Bar Brawl Gone Awry: Fighters You Might Pick to Tango With and Die

"Doodoodaloo doodoodaloo Doodoodaloo doodoodaloo..."

That was my best attempt at kicking off a dream sequence similar to that of Wayne's World.

   I have found myself being involved in conversations with my friends that sound something like this: "Hey man, did you see the fight the other night? Yea bro, that was brutal, St. Pierre ran a clinic on Alves. Yea man...If you would have told me that St. Pierre (we refer to fighters by their last names for some reason) would destroy Alves like that before the fight, I would have said no way. Fo sho' fo sho', Alves just looks more game than St. Pierre...I thought he had the eye of the tiger, he just looks like a bad dude. Yea, I know what you mean, if I saw St. Pierre in a bar with his suit on, I wouldn't think much of him...but Alves man, that guy just looks like a guy with a face that says 'I eat knuckle sandwiches for a living.'"

Ever done that before?

Stop for a second and think about the consequences of sizing up a guy like Georges St. Pierre in a bar with his Gucci suit on and making that mistake. It would be the equivalent of tripping on drugs and hugging a rabid grizzly with the notion that all bears are just big teddies.

When I look at guys involved in MMA, there are mean looking guys and unassuming looking guys. The problem here prompted an age old saying: "Never judge a book by its cover."

I think the guy who created that little quip was probably sitting somewhere in the Ancient Greek club one night, toga waving in the breeze, drinking a little too much, and playing the "Who In Here Could I Thump" game. He probably just came from a gladiator fight and was feeling amped. I don't think it had anything to do with books. That ancient Greek philosopher probably looked around the room, saw a St. Pierre looking guy and said "I can take him."

For some reason, every fighter (in boxing and in MMA) has some nickname. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, "The Dean of Mean" Keith Jardine and so forth.

I have come up with a list of nicknames of what I think guys would look like in civilian clothing and I submit it for your review.

Stephan "My Ballpoint Pen Chewing Accountant" Bonnar

Forrest "Opie from Mayberry" Griffin

Kenny "The Kid Picked Last in Football" Florian

BJ "You Have a Funny Bald Head and Baby Face" Penn

Roger "That Dude Might Steal My Drunk Buddy's Girlfriend" Huerta

Joe "Dumbo the Great Doesn't Shave Yet" Lauzon

I could go on and on but the bottom line is this:

Imagine any of these guys in suits at an after hours bar. Would you think you could take them? If I saw Ryoto Machida in a suit at a bar, I might ask him for legal advice.

The thing with all of these guys is that I saw them fight and they are really really really good...and they would thoroughly thrash me before I could deliver my stolen from Tombstone "I'm your Huckleberry" line.

If I am hanging out somewhere and I see Wanderlei Silva walking around, I am asking my pals if they too saw the guy with the jacked up ears, nose, eyebrows, and ham hock hands.

The same goes for Dan Henderson and Randy Couture. They look like fighters.

No one...no one ever sizes up Cheick Congo and thinks..."I am going to bounce him around like a yo-yo on speed." If I look at a guy like Chuck Liddell, I am thinking, that guy shaved a warrior mohawk into his head and tattooed the sides of his friggin head in a place where hair should grow. He must really like his hair style for a reason...that reason must involve the need to tat the sides of his head in areas that are usually covered by some growth.

That being said, here are a few nicknames of the opposite side of the spectrum:

Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Silva (I believe he has killed people with an axe)

Chuck the "Did You Look at the Mohawk and Tatted Up Head" Liddell (he took his name from one of the most successful hitmen of all time...again, you tell me there are bodies in his trunk, I buy that.)

Clay "Isn't He the Guy from the Geico Commercials" Guida

Mirko "Look at His Freaking Thighs, He Must Have a Good Tailor" Cro Cop

Cheick "Run From This Guy" Congo

So, all in all, I guess my point is that you can't judge a book by its cover.

The next time you are at a bar hammering down Jack and chasing it with Miller on your vacation in Brazil and eyeing down that well dressed dark slender guy (who laughs too loud and has perfect teeth that need to be knocked out in your drunk reasoning)...stop and try to identify him. He might be Anderson "My Face Looks This Good Because Rich's Doesn't" Silva. I don't think Rich Franklin got that memo...but you better.