Using my status as a community leader on Bleacher Report, I was able to obtain a source who had access to a government wiretap left on Brett Favre's Packer-issued cell phone that he had used to speak with the Vikings last summer.
(This is the one that the Packers later denied having issued him. It seems that they realized that, having not reported it as compensation to the star quarterback, it was a violation of the league's salary cap requirements and subjected them to a loss of Ted Thompson's coveted draft picks.)
According to the source, the tap was originally put on Favre's phone under the auspices of the Patriot Act because the Bush Administration determined that Favre's retirement was unpatriotic given the amount of news and excitement having him in the league generated. President Obama okayed the continued surveillance because he is more obsessed with sports than getting his stimulus package moving.
The source would only divulge a portion of the phone call that was placed by Favre to Vikings coach Brad Childress after the coach put a deadline on a Favre decision at the end of the week. She assured me that all the relevant portion was made available to me, and I reprint that to you:
Favre: Hey, Brad. What's this I hear about you needing an answer from me by the end of the week?
Childress: Yes, it's true. We can't sit here waiting all summer to know whether we're gonna have you or not. Even the Packers got sick of that.
F: It's Brett. You know who I am, right?
C: We would have been right there with you last year, but you threw nine picks and only two scores in your last five games. We fear you might be done.
F: One, I had even less to work with (in the receiving corps) than I would have with you guys, and that's saying something. Two, I HAD A TORN BICEPS! That's what the whole wait is about!
C: The wait is about you being a tease. That's why you had the wait the last four years, too.
F: I reckon you got a point there, but why do you think I had the surgery I dreaded? Anyway, let's face it, I'm the best option you got. Even with a bum shoulder, I would be better than anyone else on your roster.
C: Okay, but having to answer all these questions is killing our camp. We're getting nowhere. We won 10 games and the division without a QB last year—better to do it again than lose a bunch in limbo.
F: Only because the Packers had half their defense down with injuries. I mean, I hate them now, but let's face it, you don't have any options—I don't see Aaron Rodgers on your roster.
C: But we need to look at options if we can't count on you.
F: What options? You gonna sign (Michael) Vick when it's been three years since he's played? He wasn't that good when he was playing.
C: He did beat you in the playoffs.
F: Doesn't count—(Mike) Sherman was the coach, and he couldn't even figure out how to challenge a punt we never touched!
C: But we can't wait any longer.
F: So you're trying to tell me if I don't sign by Friday, you won't let me sign in July?
F: Give me a break! You would kiss my feet to sign! (Owner) Ziggy (Wilf) would love the ticket sales, your fans would love a QB, and so would the players...you know I heard about what (defensive tackle Pat) Williams said about (Tarvaris) Jackson, right?
C: I reckon you did—ARGH! Now you got me talking like that!
F: Exactly. You know I can save your job and so you're talkin' my language! Maybe I should sign with the Lions. I bet I can make the difference of the couple points they lost to you by in each game, and knock you right out of the playoffs!
C: Okay, you called my bluff, but I can't unring the bell and I can't take it back or I lose face and it makes me a dead-man-walking in my job. Throw me a bone!
F: How 'bout I just tell you publicly, "No, I can't say for sure I'll be heathy enough." Then in July, I tell you I am healthy enough and you say, given that, you think it's the best thing for this team if you sign me, but I gotta make the team—like that's a problem.
That way, you get the media off your backs for now. Yet I'm selling tickets and getting you on prime time, getting to beat the Packers and that dweeb Rodgers twice, and everyone outside of Wisconsin is happy!
C: You got me over a barrel. But I really don't wanna get caught in what happened to the Jets last year. It was the fact that you didn't want to work out all offseason and then tried to get ready quick that got you hurt. You're almost 40 now—you can't get in playing shape in a week or two anymore.
F: I was throwing all spring to try to finish the tear in my biceps. I'm already trying to throw now. If you rush me back, I won't be any good to you. With a QB, you could win it all—wouldn't that stick it to the Packers?
(Editor's note: as they would still be the Vikings, the best they could do is lose for the fifth time in five tries when they get to the Super Bowl.)
C: I'm just interested in winning, not your petty vendetta. And I'm afraid if you're not ready this week, we have two choices—rush you back and put too much wear-and-tear on that old shoulder of yours, or ease you back so you don't know the offense and try to force the ball like you do.
F: Real men are gamblers. Ain't I a risk worth taking? Now, tell me about the home market outside Minneapolis, and the hunting and fishing spots near town...