Comparing Every Premier League Team to a Car

Ryan Bailey@ryanjaybaileyFeatured ColumnistJanuary 5, 2014

Comparing Every Premier League Team to a Car

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    Phil Cole/Getty Images

    Most Premier League footballers are lucky enough to be able to afford any car they desire. But what if Premier League teams were cars? Which four-wheeled wonders would best represent them?

    Here, Bleacher Report has buckled up and turned the key in our attempt to match up each of the 20 top flight sides with their spirit motor... 

Arsenal the Porsche 911

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    Arsenal are undoubtedly a Porsche 911: Beautiful to look at, a big German engine in the back and very little up front. 

Aston Villa the Saab 900

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    Aston Villa are a lot like a Saab 900: They were both dominant in the 1980s, they both still enjoy a loyal following today but they both know their best days are behind them. 

Cardiff the MG 6

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    MG was a proud, traditional and slightly roguish British car mark, capable of some classic moments and the odd surprise. Now, their new Asian owners have made lots of changes and no one takes them very seriously.

    Sound familiar, Cardiff fans? 

Chelsea the TVR Cerbera

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    TVR were a traditional British manufacturer who were bought by a Russian and subjected to a great upheaval.

    Like the Blues, the TVR Cerbera is often out of control. And if you own one, you'll have to change engine parts more frequently than Abramovich goes through managers. 

Crystal Palace the Tow Truck

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    Warning: video contains NSFW language

    Crystal Palace are a tow truck. You only really need to pay attention to them when things have gone very wrong. 

Everton the Ford Focus

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    The Toffees are a Ford Focus. They are comfortable, they operate on a mid-range budget and no one really has a bad word to say about them.

    And on a crowded motorway—or a tight Premier League top five—they can perform just as well as a much more expensive alternative. 

Fulham the Old Volvo Estate

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    Fulham used to be seen as reliable, but now all you can focus on is the fact there there is so much space at the back.

    Hence, a rickety old Volvo estate. 

Hull the Volkswagen Passat

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    Hull are the Volkswagen Passat. They both move quietly and effectively, but ultimately they are just not interesting enough to watch for too long. 

    It was tempting to pair them up with a Vauxhall "Tigra," but that kind of name might evoke protests from the loyal fans. 

Liverpool the DeLorean DMC-12

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    Liverpool are the fabled stainless steel, gull-winged wonder the DeLoren DMC-12, made famous by the Back to the Future franchise.

    Both are still celebrated for their 1980s success, but gradually petered away by the 1990s. 

    In Back to the Future II, Doc Brown's flying motor reappeared in 2015—maybe Brendan Rodgers' side will enjoy a spate back at the top in the same year? 

Manchester City the Bugatti Veyron

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    The Bugatti Veyron is one of the most expensive cars in the world and it is considered one of the best. 

    Like Manchester City, it is a relative newcomer to the pinnacle of its industry, with a lot of new fans, but it is slowly earning prestige and respect among the traditional automotive powerhouses. 

Manchester United the Jeep Cherokee

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    Like Manchester United, Jeep has a powerful American owner.

    The Cherokee has been a ubiquitous and highly popular choice of 4x4 throughout the past two decades, but this year, with its underwhelming reinvention, it doesn't look nearly as good. The same can be said for the Red Devils. 

Newcastle Utd the Ford GT40

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    In light of their appointment of Director of Comedy Joe Kinnear, it was tempting to pair up Newcastle with a clown car, but they might be better suited to Ford's brawny classic, the GT40.

    Both are known for having stripes, both have an affiliation with France, both are very expensive to run and, most importantly, you'd have to be pretty daft to own either of them. 

Norwich the Lotus Elise

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    Lotus are one of Norwich's sponsors, the world famous marque shares the same green and yellow livery and they are all made by hand at a factory not far from Carrow Road. The Canaries, therefore, are the iconic Elise. 

    Like Norwich, an Elise isn't always very comfortable on the road and it is partial to the occasional breakdown. 

Southampton the Ice Cream Van

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    Mauricio Pochettino's Southampton are exactly like an ice cream van: They're a very exciting presence and young kids are attracted to them.  

Stoke the H2 Hummer

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    Stoke are the H2 Hummer. Why? Because you always come off second best in a collision. 

Sunderland the Nissan Leaf

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    An electric car like the Leaf sounds like a good idea on paper, but in reality, they are a little impractical. Equally, many of Sunderland's players don't perform as well as they really should, particularly when they are far from home. 

    And of course, Sunderland could only be a Nissan, since their manufacturing plant is on Wearside. 

Swansea the Morgan 3-Wheeler

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    Swansea are the hand-built British roadster made by Morgan, the Three Wheeler.

    It performs better than anyone would ever have expected, but you can't help but have the feeling that the wheels could fall off at any point. 

Tottenham Hotspur the Caterham 7

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    Tottenham are the classic super-lightweight racer the Caterham 7, based on the original Lotus 7.

    The 7 is sold in kit car form, so you must buy all the expensive pieces and learn how to put them together. Is there any better analogy for the current plight of Tottenham and their summer signings?

    Also, this kit car is usually put together by amateurs who do not have the relevant qualifications for the job—a bit like Tim Sherwood

West Brom the Toyota Prius

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    West Brom are the Toyota Prius. There have been times in recent months when both have seemed unstoppable—quite literally in the case of the hybrid car—but now they're both back to not being taken very seriously. 

West Ham the Ford S-Max

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    The Ford S-Max isn't particularly stylish, it doesn't turn heads, it looks like a bit of a mess up front and it is made in Dagenham. The similarities to West Ham this season are astounding.