The Great Lumbering Heavyweights of MMA History

Plenty of people appreciate the heavyweights. For decades immemorial, these behemoths have buttered the bread that is combat sports. 

But I wish there was more love for the rank and file: the lumbering heavyweights. You know, the guys who look and move like, you know, guys. UFC Fight Night 50, happening Friday, is a necessary celebration of these individuals, with Ben Rothwell taking on Alistair Overeem and Matt Mitrione and Derrick Lewis doing battle. Now that is what I am talking about.

To further honor these men, here is a ranking of the 10 biggest, lumberingest lugs the MMA heavyweight division has ever produced.

By the way, "lumbering" is not a euphemism for "fat." It's more than that. Let's go to the dictionary, why don't we, which defines "lumbering" as "moving clumsily or heavily, especially from great and ponderous bulk." OK, so it does mean fat, kind of. But also, it means clumsy.

One more thing: no novelty fighters here. No converted boxers (cough RayMercer cough), Emmanuel Yarboroughs or Double Rainbow Guys. Only real competitors with real MMA careers. Thank you.

Save Your Brock Lesnar Comments

Eric Jamison/Associated Press

Yes, he was a big galoot. And yes, I realize you didn't like him. But he was actually a really athletic dude. That was the whole thing that made his MMA career possible. His toes were surprisingly twinkly for such a big guy.

Anyway, just wanted you to know I had heard of him, despite the fact that he's not on the list. Carry on.

10. Joey Beltran

Matt Roberts/Getty Images

Give it up for The Mexicutioner. 

Beltran didn't move too well, but like a lot of guys on this list, if he could reach the center of the cage in order to be in optimum position to hit you, then he had accomplished his movement objective.

A couple of years ago, the slugger moved down to light heavyweight after a five-year career in the largest division. At that weight class, he is 2-3 with one no-contest for a steroid pop. So you tell me what the smart move was. Lumbering heavyweight looks pretty darn good right about now for The Mexicutioner, if you ask me.

9. Cole Konrad

STEPHEN CHERNIN/Associated Press

Cole Konrad was pretty ponderous, but he didn't have to ponder anything for anyone.

In 2010, Konrad, a two-time national wrestling champion in college, became the first heavyweight champion in the Bellator promotion. And he did it with a keylock to boot. Very, very lumbery.

And if those aren't enough bona fides, Konrad announced his surprise retirement from MMA in 2012 to become a commodities broker specializing in dairy products. He was undefeated when he did it, and it was a thoughtfully reached decision, but if that's not the lumberingist reason for MMA retirement ever devised, well, I'm stumped.

8. Ben Rothwell

USA TODAY Sports

Ben Rothwell comes off as a very likable guy. A gentle giant, if I may.

He also comes across as having perhaps the worst gas tank on the UFC's active roster, now that BJ Penn is retired. Remember when the UFC scheduled Rothwell and Mark Hunt to fight in Colorado? That was like scheduling a salmon fight in the desert. Can you imagine such a thing? It's just mean.

Is it funny? Yes. Still mean, though.

Rothwell is a massive underdog against Overeem on Friday, but given that he could put a redwood to sleep with his fists, he'll always have a chance. If it goes into the later rounds with Overeem, more comedy could ensue.

7. Mariusz Pudzianowski

Proof positive that you don't need to be flabby in order to bring the lumber.

Mariusz Pudzianowski, the multi-time world's strongest man, transitioned over to MMA and has enjoyed a very nice little run in his native Poland's well-respected KSW promotion. The company does a good job of pairing him with other lumbering guys, and then they just kind of lurch around with each other and swing. It's kind of sweet, actually.

Speaking of sweet, have you checked out his entrance song? If not, you must do so now. 

6. Ricco Rodriguez

Doug Benc/Getty Images

Most on this list are newer guys, mainly because most of the lumberers from the old days were freak-show types. The Akebonos, the Giant Silvas, the Hong Mans. But there was one man from that era who still shines bright in the lumber constellation. That man is Ricco Rodriguez. 

The lumbering experience is always helped along by the general sense that the lumberer in question is about to faint, or disgorge something, or suddenly say "screw it" and pop the top on a beer can. Rodriguez carried all these risks at once, every time, and it was thrilling.

It was also thrilling back in 2002, when Rodriguez gutted his way to the fifth round to finish Randy Couture and claim the UFC heavyweight belt. He's had many high-water marks, but all were punctuated by a lumbering style and an inability to make weight.

5. Wesley 'Cabbage' Correira

When I began this exercise, I was thinking about including Kazuyuki Fujita. What really connects Fujita and Cabbage Correira, as you certainly know, you longtime MMA historian you, is their hard heads—their ability to stand there and take shots.

So I watched some tape on these guys, which means I dialed up some YouTube videos...I just get to call it "tape" because I'm a writer. After my intense research, I can conclude that Cabbage is the more lumbering of the two. Easy.

At least when Fujita throws a kick, you can see that he has joints in his legs. And while Fujita was a bit stiff in there, he was actually far from graceless. He had solid wrestling training and used it to competitive effect. Cabbage was not far from graceless.

Final point: If Tank Abbott has ever danced circles around you in the MMA cage, you're lumbering in there. To illustrate this point, just check out the tape.

4. Tim Sylvia

JANE KALINOWSKY/STR/Associated Press

If you're shaped like a birdseed bell with legs, chances are you're a lumbering heavyweight.

Hey, that's just science saying that. Nothing personal against Tim Sylvia, the former UFC heavyweight champion of the world. Would that the UFC could sponge away that writing from its stone, UFC. But they cannot, hard as it tries! Forevermore! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahhhhh, splendid. Whether Sylvia ever makes it back to big-league MMA or not (you interested, Scott Coker?), to me he'll always be that lumbering, lumbering, lumbering man with the oddly out-of-place manicured beard. The man who leaned up against the cage during matches, whether there was a man in between him and the fence or not. He would just lean, and whatever he took with him, he took.

Those were heady days at the top of the heavyweight division. And we thought we would live forever. 

3. Antonio Silva

USA TODAY Sports

Antonio Silva moves toward his opponent like an animatronic dinosaur in a state of substantial disrepair. You almost can hear the joints creaking, feet slapping the ground as he puts one foot in front of the other. You can hear the air around him rumble when he misses another one of those tomahawk-chopping right hands.

But he's the monster who could. He's the people's monster. Remember when he came back to beat Alistair Overeem? His heart grew three sizes that day, and we've all loved him ever since. He may not hunt down the platydons like he used to, but he can still hold his own against one of those newfangled T-Rexes. And there's no way Pixar isn't aware of this. 

2. Roy Nelson

USA TODAY Sports

Here's the guy you see in the dictionary when you look up the term. It's entirely possible Roy Nelson took your dictionary, pasted himself in there and put it back on the shelf where you had it.

He likes the attention you give him. He likes being The Guy Who's Different. He absorbs laughter like others absorb threats. It's bulletin board material. It makes it all the sweeter when he wins fighting (and looking) his way, not yours. And if that means winning a few less bouts, well, the once he does win makes up for it.

Label him a lumberer all you want. He has lumbered into the zeitgeist, and he shall not lumber out until he's good and ready to do so.

1. Bob Sapp

Wong Maye-E/Associated Press

What puts Bob Sapp up here is that he knows he's lumbering but sells it for cash. He's like the opposite of Nelson. He doesn't want to be considered lumbering, and yet he'll let you equate that (and him) with sucking (and losing) if you just take care of him on the back end.

Sapp also is the proverbial elephant cowering from the mouse. And that throws the lumbering into even sharper relief. In other words, he physically lumbers, but most of his lumbering really happens between the ears.

Scott Harris covers the serious and less-serious aspects of MMA for Bleacher Report. Follow Scott on Twitter if you feel so inclined.