25 Jobs Jose Canseco Thinks He Can Do
In case you haven’t already heard, proudly juiced-up, retired slugger Jose Canseco is a pretty interesting follow on the Twitter. No filter, no sense and absolutely no self-awareness is a tried-and-true recipe for accidental comedy.
Canseco’s spelling and grammar mistakes, one-sided celebrity feuds and compulsion to smack down “haters” are all worth tuning in for. But the single greatest reason to follow this guy on Twitter is to follow his unending search for regular employment.
Whether Canseco’s job search is money-driven or just due to boredom, he has been casting a pretty wide—and very public—net. So what does he think he’s most suited for? Um…how about everything. Seriously, you name it and Jose Canseco thinks Jose Canseco would be amazing at it.
Here are 25 jobs Jose Canseco thinks Jose Canseco can do.
Mets Hitting Coach
1 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I should be the mets hitting coach
Time/Date: 4:03 AM - 27 May 2014
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Considering the trajectory of the Mets over the last decade, Jose Canseco seems like a pretty good fit in New York. Perhaps there’s something to this one. Brace yourselves, though—it only gets crazier from here.
Reality Television Creator/Star/Producer
2 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I need an investor with 100k to partner up with me.i want to do a reality show called twitter wars.people from twitter will live with me
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Time/Date: 9:42 PM - 17 Jun 2013
@JoseCanseco: My life is a reality show. Today would’ve been a very funny weird episode. Another day in the life of Jose Canseco.
Time/Date: 6:26 PM - 15 Mar 2014
I’m not going to lie—if there was a show about Jose Canseco living with a bunch of strangers who troll him on Twitter, I would absolutely watch it. Although, I suspect the everyday happenings of his life are far less entertaining than he imagines.
Kentucky Derby Horse
3 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: At my fastest I could easily beat any horse around the bases
@JoseCanseco: I would lead out of the gates but they would beat me in the derby because of the distance
@JoseCanseco: My kentucky Derby time is estimated at about 3:45.5 #cansecochromeTime/Date: 2:33 PM - 3 May 2014
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Maybe you think Canseco is just joking around about competing with race horses, but be assured he is quite serious. These three were part of a larger series of tweets in which he lays out his chances against a horse in various scenarios.
.jpg?w=256 "Colts Jaguars Football")
Politician
4 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I was thinking about governor of Nevada but I do like Brian @govsandoval
@JoseCanseco: I won’t do any worse than the morons in congress now and will raise the average IQ of the town. #beltwayjose
@JoseCanseco: Send me to D.C. Nevada #yeswecansecoTime/Date: 12:49 PM - 29 Dec 2013
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Hmm. Would Jose Canseco raise the average IQ in DC, the fourth-smartest city in the United States? No. Could he actually do just as good/terrible a job as most of the "morons" in Congress? Definitely, maybe.
Award Show Host
5 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Yes i will be glad to host the ESPYs. dm me. @espn
Time/Date: 6:09 PM - 25 Apr 2014
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Unfortunately, ESPN decided to go another direction with Drake this year, but it’s comforting to know they’ve got such an inexperienced loose cannon waiting in the wings should Drake get injured in some sort of #YOLO-related accident.
Tony La Russa’s Personal Assistant
6 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Congrats buddy @TonyLaRussa on your new position with Diamondbacks. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Time/Date: 1:12 PM - 18 May 2014
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Something tells me Jose Canseco would be the most menacing personal assistant in the history of the world.
Mentor to Children And/or Wizard
7 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Dammm i should be a. mentor. A type of all knowing wizard. after all i have done it all
Time/Date: 2:20 AM - 30 Apr 2014
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Truly every parent’s dream, am I right?
Documentary Filmmaker
8 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I have a documentary on our goat adventure @ModelLeila . Ode to me goats I’ll release it if anyone wants to see
Time/Date: 9:40 AM - 29 May 2014
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I haven’t seen the documentary, but I’m guessing it has a pretty sad ending since Canseco recently revealed his homeowner’s association made him get rid of the goats. I’m also guessing that it’s not so much a documentary but rather a series of blurry home videos and absolutely nothing else.
Radio Show Host
9 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: And hire to do a radio show for them. Lets make it happen. Here I come @robdibble49 lol
Time/Date: 5:01 PM - 5 Sep 2013
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Frankly, this is the best of all Canseco’s half-baked career ideas. He couldn’t do it all on his own, but he’s crazy and entertaining enough to play second banana—the Golic to someone’s Greeny.
Boxer/Fighter of Shaquille O'Neal
10 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I will fight you @dwighthoward I need a warmup for that p***y @shaq
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Time/Date: 6:41 PM - 10 Nov 2013
@JoseCanseco: I’m ready for a fight who wants to try me
@JoseCanseco: In the ring
Time/Date: 4:36 AM - 11 Dec 2013
@JoseCanseco: You say you’ll fight me anywhere @shaq ? Let’s meet at the free throw line Big P***y
@JoseCanseco: I’ll just wear a Charles barkley mask @shaq and you’ll flop like a boneless chicken
@JoseCanseco: U back out on this one @shaq and you tie the French army in running to the rear
Time/Date: 11:26 PM - 16 May 2014
Jose Canseco is awfully convinced of his own boxing prowess, which is pretty interesting for a guy that once sent his twin brother, Ozzie, to box in his place. Hopefully he checks with Ozzie before committing him to a fight with Shaquille O’Neal.
Late Night Sidekick
11 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Congrats @StephenAtHome I’m available if u need a side kick. I can be a good Ed McMahon.
Time/Date: 1:53 AM - 11 Apr 2014
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A sidekick in this sort of venue has to be friendly, likable, and always willing to cede the spotlight to the host. Perhaps on his very best days, Jose Canseco is friendly and likable, but there hasn’t been a day in his adult life in which he’s been comfortable or willing to cede the spotlight.
Co-Host of the View
12 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I would like to fill the Opening on the View @theviewtv
Time/Date:2:51 PM - 13 May 2013
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Besides The View being an all-woman talk show, Canseco could definitely hang with intellectual heavyweights like Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd. In fact, he’d probably fit in perfectly.
Baseball Player
13 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Getting in shape to play again in 2014. Can’t leave this game. As long as I can breath and walk. I’m a baseball player.
Time/Date: 12:06 AM - 3 Nov 2013
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At least he has experience with this one. That being said, making a career as a baseball player is a ship that has sailed for Canseco. Time to move on.
Editor/Ghostwriter
14 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Need some help with your book b*tcht*t @arod
Time/Date: 6:41 PM - 17 Dec 2013
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That’s quite an offer he laid on Alex Rodriguez. A brief glance at his Twitter page proves Canseco’s grasp on the English language is questionable at best, and he propositioned A-Rod by calling him “b---h t-t.” Talk about making him an offer he can refuse.
Golden State Warriors Head Coach
15 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Hey Joe Lakob @warriors hire me I promise not to win any where near 50 games. #splashbrother
Time/Date: 6:10 PM - 7 May 2014
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Although Jose Canseco knows nothing about basketball or coaching a professional basketball team, at least he kept it real with expectations. If that’s what the Warriors are looking for, they should also consider hiring me.
Reporter for Bloomberg News
16 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Be glad to join your team at Bloomberg and help you dig deep and expose more. I know what to do. hug for u.
Time/Date: 6:07 PM - 5 May 2014
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Being an investigative reporter requires actual reporting experience, patience, people skills, critical thinking and a solid grasp on the English language. Sadly, Jose Canseco does not possess any of those things. hug 4 him.
White House Press Secretary
17 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I am available to replace Jay Carney @barackobama #yeswecanseco
@JoseCanseco: I have trained turtles, goats, and dogs I can train the media @barackobama #yeswecansecoTime/Date: 4:24 PM - 30 May 2014
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I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a public job posting for White House press secretary, but I feel fairly confident that animal training (real or imagined) isn’t listed anywhere as a desired qualification for the position. #nowecantseco
United States Ambassador to Russia
18 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Or we could talk about Russia ambassador opening if that’s a better fit @barackobama #yeswecanseco
Time/Date: 4:26 PM - 30 May 2014
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Oh yes, great idea! Ambassador to Russia Jose Canseco would certainly improve our icy relations with Vladimir Putin. They could hang out shirtless together and hit things with bats.
Trainer of Turtles, Goats, and Dogs
19 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I have trained turtles, goats, and dogs I can train the media @barackobama #yeswecanseco
Time/Date: 4:24 PM - 30 May 2014
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So, maybe (and by maybe, I mean definitely) Jose Canseco isn’t qualified to be White House press secretary or the ambassador to Russia, but maybe, just maybe, he’s qualified to train your turtle. Seriously though, can turtles be trained to do anything?
Literally Any Job at MLB
20 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: When am I going to get a Mlb job.I could be a good manager.oh shit I forgot I told the truth so I will never get a gob with mlb
Time/Date: 1:02 AM - 8 Nov 2013
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Well, maybe not any job at MLB. This is, of course, Jose Canseco we’re talking about. Perhaps we could find something befitting his extensive post-retirement experience...
Detroit Tigers Manager And/or Pitching Coach
21 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Hello Detroit @tigers it is Cansecotime! #motorcityseco #Cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey @tigers our pitching is great I can really help our hitters #cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers if you can sign beltran and balfour I will win it all #cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers Ricky as my bench coach and Dibble as my pitching coach. I’ll do the hitting. I’m bringing maline back. #cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers do we even have a strength and conditioning staff. We got a lot of santa clauses in the lineup. #cantiger
@JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers dm me buddy. #cantigerTime/Date: 3:25 PM - 21 Oct 2013
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Because insulting the team by calling them fat is always the best way to land a job. Jose needs to work on his unsolicited public interview skills. Then again...why be a manager when you can be...by George, I think he's got it...
MLB Commissioner
22 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: I saw Bud Selig on tv and threw up In my mouth .
@JoseCanseco: I should be the commissioner of baseball .Time/Date: 1:33 AM - 21 Oct 2013
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Well, suppose the committee chosen to find a replacement for Bud Selig can call it a day. Jose Canseco has already done their job for them—and better than they ever could’ve. As usual.
Batman
23 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Ben Affleck is no batman maybe robin or commissioner gordon. Shoulda picked one who did not need fake muscle suit buddy @zachsnyder #batseco
Time/Date: 3:12 PM - 13 May 2014
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At first glance it looks like Jose Canseco is offering up a critique on the decision to cast Ben Affleck as Batman. Which he kinda, sorta is. But he’s only doing it to make his case that he, Jose Canseco, should’ve been cast instead.
University of Texas Football Coach
24 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Hey Steve @stevepatterson you need a huge name for huge job buddy. I know football even better than baseball.
@JoseCanseco: Hey Steve @stevepatterson Here is my plan to fix Texas football.
@JoseCanseco: First the lines are weak. It is our foundation and must be stronger. I know what to do. #Cansecohorns
@JoseCanseco: Second what conference are we even in now? Just join the SEC already #Cansecohorns
@JoseCanseco: Third why have we had all these 5’9 QBs with weak arms? Go get another Vince Young #Cansecohorns
@JoseCanseco: Fourth hire the Baylor recruiting coach he is killing us. #CansecohornsTime/Date: 12:51 PM - 15 Dec 2013
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Can you believe they hired Charlie Strong after Jose Canseco presented such a solid case for himself? The Longhorns have been struggling all this time, and all they needed to do was get another Vince Young (no problem!) and join the SEC (no problem!).
Godzilla
25 of 25
"@JoseCanseco: Why can’t I just be Godzilla for a day . He’s awesome .
Time/Date: 3:30 AM - 20 Oct 2013
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To be fair, Canseco doesn’t necessarily say that he thinks he should or could be Godzilla, a fictional dragon monster that’s fond of terrorizing the Japanese. He just wants to be Godzilla—and he’s got a better shot at that than White House press secretary and almost everything else on this list.
.jpg?w=480 "Colts Jaguars Football")
