Top Seven Living American Athletes

Have you ever ranked your “tiers” of teams in sports?

For instance, my first tier would be the St. Louis Cardinals and a team to be named in a couple of lines. Second tier, I have Southern Illinois basketball. Third tier, Illinois basketball. All else is pretty much below that. 

My point is that everyone has one team that should be in their first tier—the old U S of A!  USA! USA! 

I, unfortunately, have never been able to root for the USA live, so I have never been part of a legitimate USA chant. Plenty of USA chants, but never one directly related to a sporting event, it was always at bars after Michael Phelps wins gold medals, or at pro wrestling. 

One of my personal goals in life is to be part of a legitimate USA chant. It’s achievable, I believe. 

The point of all of this is that it’s Fourth of July weekend, which means that it’s time for the Top Seven to update its greatest Americans in sports list. Happy birthday America!

7. Albert Pujols

In classic Pujols fashion, he scored a perfect 100% on his American citizenship test a couple of years ago. He’s also about halfway through one of the best seasons that anyone has ever had in baseball history.

He has guys hitting behind him that have hit right around .220 this year. He’s still on pace for over 60 home runs. He is destroying anything that people give to him right now, which is not much.

Perhaps the most amazing part of his season is his ten stolen bases, which leads the Cardinals. Ten. He has a shot to go 60/20 this season.

It’s going to be entertaining to see which national writer tries to give the first half NL MVP to someone else. Whoever it is, they should never be allowed to write about baseball ever again.

6. Mark Cuban

Just because it’s like a real-life “Little Big League.” He gets to do anything he wants for as long he wants. That’s awesome.

5. Shaq

He’s fun-loving, and very much enjoys eating. He also has dreams of being in Hollywood (Kazaam is so good), but when it comes down to it, wouldn’t mind settling down as a simple blue-collar working police officer. 

He’s also on Twitter, which is apparently not only a prerequisite to be an American right now, but also necessary to mention at least once every 90 seconds if you are a member of the media.

4. Lance Armstrong

An inspirational figure for winning all of those races against the darned French, plus anyone who can also start a good-old American trend (those bracelets) on top of that is guaranteed a spot on the list. 

If this was a general Greatest Americans list, the guy who decided to start selling shoes that light up as you walk would have to make the list as well.

3. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

There is no prouder American than Hacksaw. You are probably giving a thumbs-up and saying “Hoooo!” right now just from reading his name. 

The question is whether someone who has seen Hacksaw live can claim that they have legitimately been part of a USA chant. I say yes.

It would be fun to carry an American flag with you everywhere you went like Hacksaw.  “Hacksaw” is a profoundly American name in itself. His finishing move, the three-point stance, is as American as apple pie and shooting things. Long live Hacksaw!

2. John Daly

Loves to golf, gets pissed off when he does badly, smokes and drinks on the course, gets girls to show their breasts, and loses tons of money gambling. It’s a wonder that he can’t be No. 1.

1. Charles Barkley

He was never afraid to dunk on someone’s head, sometimes just for the hell of it. He is proud of his massive weight problem, and celebrates it by continuing to eat. 

He loves gambling, will say whatever is on his mind, and parlays all of that into a discussion of running for public office (though the whole DUI thing has probably put a bit of a damper on those plans). 

He’s also helped his country win a gold medal. Charles Barkley—sports’ greatest American.

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