25 Jobs Jose Canseco Thinks He Can Do
In case you haven’t already heard, proudly juiced-up, retired slugger Jose Canseco is a pretty interesting follow on the Twitter. No filter, no sense and absolutely no self-awareness is a tried-and-true recipe for accidental comedy.
Canseco’s spelling and grammar mistakes, one-sided celebrity feuds and compulsion to smack down “haters” are all worth tuning in for. But the single greatest reason to follow this guy on Twitter is to follow his unending search for regular employment.
Whether Canseco’s job search is money-driven or just due to boredom, he has been casting a pretty wide—and very public—net. So what does he think he’s most suited for? Um…how about everything. Seriously, you name it and Jose Canseco thinks Jose Canseco would be amazing at it.
Here are 25 jobs Jose Canseco thinks Jose Canseco can do.
Mets Hitting Coach
@JoseCanseco: I should be the mets hitting coach
Time/Date: 4:03 AM - 27 May 2014
Considering the trajectory of the Mets over the last decade, Jose Canseco seems like a pretty good fit in New York. Perhaps there’s something to this one. Brace yourselves, though—it only gets crazier from here.
Reality Television Creator/Star/Producer
@JoseCanseco: I need an investor with 100k to partner up with me.i want to do a reality show called twitter wars.people from twitter will live with me
Time/Date: 9:42 PM - 17 Jun 2013
@JoseCanseco: My life is a reality show. Today would’ve been a very funny weird episode. Another day in the life of Jose Canseco.
Time/Date: 6:26 PM - 15 Mar 2014
I’m not going to lie—if there was a show about Jose Canseco living with a bunch of strangers who troll him on Twitter, I would absolutely watch it. Although, I suspect the everyday happenings of his life are far less entertaining than he imagines.
Kentucky Derby Horse
@JoseCanseco: At my fastest I could easily beat any horse around the bases
@JoseCanseco: I would lead out of the gates but they would beat me in the derby because of the distance
@JoseCanseco: My kentucky Derby time is estimated at about 3:45.5 #cansecochrome
Time/Date: 2:33 PM - 3 May 2014
Maybe you think Canseco is just joking around about competing with race horses, but be assured he is quite serious. These three were part of a larger series of tweets in which he lays out his chances against a horse in various scenarios.
@JoseCanseco: I was thinking about governor of Nevada but I do like Brian @govsandoval
@JoseCanseco: I won’t do any worse than the morons in congress now and will raise the average IQ of the town. #beltwayjose
@JoseCanseco: Send me to D.C. Nevada #yeswecanseco
Time/Date: 12:49 PM - 29 Dec 2013
Hmm. Would Jose Canseco raise the average IQ in DC, the fourth-smartest city in the United States? No. Could he actually do just as good/terrible a job as most of the "morons" in Congress? Definitely, maybe.
Award Show Host
Time/Date: 6:09 PM - 25 Apr 2014
Unfortunately, ESPN decided to go another direction with Drake this year, but it’s comforting to know they’ve got such an inexperienced loose cannon waiting in the wings should Drake get injured in some sort of #YOLO-related accident.
Tony La Russa’s Personal Assistant
Mentor to Children And/or Wizard
@JoseCanseco: Dammm i should be a. mentor. A type of all knowing wizard. after all i have done it all
Time/Date: 2:20 AM - 30 Apr 2014
Truly every parent’s dream, am I right?
Time/Date: 9:40 AM - 29 May 2014
I haven’t seen the documentary, but I’m guessing it has a pretty sad ending since Canseco recently revealed his homeowner’s association made him get rid of the goats. I’m also guessing that it’s not so much a documentary but rather a series of blurry home videos and absolutely nothing else.
Radio Show Host
Time/Date: 5:01 PM - 5 Sep 2013
Frankly, this is the best of all Canseco’s half-baked career ideas. He couldn’t do it all on his own, but he’s crazy and entertaining enough to play second banana—the Golic to someone’s Greeny.
Boxer/Fighter of Shaquille O'Neal
@JoseCanseco: I will fight you @dwighthoward I need a warmup for that p***y @shaq
Time/Date: 6:41 PM - 10 Nov 2013
@JoseCanseco: I’m ready for a fight who wants to try me
@JoseCanseco: In the ring
Time/Date: 4:36 AM - 11 Dec 2013
@JoseCanseco: You say you’ll fight me anywhere @shaq ? Let’s meet at the free throw line Big P***y
@JoseCanseco: I’ll just wear a Charles barkley mask @shaq and you’ll flop like a boneless chicken
@JoseCanseco: U back out on this one @shaq and you tie the French army in running to the rear
Time/Date: 11:26 PM - 16 May 2014
Jose Canseco is awfully convinced of his own boxing prowess, which is pretty interesting for a guy that once sent his twin brother, Ozzie, to box in his place. Hopefully he checks with Ozzie before committing him to a fight with Shaquille O’Neal.
Late Night Sidekick
Time/Date: 1:53 AM - 11 Apr 2014
A sidekick in this sort of venue has to be friendly, likable, and always willing to cede the spotlight to the host. Perhaps on his very best days, Jose Canseco is friendly and likable, but there hasn’t been a day in his adult life in which he’s been comfortable or willing to cede the spotlight.
Co-Host of the View
Time/Date:2:51 PM - 13 May 2013
Besides The View being an all-woman talk show, Canseco could definitely hang with intellectual heavyweights like Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd. In fact, he’d probably fit in perfectly.
@JoseCanseco: Getting in shape to play again in 2014. Can’t leave this game. As long as I can breath and walk. I’m a baseball player.
Time/Date: 12:06 AM - 3 Nov 2013
At least he has experience with this one. That being said, making a career as a baseball player is a ship that has sailed for Canseco. Time to move on.
Time/Date: 6:41 PM - 17 Dec 2013
That’s quite an offer he laid on Alex Rodriguez. A brief glance at his Twitter page proves Canseco’s grasp on the English language is questionable at best, and he propositioned A-Rod by calling him “b---h t-t.” Talk about making him an offer he can refuse.
Golden State Warriors Head Coach
Time/Date: 6:10 PM - 7 May 2014
Although Jose Canseco knows nothing about basketball or coaching a professional basketball team, at least he kept it real with expectations. If that’s what the Warriors are looking for, they should also consider hiring me.
Reporter for Bloomberg News
@JoseCanseco: Be glad to join your team at Bloomberg and help you dig deep and expose more. I know what to do. hug for u.
Time/Date: 6:07 PM - 5 May 2014
Being an investigative reporter requires actual reporting experience, patience, people skills, critical thinking and a solid grasp on the English language. Sadly, Jose Canseco does not possess any of those things. hug 4 him.
White House Press Secretary
Time/Date: 4:24 PM - 30 May 2014
I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a public job posting for White House press secretary, but I feel fairly confident that animal training (real or imagined) isn’t listed anywhere as a desired qualification for the position. #nowecantseco
United States Ambassador to Russia
Time/Date: 4:26 PM - 30 May 2014
Oh yes, great idea! Ambassador to Russia Jose Canseco would certainly improve our icy relations with Vladimir Putin. They could hang out shirtless together and hit things with bats.
Trainer of Turtles, Goats, and Dogs
Time/Date: 4:24 PM - 30 May 2014
So, maybe (and by maybe, I mean definitely) Jose Canseco isn’t qualified to be White House press secretary or the ambassador to Russia, but maybe, just maybe, he’s qualified to train your turtle. Seriously though, can turtles be trained to do anything?
Literally Any Job at MLB
@JoseCanseco: When am I going to get a Mlb job.I could be a good manager.oh shit I forgot I told the truth so I will never get a gob with mlb
Time/Date: 1:02 AM - 8 Nov 2013
Well, maybe not any job at MLB. This is, of course, Jose Canseco we’re talking about. Perhaps we could find something befitting his extensive post-retirement experience...
Detroit Tigers Manager And/or Pitching Coach
@JoseCanseco: Hello Detroit @tigers it is Cansecotime! #motorcityseco #Cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey @tigers our pitching is great I can really help our hitters #cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers if you can sign beltran and balfour I will win it all #cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers Ricky as my bench coach and Dibble as my pitching coach. I’ll do the hitting. I’m bringing maline back. #cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers do we even have a strength and conditioning staff. We got a lot of santa clauses in the lineup. #cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers dm me buddy. #cantiger
Time/Date: 3:25 PM - 21 Oct 2013
Because insulting the team by calling them fat is always the best way to land a job. Jose needs to work on his unsolicited public interview skills. Then again...why be a manager when you can be...by George, I think he's got it...
Time/Date: 1:33 AM - 21 Oct 2013
Well, suppose the committee chosen to find a replacement for Bud Selig can call it a day. Jose Canseco has already done their job for them—and better than they ever could’ve. As usual.
Time/Date: 3:12 PM - 13 May 2014
At first glance it looks like Jose Canseco is offering up a critique on the decision to cast Ben Affleck as Batman. Which he kinda, sorta is. But he’s only doing it to make his case that he, Jose Canseco, should’ve been cast instead.
University of Texas Football Coach
@JoseCanseco: Hey Steve @stevepatterson you need a huge name for huge job buddy. I know football even better than baseball.
@JoseCanseco: Hey Steve @stevepatterson Here is my plan to fix Texas football.
@JoseCanseco: First the lines are weak. It is our foundation and must be stronger. I know what to do. #Cansecohorns
@JoseCanseco: Second what conference are we even in now? Just join the SEC already #Cansecohorns
@JoseCanseco: Third why have we had all these 5’9 QBs with weak arms? Go get another Vince Young #Cansecohorns
@JoseCanseco: Fourth hire the Baylor recruiting coach he is killing us. #Cansecohorns
Time/Date: 12:51 PM - 15 Dec 2013
Can you believe they hired Charlie Strong after Jose Canseco presented such a solid case for himself? The Longhorns have been struggling all this time, and all they needed to do was get another Vince Young (no problem!) and join the SEC (no problem!).
@JoseCanseco: Why can’t I just be Godzilla for a day . He’s awesome .
Time/Date: 3:30 AM - 20 Oct 2013
To be fair, Canseco doesn’t necessarily say that he thinks he should or could be Godzilla, a fictional dragon monster that’s fond of terrorizing the Japanese. He just wants to be Godzilla—and he’s got a better shot at that than White House press secretary and almost everything else on this list.