10 Things That Confuse Newcastle Owner Mike Ashley
Over the years, Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has faced the wrath of Toon Army fans for his lack of understanding of the club, his embarrassing antics and the "cockney mafia" he brought in to run the club.
This week, manager Alan Pardew added fuel to the Sports Direct fire by claiming that the famously reclusive businessman isn't too clued up about the beautiful game. The Express quotes:
"Mike is a strong character who has been a success in his whole business life and is a genius in that world - but when you come to football, the logic doesn't quite fit.
He loves football but he sometimes can't understand how it works and it confuses and upsets him, and when he is upset, he does things that aren't brilliant for the football club.
"
In light of Pardew's revelation, here are 10 more things that upset and confuse Mr Ashley.
His Tax Return
1 of 10
"Big Mike" struggles to comprehend his tax forms. Not in the Leo Messi-forgetting-to-pay-them sense, but the more practical process of filling them out. Which tax code is he? Does Loic Remy count as an expense? Does "Ashley" have one "s" or two?
David Lynch Films
2 of 10
Strange characters, incoherent events, diehard support and plenty of style with mixed results.
But enough about Newcastle Utd, Mr Ashley doesn't get David Lynch films.
Setting the Alarm Clock on the Oven
3 of 10
Rather than figure out the correct combination of button pressing and knob-twisting, Mike prefers to leave the oven clock flashing "24.00" permanently. At least it's right once a day.
Clothes
4 of 10
Even on the coldest of winter days, have you ever seen Mike Ashley with a jacket on? Newcastle fans should appreciate Ashley's hesitancy to wear layers, but maybe not his confusion about the need to wear any clothes at all while in restaurants.
What Women See in Russell Brand
5 of 10
Is it his bohemian clothing? His verbal diarrhoea? His ability to offend actors from Fawlty Towers on the radio? Mike simply doesn't get why the ladies love Russell Brand.
The US Government Shutdown
6 of 10
So, the entire U.S. government has shut down because some people don't like a law that has already been passed? Yeah, that one confuses us, too, Mike.
His Wireless Router
7 of 10
The blue ethernet light flashes for three seconds and then it turns orange. Now Mike's wife can't watch The Notebook on Netflix.
Since he knows everything about everything, Joe Kinnear offers to come round and fix the pesky router. He ends up calling the person on the BT customer helpline a c*** 52 times.
Geordie Accents
8 of 10
"Yee dee not knaa hoo te run this footie club!"
"Gan back te the sooth!"
"Stick yer Sports Direct weor the sun divvent shine!"
All these things sound like compliments to Ashley's Buckinghamshire-born ears.
Yo Gabba Gabba!
9 of 10
Children's TV show Yo Gabba Gabba! is so mind-bendingly strange that Mike Ashley gave Alan Pardew an eight-year contract straight after watching an episode.
Richard Branson
10 of 10
A self-made millionaire who attracts praise and positive publicity wherever he goes? Mike Ashley can't fathom how Virgin chief Richard Branson does it.
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