Most Insane Stadium Foods Teams Are Afraid to Make
Stadium food is the worst kind of gamble.
For starters, the stakes are your health. The moment you spring for the Boomstick slathered in jug-cheese, you're essentially pushing yours and your loved ones' colons to the middle of the felt. You're all in, baby.
Clearly, this is not normal or good, but this is the way of the ballpark, where even the most basic societal and economic rules do not hold sway. Vendors pile up eight-pound hamburger hillocks and 2,000-calorie fish sandwiches—creations they claim fans might literally "run from"—and people still buy them, because they're drunk, and it's there, so why not?
In this spirit, I've gone ahead and upped the ante by asking myself: What kind of dishes would actually be turned down at a modern stadium?
How deep-fried, booze-drenched and carb-heavy does something have to be before one of the hungover apron-wearers working the nacho line pauses to ask "Is this is...safe?"
The following are my attempts to create such foodstuffs—items no owner in their right mind would allow within 300 feet of their stadiums. Some are plain bad for you, others are obscenely impractical in size and delivery. One dish is served without consent at ~90 mph via a compressed air cannon.
And they're all delicious.
The Raptor Leg
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It's breaded. It's blanketed in bacon. It's enough to finish off Rob Ford.
The Raptor Leg seeks to address the Toronto Raptors' criminal negligence in capitalizing on their prehistoric roots. The base is a turkey leg wrapped in bacon, which is then deep-fried in apathy by a 16-year-old just trying to make some nose ring money.
Pros: Easy to grip, can be used for self defense.
Cons: You're eating a giant corn dog, which may not be a con.
Burrito Cannon Surprise
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Less of a meal item and more of a promotional activity, the Burrito Cannon Surprise will replace the lame launching of T-shirt bundle launches at ballgames.
Powered by a 300-psi compressed air cannon, the BCS launches well-rolled, packed-to-the-brim burritos at the most unsuspecting fans in attendance. The less attention you're paying, the more likely Mr. Met will bean you in the larynx with an 88 mph, south of the border bullet. Lucky you!
Pros: Free burrito.
Cons: You have to catch it.
Yo Soy Sombrero
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If your hat can't harbor meat and alcohol, is it really a hat?
If you answered "no," then the Yo Soy Sombrero is for you. Featuring four pounds of loaded nachos, a built-in salsa bowl and a clipped on, dosarita-style bottle of tequila, the YSS is a bang for your buck double-threat that will have you full and fighting strangers in public.
Pros: The more salsa you eat, the more tequila enters your bloodstream.
Cons: The more salsa you eat, the more tequila enters your bloodstream.
.jpg?w=256 "Colts Jaguars Football")
The Minnesota Meat Trough
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Inspired by the trough urinals at the old Minnesota Metrodome, the Minnesota Meat Trough marries repurposed bathroom equipment with the joy only piles of cold cuts can bring.
That is to say, it's a trough filled with meat. Stop being a pansy and dig in.
Pros: Snap-on hooks for easy latching onto seat backs.
Cons: Takes three grown men or one young mule to transport.
Philly Rum Ham
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As Mac and Frank proved in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the Rum Ham is the pinnacle of mobile booze-food.
As its name suggests, the Rum Ham is a ham doused in rum. Not marinated, mind you. Just alcohol poured over meat. Neither the rum nor the ham mask or complement one another in the least. But it will get the job done.
You'll start by carving up slices, but you'll be chewing it off the bone and streaking across Lincoln Financial Field in no time.
Pros: Two-in-one dinner plus a cocktail.
Cons: Inevitable incarceration.
King's Cake Pizza
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Sit down, Pizza Hut. The bacon and cheese crust is over.
Rob Ryan is rolling out the King Cake Pizza, with cake, icing and sequins circling the rim of a meat lover's pie. Of course, whoever gets the slice of crust with the Sean Payton figurine inside will be blessed with untold fertility come the harvest season.
Pros: Dinner, dessert and tomorrow's dinner—all in one place.
Cons: The crust alone carries more calories than the average Burundi family gets in a day.
Pulled Pork Pretzel
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Pretzels and pigs: together at last.
Pros: Pulled pork is good with everything.
Cons: Ruiner of dad pants.
South in Your Mouth Kebab
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General rule: Don't talk about the South.
Should you ever find yourself even considering besmirching those south of the Mason-Dixon Line, instead of filling the air with judgement, fill yourself with the South in Your Mouth Kebab. Featuring crawfish, cornbread, snake meat and fried frog legs, it will kill you with flavor (gator heads and/or crab legs are extra).
Pros: Hand-held, deep-fried deliciousness.
Cons: Double check snake for pulse/venom.
Macaroni by the Foot
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A surefire hit in the Great White North, Macaroni by the Foot is the only pasta loaf you order with a measuring stick.
Comes in multiple sizes, ranging from Rodgers (1') to Raji (6').
Pros: It has bacon.
Cons: You smell burnt toast after finishing.
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.jpg?w=480 "Colts Jaguars Football")
