins team using all of its weapons. They were hoping for the usual Dolphins, who only use about half of them. Heck, Tannehill completed one honest-to-goodness bomb to Mike Wallace in the blowout.
If this keeps up, Philbin may actually give Tannehill a vote of confidence. And management may actually give Philbin a vote of confidence.
Editorial Comment of the Week
I rarely get to hear Scott Hanson at work on NFL RedZone, but I know the man is amazing: part mid-career Pat Summerall, part Johnny Carson.
Hanson took note of the fact that Mark Sanchez replaced Nick Foles (collarbone) as the Eagles quarterback; Vick now holds the reins of the Jets' hypothetical offense, of course, and the pair produced simultaneous highlights and lowlights in the early games. It was a stream-crossing of Ghostbusters proportions.
"Cats and dogs living together. It's insane!" Hanson joked. If you are wondering: Sanchez is the Gatekeeper, Vick the Keymaster, and whatever you do, don't think about something seemingly likable and harmless that might inadvertently stomp through New York causing chaos. Especially if it is Tim Tebow.
Last Call
A final look at the sights and sounds of Week 9:
High-Speed Snow Removal
Before Brady-Manning XVI, CBS broadcast sped up footage of snowplows getting Gillette Stadium ready. To clarify, they were removing the snow, not adding more to improve the home-field advantage against Manning. (In Foxborough, you never know...) The plows efficiently and neatly canvassed the field, turning white into green one row at a time, like a pair of precision erasers cleaning a chalky blackboard.
They never show time-lapse footage like that of the grounds crew getting FedEx Field ready for the Redskins, because no one wants to see goats grazing at 100 miles per hour.
Redskins Team Buses Crash into Each Other
The bus carrying Griffin to a Redskins game must go faster than 50 miles per hour at all times or team chemistry will explode! Stay tuned next week when this model of organizational professionalism accidentally locks the players inside their own practice bubble. And blames the quarterback.
Mike Evans Imitates Johnny Manziel's "Money" Celebration After Touchdown
Evans had a great game—seven catches, 124 yards, a pair of 24-yard touchdowns—in a 22-17 Buccaneers loss to the Browns that was like watching a test pattern until midway through the third quarter, then got interesting.
Good for Evans, but: a) Everyone over the age of 19 hates that celebration, which always looks like a cheesy interpretation of the most ridiculous gesture from the worst Puff Daddy video released in 1998; b) Evans' team is horrible and ended up losing to a Browns team that spent three quarters trying to give away a victory; c) Manziel could not pry himself off the bench right now if you gave him a crowbar, even though Brian Hoyer ranks somewhere between Ryan Fitzpatrick and Charlie Whitehurst on the Replace This Journeyman ASAP Index.
So perhaps we should all draw a little less attention to ourselves, college besties Mike and Johnny.
Cordarrelle Patterson Fears the Sky Is Falling
Patterson broke wide-open up the left sideline in the first quarter against the Redskins, only to lose Teddy Bridgewater's pass in the bright Minnesota sunshine. Patterson covered his helmet with both hands like a tee-baller fearing a pop-up as Bridgewater's pass sailed several yards beyond him.
When you hear that a young receiver is unable to play a larger offensive role because he has bad instincts, well...fearing that you might be struck in the well-protected head by an object you are paid a great deal of money to catch is an extreme example of "bad instincts."
Steelers Retire Joe Greene's Jersey
They really aren't in much of a hurry in Pittsburgh—the kid Greene gave his jersey to in that old Coca-Cola commercial now stars in AARP ads. Troy Polamalu's jersey will be retired by the insectoid life forms that replace humans in 73,000 years. It will be a touching ceremony. James Harrison will still be playing.
Tavon Austin Flirts with Disaster
He's in his own end zone. He's out of his own end zone. He's in. He's out. All of this for a field-goal return with a 0.05 percent chance of actually being meaningful.
Austin's tightrope walk of both the goal line and the quirks of NFL officiating protocol (there wasn't enough evidence to rule a safety or overturn it in the booth, but had the officials ruled a safety, the replay would have upheld it) looked like a something out of an after-school special:
Kenny the Showoff (from a troubled family; just drank his first 2.5 beers): Look at me, I just hopped over the railing and am now tap-dancing on the ledge of Dead Nitwit's Cliff.
Reasonable Tommy (portrayed by Scott Baio): I don't know if that's a good idea, Kenny.
Kenny the Showoff (portrayed by the older brother of the kid Joe Greene gave his jersey to): Jeepers, you are such a wet blanket, Tommy. I am young and invincible!
Donna the Love Interest (actress appeared in Playboy three years later, now does infomercials about thigh-crunchers): Kenny, look out, those rocks are loose!
Kenny the Showoff: What? Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Superman: Lucky I flew by just in time.
Reasonable Tommy: Superman? I thought this was an after-school special!
Superman: No, now it is an old episode of the Super Friends. Remember kids: Don't jump the guardrails on high cliffs, and don't climb power lines, either. Also, if you are returning a field goal and there is no hole in the coverage, take a knee BEFORE you leave the end zone. Got it, Kenny?
Kenny the Showoff: Yes, sir.
Superman: Good. Now I am off to prevent Marty Mornhinweg from calling any more Wildcat plays. Up, up, and away!
Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.
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