The Bleacher Report Family, Part One: Moving Into San Francisco

This is the first edition of the Bleacher Report family. This article is intended to be humorous, however, may contain a few words that aren't exactly the brightest. All narration will be by Matt Miselis, author of the B/R Family.

Prologue

The story begins as the B/R family moves into their new home in San Francisco, California, only a 20—minute ride from the headquarters of Zander Freund, and only an hour ride from a Giants game.

This house isn't as normal as you think, in fact, it's the completely opposite. A six—floor, 50—room house, which includes food and cleaning service, the family receives quite a surprise when they enter the house.

Part One

Cars, trucks, and vans storm into the front of the house on 234 Linnett St in San Fran. Everyone is shocked to see this great mansion. First, the God appears.

Leroy Watson: Holy Cow! We have struck gold in San Fran!

Mary Jo and Kara step out

Mary Jo: Wow, I have never seen such a house this big in my life!

Kara: I agree MJ, we never see of these houses in the darn south. Except for Georgia, but it rains too much there.

A large van then parks out in front. Bringing in their bags is L.J Burgess, Ray Bogusz, and Long John Silver.

L.J Burgess: Pretty nice house, I must admit.

Long John Silver: It sure is LJ, hopefully the rooms are big enough.

Ray Bogusz: The house is alright. And rooms? Who cares about the damn rooms? All you should care about is beer, beer, and more beer!

Shane Howard, Joe Burgett, and Sulayman arrive.

Shane Howard: Yo all, Shane O'Mac is now in the house! Everybody clap your hands. clap clap clap clap.

Joe Burgett: Wow, this is a great place. An actual place that can fit all of our egos. Is it possible?

N/A: Looks whose talking about a damn ego. It's already up and running. Stop blowing your bullshit out of your ass. No one gives a damn what you have to say.

Joe Burgett: Whatever, Ray. Go fall in a ditch.

n/a: Typical comeback.

Sulayman: Whoa, whoa guys. Lets stop this arguing already. We're all going to be living in this house for the rest of our lives, can't we try and get along?

n/a: Yeah, I'm going to look forward to living with this homo. Who knows what he's going to do at night while I'm asleep! Gosh!

The posse arrives. Angel Navedo, John Lorge, Cody Swartz, with Matt Miselis right behind them.

Angel Navedo: Hey Hey Hey! Whets up fellows, lady fellows.

John Lorge: Glad to be here everyone! Looking forward to get to know you guys better!

Cody Swartz: Looks like a great place. Hopefully I can find some Eagles fans around.

Matt Miselis: Sweet mansion. Glad to be moving into a house like this!

In two more vans, comes Grandma Dee, Glenn Card, Heartbeat, and Baby Tate.

Baby Tate: Looking forward to this new journey. Glad I will be able to see some college games in the state of California!

Glenn Card: Excited to be here. Even though I'm far from Boston, I'll be fine in the house that we are living at.

Heartbeat: Wow! Great place, and so many people are here. I think it will fill the void of missing the Yankees back home.

Grandma Dee: (Looks for lady pals): Kara, Mary Jo, how have you guys been?

Kara: I'm doing great, how are you doing?

Grandma Dee: Great. Looks like a big place, could be too big, well at least for this lady.

Mary Jo: Dee! What brings you here?

Grandma Dee: Hey, I'm part of the family, figured I'd join you, right?

The Young Guns of Josh Dhani, Graham Brunell, and Taylor Rummel appear. Andrew Nuschler follows behind after being dropped off. Bob Warja also makes his way up.

Josh Dhani: Wow, cools! Great house! Hopefully it's got enough room for my video game consoles!

Graham Brunell: Same, Josh. Hopefully it has room for my Kevin Garnett statue: (8 ft, 400 pounds).

Taylor Rummel: Does it have a swimming pool?

Miselis, Dhani, Rummel, and Graham are full of excitement. Can't wait for others, and run inside.

Andrew Nuschler: What a family! Only took 10 minutes to get here!

Leroy Watson: Lucky you. Glad you made it, my man! You’re going to have to give us pointers on where to go in San Fran.

Bob Warja: Leroy, what’s up brother!

Leroy Watson: Brother Bob, glad you made it! How ya doing bud?

Bob Warja: I'm doing alright myself. Can't believe were going to be living in this house.

Leroy Watson: I know right? I'm so excited!

Bob Warja: Are we going to afford this? Come to think of it, if money grew on trees, I'd be rich and be able to pay for this whole house in a week.

The final group appears; Led by Vegas Rich, comes T.A, Nick Signorelli, Eric J, and Ryan Michael.

Vegas Rich: Wow, I'm glad I made the trip down from Vegas!

Leroy Watson: Vegas Rich, what is my man up to?

Vegas Rich: Not much brother, how about you? I think my wife is going to have to live here with me. She'll be to jealous when she sees this house.

Nick Signorelli: Hey everyone, glad to be invited here! I proclaim this house Steeler Nation!

T.A: Ahem, I have something to say about that!

Glenn Card: T.A, Glad to see another Patriot native here. This place is ours.

Eric J: You mean ours. Peyton Manning is better then Brady and Big Rape Ben, fools!

Ryan Michael: Agreed. When the Colts win the Super Bowl this year, you will learn!

Leroy Watson: (in a loud voice) Alright everyone.  We have waited long enough. Every member who is living in this house is here. Lets go in the house and see how great it really is.

One by one everyone walks in, entering the house, only happiness and shock is on their faces.

Leroy Watson: My god. It's the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Everything is perfect.

As everyone goes up the stairs, or in some cases, using the private elevator, Joe Burgett finds the biggest room in the house, and claims it his.

Joe Burgett: Hey guys... I like this room. Since I saw it first, it's mine, right?

n/a: Your joking right, Joe? Why should this room be yours?

Joe Burgett: Well, I need a big room, you know, so I can fit all of my items in here. Have a lot of things to set up.

n/a: Nah, I think you should go in a room down in the basement. Away from us.

Leroy Watson: Come on, Ray. I know you have your bitterness with Joe, but living in a basement is a weak statement. I don't think Joe should live in the room, however, the Young Guns should, as this is the perfect room to fit four people in.

n/a: Fine.

Everyone exits, Mary Jo and Kara Martin look for a room of their own.

Kara Martin: We should get our own room, Mary Jo.

Mary Jo: I'm sure we will find one, Kara.

They then stumble upon two rooms, both painted in NASCAR colors, and claim it theirs.

Mary Jo: Both of these rooms are for you and me Kara. NASCAR gets priority.

Kara Martin: Agreed MJ! This is ours.

A loud scream is heard down in the basement.

n/a: HOLY CRAP, GUYS! WE HAVE HIT THE JACKPOT!

Burgett, Watson, Burgess, and Howard rush down the stairs.

L.J Burgess: What is it, Ray!?

And there they look. With their mouths wide open. An open bar room, with every beverage known to man, along with tons of flavored ice cream.

Everyone: WOW!

n/a: I have found heaven in this gigantic house. A place where I can be by myself and get giddy from five bottles of Coors. Heck, I can even piss my pants without giving a damn!

Shane Howard: Ray! Ray! lets get the drinks going, eh?

n/a: Agreed. We need someone to serve them though. You’re not expecting me to get up and get it myself right?

Server walks in to bar.

Server: What can I get for you gentlemen?

n/a: How about two Coors Light, and oh, they have to be as cold as the Rockies.

Shane and Ray give a toast, and begin diving in.

There was then a loud ring from the doorbell, and Matt Miselis rushed to see who it was.

Matt Miselis: Hi, who is this?

Guest: Hey kid, you got any beer?

In confusion and worry, Miselis slams door.

Leroy Watson: Who was that Matt?

Matt Miselis: I don't know, some guy who was asking for beer, must have been a drunkard.

As Leroy opens door, he comes to see his best friend Blaine Spence at the doorstep, explaining that he was only joking with Matt.

Leroy Watson: Blaine daddy (chuckles), what’s up brother?

Blaine Spence: Not much Leroy Brown, let me in so we can get this family started!

Leroy Watson: Lets get it on my friend, let's get it on!

Everyone heads up to the main floor to decide what will be for dinner that evening.

Joe Burgett: Lets have Italian!

Josh Dhani: No Chinese!

Ray Bogusz: Both of you are wrong, lets have beer!

Everyone: Beer!?

Everybody then breaks out into singing, praising the house as to how great it is.

Everyone (Singing): We can do whatever we want.

n/az: Yeah, even drink loads of beer!

Everyone: We can get a massage while at the pool.

Matt Miselis: Yes, even from top models!

While singing, they are joined by the servants, and then, dancing breaks out.

Everyone: This house is frickin' sweet!!!

Fin

I hope Part One was enjoyed by all. Be sure to look out for upcoming parts which may happen later in the week, or certainly next week. If you have any questions or suggestions, shoot me a line.