The Real Sporting World Episode Three: "Drunken Interviews" (Satire)

Josh GalliganCorrespondent IJune 12, 2009

Note: This is a fictional, make-believe show containing the likenesses of some our very favorite and colorful sports stars. They have been locked in a house to live with one another for 1 month under the watchful eye of host and former Steelers mascot Steely McBeam.

Starring: Manny Ramirez, Kobe Bryant, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Roger Clemens, Alex Rodriguez, L.T., Mark "The Mad Dog" Madsen, and host Steely McBeam.

Clips are shown of the first two episodes. The camera then cuts to the living room where everyone except for host Steely McBeam is present.

Manny: “Where is McBean?” Manny looks around, troubled by the absence of his new best friend.

Kobe: “They should have had me as the host of this show.” Kobe is filing his nails.

Madsen: “Why, so you could yell at everyone when they did something you didn’t like?”

Kobe: “Exactly.” There is no sarcasm in his voice at all.

Madsen: “Wait, are you serious?”

Kobe: “Yup.” He nods.

A-Rod: “Does anyone want to play hide and go seek?”

Everyone looks at A-Rod and a response to his question would likely have came but a loud bang is heard, similar to as if a mascot just took a digger down the stairs. No one appears to be too concerned.

Kobe: “I can’t believe I’m not on this box of Wheaties..”

Clemens: “I can.”

Kobe: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Clemens: “For one, you’re a dick. Two, you might like to think it, but you're no Michael Jordan.”

Brady: “Aren’t you supposed to be shooting up steroids or something right now?”

He looks around sarcastically for a clock.

Clemens: “I DON’T TAKE STEROIDS!” He stands up, turning the familiar purple.

Peyton: “Just in case you haven’t noticed, no one believes you. No one at all.”

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Madsen: “I believe you Rocket!” (He offers a high-five. It is ignored.)

Clemens: “DO NOT CALL ME ROCKET!!” He storms off, bumping into a woozy, disheveled Steely McBeam.

McBeam: “Good morning everyone, getting along as usual I see.”

A-Rod: “It’s one o’clock in the afternoon..”

Peyton: “Actually, it is one o eight.”

McBeam: “Oh, uh.. Sorry.”

Kobe: “You’re a pretty horrible host.”

McBeam: “Well, I’ll make it up to you all. I have details of what we’ll be doing today!”

Manny: “Can we play soccer?”

A-Rod: “Hide and go seek?”

LaDainian: “Tag?”

McBeam: “No. Seriously, some of you guys might want to start thinking before you speak. Anyway, to prevent you all rioting we figured we’d do something fun.”

Madsen: “Did you build an indoor basketball court?”

McBeam: “No.”

Brady: “Are there strippers downstairs?”

McBeam: “Unfortunately, no. We’re going to all get drunk and play a getting to know you game.”

Madsen: “Oh yeah! Gonna get crunk! WOO!” He goes to high-five Steely who pats him on the shoulder instead.

McBeam: “Think about what you're going to be telling your partner, get something to eat then meet me downstairs in a couple of hours.”

The camera cuts to black and then cuts back in, presumably a few hours later in a new bar type room. There is an assortment of different beers and liquors on the bar. Mad Dog has sneaked a bottle of whiskey and is sipping from it, attempting to be sneaky but failing horribly.

McBeam: “Okay, we’ll be playing drunken getting to know you. You won’t have your normal roommates as partners. I think it’s safe to say you know enough about them quite well by now.” Madsen tries to nod at Clemens who is doing everything in his power to stare straight ahead.

McBeam: “The partners are: Alex and Manny, Tom and Kobe, Peyton and Mark, and Roger and LaDainian. Before we break off, what do you all want to drink?”

Manny: “Chocolate milk!”

Peyton: “Gin and tonic on the rocks.”

Kobe: “Grey goose and cranberry.”

LaDainian: “Some of that expensive looking wine right there..”

Clemens: “Just gimme a beer.”

Brady: “A mimosa.”

A-Rod: “A Seagram’s with ice. The raspberry kind.”

Madsen: “Three shots of Tanguaray 151!” He starts pumping his fist, bobbing his head back and forth.

McBeam: “Okay, get your drinks, get in your pairs and start asking the questions provided. And everyone please keep an eye on Mad Dog, we’ll probably have to shut him off in about twenty minutes.”

The alcohol, not surprisingly lightens the mood a great deal. Except for Clemens of course. He is complaining about something to LaDainian who appears to be listening intently. After about an hour, McBeam moves to the front of the room for his next announcement.

McBeam: “Okay, Mad Dog is now officially cut off.”

Madsen is sitting on the couch, both his arms crossed, pouting.

McBeam: “First up, Alex and Manny!” He starts clapping, then goes back over to his spot and resumes drinking what appears to be Jim Beam.

A-Rod: “Well, my partner was Manny Ramirez. He plays baseball for the Boston Red Sox. His favorite food is peanuts.”

Manny begins rubbing his stomach, rolling his eyes back. He appears to expressing his love for peanuts.

A-Rod: “His pet peeve is people who don’t like the number twenty four. And the one thing he would most like you to know about him is that if he could be any animal, then he would be a squirrel.”

Manny shrugs his shoulders.

Manny: “They have the life!” He gets his piece of paper and turns to point at Alex.

Manny: “Thees is my new fren, Alex. He play for the Yankees.” Manny shakes his head. “His favorite food is.. Lettuss?” He looks at A-Rod who nods back.

Manny: “Uhh.. His pet peeve is all who make fun a him. And the one thing he want you to know about him is that he is NOT gay!” Manny begins giggling.

A-Rod: “Uh, I didn’t say that, but it is true..” He nods, looking at everyone very seriously. The whole thing was obviously planned.

McBeam: “Okay, um, that was interesting. Next up.. Kobe and Tom.”

Kobe and Tom strut up to the front, arguing over who will go first.

Kobe: “My partner was Tom Brady. He plays QB for the Patriots. His favorite food is..” Kobe looks over at Tom. “I’m not saying that.”

Brady: “Aw! Come on! You all know what it is!” He points at everyone, nodding.

Kobe: “Uh, yeah. His pet peeve is anyone who likes Peyton Manning and the one thing he wants you to know about him is that he’s had more women in his life than you’ve had all time in your imagination.”

Madsen nods.

Madsen: “Can’t argue with that! Just kidding Peyton, you the man!” He tries to reach for Peyton’s glass of gin but Peyton stands and brushes him off.

Peyton: “Wow, that was mature Tom.”

Brady: “Hell yeah it was! I’ma P! I! M! P!” He chugs from his mimosa.

Brady: “Okay, my partner was Kobe Bryant. He plays basketball for the Lakers and is most known for his comparisons to Michael Jordan.”

Kobe is nodding at Tom, pleased that he’s actually saying all this. Madsen raises his hand.

Brady: “His favorite food is Wheaties and his pet peeve is when anyone sucks at anything and he is good at it. Which is everything. That annoys him. Uh, what Mark?”

Madsen stands up.

Madsen: “I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one has ever compared Kobe to Michael Jordan. Or ever will. Thank you.”

Kobe: “Bullshit! I hear it everyday! In the paper, on the internet..”

Madsen: “What on kobebryantisthebest.com?” Mad Dog looks around, laughing incredibly hard. Must have been some good whiskey.

Brady: “The one thing that he would like you to know about him is that he’s liked gambling and Hanes underwear his entire life and doesn’t like it just because Michael Jordan does.” Everyone starts laughing.

Madsen: “Haha! Good one Kobes!”

Kobe: “Mark, shut up! You suck at basketball!”

Madsen’s jaw drops.

Madsen: “WHAT!? One on one, right now! LET’S GO!” Peyton sits Madsen down and hands him his gin so he’ll shut up. Kobe is laughing.

McBeam: “Next up are Peyton and Mark.” Were those words slurred by our mascot?

Madsen pounds the rest of the gin and runs up to the front of the room. Peyton leisurely strolls up behind him. Madsen swings his entire body and then turns sideways, pointing with both hands at Peyton.


No one claps.

Peyton: “I told you no introduction was needed.”

Madsen: “Peyton the Man is on the Colts and is a QB. Dare I say he’s better than Tom?”

Brady: “No.”

Madsen: “Alrighty then, alrighty! Let's see... his favorite food is.. Football?”

Madsen looks down at his list.

Madsen: “His favorite food is football because he eats it for breakfast and dinner? Uh, did I get that right Peyton?”

Peyton: “No, no you didn’t.”

Madsen: “Aw, dude. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, man. I messed it all up, I’m sorry.” He goes to try and hug Peyton who dodges.

Peyton: “It’s fine, keep going.”

Madsen stumbles.

Madsen: “I’m sorry man, I’m so sorry!” He stops, lifting his fist up to his mouth. He tries to run to the bathroom but ends up hurling all over Clemens, who sits there in shock for a moment or two. “Dude! Rocket! I’m so sorry! I must have ate too many Yodels, dude. I’m so sorry!”

Clemens promptly gets up, grabs some more beer and storms upstairs.

A-Rod: “Wow, he handled that well..”

McBeam stumbles over to the front of the room.

McBeam: “Okay, LaDainian -- you need to finish yours and Roger’s. You have to do it, you just have to. Sorry.” He hiccups and sways back over to his chill spot.

LaDainian shrugs and moves to the front of the room.

LaDainian: “It’s okay, Roger didn’t answer any of my questions anyway. He just kept telling me Vizio’s sucked and sometimes he thought I might be retarded. He didn’t mean it though, guy had like three beers, I think? He was crazy. But about me, shucks, where do I start? I learned the value of hard work and being classy early on. I was barely walking and already I was running around the yard, little football helmet on, working out and being polite! I was always trying to get better and I was polite to EVERYONE in my town. They all knew me as polite, classy LaDainian. I used to get SO MANY free cookies!”

McBeam: “Okay L.T., speed it up!”

A-Rod: “LaDainian, did you know this show is sponsored by Sony?”

Peyton: “Nice, Alex, real nice.”

LaDainian: “What do you mean? Why would they pick Sony over Vizio?” He turns to McBeam. “Is this true?”

McBeam shakes his head.

McBeam: “No, we’re sponsored by Burger King, actually.”

L.T. nods, looking relieved.

LaDainian: “Okay, I like them. That king is so classy!”

Brady: “Are you seriously from like a comic book universe where they injected you with Vizio-classy hybrid juice? Is that why you always talk about that stuff? I would seriously believe you if you said that was true..”

LaDainian: “Oh Tom, stop playin!”

McBeam hiccups again and stumbles, falling over. Everyone stares at him for a minute or two before they realize he’s not getting up.

A-Rod: “Did he pass out? Where does he sleep?”

Peyton: “I think it’s somewhere down here. Let’s try down the hall.”

McBeam is carried down the hall to a door with a Steelers sticker on it. They bring him inside and the camera shows Steelers posters and memorabilia everywhere. Also, there’s tons and tons of bottles of Jim Beam.

Kobe: “Still living in the past..”

Brady: “Wow. Steely sure does like Jim McBeam. Haha!” Tom looks around. “Not funny? Okay..”

A-Rod: “Maybe that’s why he woke up at one o clock today. Do you think he’s sad he got let go by the Steelers?”

They all look down at Steely who’s passed out on a makeshift bed.

Madsen: “Well no sense in worrying about it now. Let’s take this booze upstairs and PAR-TAY!” He runs around, picking up as many bottles as he can. The rest follow suit, leaving McBeam to sober up by himself in his basement abode.

The camera cuts to black and same cheesy reality show music plays. The credits inform everyone that the show is indeed sponsored by Sony.

Next week on the Real Sporting World: How will McBeam respond the next morning? What story will he tell? When exactly will Roger Clemens snap and actually hit Mark Madsen? And when will the Mad Dog finally get some returns on his high fives? Stay tuned next week for these answers and more on.. The Real Sporting World!

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