Things in Sports Worth Hating
It took a wise man to teach me about love and marriage. He likened their connection to that of a horse and carriage. “You can’t have one without the other,” he explained.
This principle of mutual dependence extends to nearly all aspects of life. For example, the very notion of love itself would cease to exist without the concept of hate. And the extent to which we appreciate or value certain things, such as love or food, is defined by contrast and determined through comparison. You couldn’t tell me how much you like steak if you didn’t also know what it’s like to hate spinach, for example (I love both, for the record).
Of course, just like the rest of life, the sports arena is also filled with conflict, with both the good and the bad. Good and bad games, good and bad people, good and bad ideas.
And, like life, the things in sports we cherish draw meaning and value from the things we could clearly do without.
So, if for no other reason than to help you appreciate the best things sports has to offer, we’ve decided to focus on what we’ve learned to hate.
Without further ado, then, it’s time now to explore nine Things in Sports we have no choice but to detest.
Al Golden's Saturday Attire
1 of 9
Simply put, Miami's Al Golden looks terrible...all of the time.
I’m not sure what’s worse: Golden’s fashion sense, or the fact that no one has told him to change.
It shouldn’t bother me, but it does.
For starters, he no doubt has the money to replace the white oxford shirt he wears literally every Saturday. You know it as the one that’s at least two sizes too large. And what about his way-too-big pleated khakis? Who does he think he is—Jim Harbaugh?.
To pick out a mediocre outfit that doesn’t fit on a single occasion is bad, but forgivable. To stick with that outfit, however, and to wear it every single Saturday is borderline insane.
He reminds me of a college freshman whose mom forgot to take him shopping before he left home.
The only difference is that Golden is a millionaire adult who just so happens to make regular appearances on national TV.
Possession Arrow
2 of 9
For as long as I can remember, I’ve harbored intense disdain for the possession arrow.
To me, it makes no sense.
In the world of competitive sports, you have to earn things like baskets and possession of the ball.
Concepts such as sharing and “it’s your turn” rarely have a place, belonging more to board games and playgrounds.
Of course, none of that’s true when it comes to college basketball’s pesky alternating arrow, which is completely defined by similarly juvenile schools of thought.
When not all tie-ups are created equal, something’s wrong.
When quality defense is rewarded only if “you’re up,” there’s something missing.
And when the meaning behind a given play or rule fluctuates depending on turn, it’s a problem.
If a team is trailing late and desperately needs a timely turnover, it should be rewarded for quality defense (with at least a jump ball, if not outright possession), regardless of the direction in which some silly arrow is pointing.
Likewise, a team that failed to protect the basketball down the stretch should be penalized, not granted a “do-over” that just so happens to be the most childish concept of all.
NBA Dancers
3 of 9
Let’s stick with basketball and head to the NBA, where all 30 franchises employ teams of half-naked dancers.
I do love beautiful women, but I also love high-level basketball and, for the life of me, can’t understand how or why the two go together.
I also like football and poetry, but never once have I craved a limerick while sitting in the stands.
I don’t know about others, but when I attend NBA games, I usually go for the basketball. So when in the middle of an intense game a hoard of scantily clad women dance their way onto the floor to gyrate in unison, I can’t help but scratch my head.
And their role is every bit as degrading as it is misplaced. Are the dancers themselves “in on it,” or completely oblivious to their true purpose?
Do they believe the NBA’s mostly male audience truly appreciates their classical dance moves, or do they know the truth: that the NBA is selling its masculine audience a basketball wrapped in sex?
Either way, I sure wish they’d find somewhere else to dance. After all, timeouts are for bathroom breaks and concession lines, if not basketball.
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The Sideline Reporter
4 of 9
While they are mostly talented journalists—I no doubt respect their skills—sideline reporters, and the things they say, just never strike me as remotely necessary…or even worthwhile.
Save the rare injury report, I can’t remember a single moment in my sports-watching career when I was thankful for a sideline report.
More often than not, their “behind-the-scenes” intelligence interferes with either the action or the call, two things I prefer over additional info detailing what a quarterback had for lunch.
In-Game Interviews with Coaches
5 of 9
Brought to us by the sideline reporters we so dearly love, in-game interviews are every bit as worthless.
I should admit, I’m actually all for efforts focused on improving the viewing experience. And I firmly believe that most good ideas wouldn’t exist without the exploration of a few bad ones first.
But recognizing mistakes, and admitting you were wrong, is key in life, and interviewing coaches while they’re supposed to be, well, coaching, is a runaway mistake to say the least.
The most obvious issue here is that coaches are never going to give you what you want, even if the questions are quality, which they rarely are. The very nature of their craft requires them to be tight lipped, not to mention they always seem sort of busy at the time.
If the coaches themselves enjoyed the interviews, I’d better manage my anger. But they don’t. In fact, they actually hate them. Just ask Coach Pop.
People Obsessed with T-Shirt Cannons
6 of 9
I get it. The shirts they rain upon us using their magical cannons are in fact free. And things that are free pretty much rule.
Or do they?
Usually, if you’re getting something for nothing, there’s a pretty good reason: No one else wanted it.
In this case, how many people really need an XXL shirt/dress that’s as cheap as it is generic?
And while we’re on the topic, I should probably point out that wardrobe is one of the things in life actually worth paying for.
This is key: Clothes need to fit, both in size and style, and jumbo-sized shirts fired your way via cannon aren’t likely to meet either requirement.
Thunder Sticks
7 of 9
Based on this list, you’d think I really hate attending sporting events, where thundersticks seem to have found a home. That, of course, is not the case.
I just really hate obstructed views combined with loud, obnoxious noises. Talk about double trouble.
The only thing worse than watching your team lose is watching the kid sitting next to you discover the pack of thundersticks waiting under his seat.
Either team officials really believe this god-awful noise bothers opponents in a profound enough way to matter—and believe me, it doesn’t—or they have zero faith in their core product—live sports.
Either way, how about this for a new rule: Every time a nearby patron gestures toward his or her thundersticks, you get to rain thunder down on the offender with yours, assuming you haven’t already thrown the stupid things away.
Inappropriate Celebrations
8 of 9
Sports can get intense and athletes are usually pretty passionate about the ones they play. The unpredictable nature of it all often leads to celebrations that are as memorable as they are unique.
When they fit, they liven the game and enhance the product.
When they’re misplaced, however, they can be truly maddening.
The worst offenders seem to play football, where defenders regularly celebrate big hits, even when they occur on plays that resulted in first downs or touchdowns.
By definition, a defender’s job is prevent the other team from moving the chains and scoring points. If you fail to do either, you don’t get to rejoice, no matter how colorful or exciting your failure was. To react with any emotion other than anger or dejection is either selfish or just plain dumb.
Celebrations can be equally confusing on the hardwood, too, where missed free throws are consistently met with "love" from teammates.
If you’re trying your hardest to win a game, and during it a member of your team continuously misses shots referred to as “free,” there should be absolutely no room for adulation or praise.
At the end of the day, guys like Dwight Howard and Andre Drummond (both shoot well below 60 percent from the charity stripe) should be resented not respected.
Cliched Answers in Interviews
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In general, there’s not enough honesty in life. This void exists nowhere more than in your average sports interview.
Ask a question and you’re more likely to get coach-speak, platitudes and cliches than the actual truth.
Sure, in a way, the media is to blame. The honest answer can often times be a controversial one, and reporters and writers have scared their subjects away from making headlines. But such a rationalization doesn’t make their generic answers any more tolerable.
At this point, sports figures have turned dodging questions into a science, plugging the same tired answers into a simple and safe formula.
No one game is more important than another and no injury is too great to overcome, or at least so they say.
Follow Janovitz on Twitter @BrainTrain9
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