Every Premier League Team's Transfer Window Described in a Song

After staying open for two months (or "One Gareth Bale transfer saga" as that unit of measurement shall now be known), the transfer window finally slammed shut on Monday. 

According to The Mirror, a record £630 million was spent by Premier League clubs this summer, far eclipsing the previous record of £490 million from last season. 

Now that the dust has settled and the cheques have been cashed, it's time to summarise the recent transfer activity of all 20 Premiership clubs via the majesty of song. Take a look, and sing along if you know the words... 

Arsenal: 'Late in the Day'

After months of driving Arsenal fans to their wit's end with promises of spending from "war chests" and condescending £40,000,001 moves for Luis Suarez, Arsene Wenger left it until the eleventh hour to bring in the club-record signing of Mesut Ozil from Real Madrid.

It was a little late in the day, but better late than never. 

Aston Villa: 'Keep What You Got'

Aston Villa have shifted plenty of the disappointing deadwood of last season and made some shrewd acquisitions, particularly in Europa League 2012-13 top scorer Libor Kozak and Jores Okore.

The greatest victory of Paul Lambert's project, however, was the fact that they held on to Belgian goal machine Christian Benteke. In this instance, keepin' what they got is the key to movin' on up the table. 

Cardiff: 'Crossroads'

The Cream classic "Crossroads" tells the tale of legendary bluesman Robert Johnson, who claimed to have made a deal with the devil at a crossroads, exchanging his soul for awesome musical ability.

Cardiff City have already made their deal with the proverbial devil, exchanging their blue strip for a demonic red in exchange for the the requisite funding to reach the Premier League promised land. 

The Welsh side now find themselves at a crossroads: Will excellent signings like Steven Caulker and Gary Medel keep them afloat, or will they sink down like Robert Johnson by the end of the season? 

Chelsea: 'The Middle'

"Don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say," sings Jimmy Eat World's Jim Adkins in their 2001 hit "The Middle."

Not only is this sound advice for new summer import Jose Mourinho—who clearly let the whistles and jeers at the Bernabeu get to him—but the song title refers to the area of the field where Chelsea have phenomenal depth: the middle. 

With Andre Schurrle and Willian on the books, Chelsea have so many midfielders on their books that they're going to need to start giving them other jobs at Stamford Bridge, like selling programmes or stewarding. 

Crystal Palace: 'Down'

Crystal Palace signed 15 players over the summer, but some of the more significant deals represent a big role of the dice: an under-pressure Ian Holloway will need to get performances out of Barry Bannan and Marouane Chamakh that they didn't give their previous employers. 

The Eagles were favourites for relegation at the start of the summer, and they still are now. 

Everton: 'Brand New Start'

Despite losing talismanic midfielder Marouane Fellaini to Manchester United, traditionally cash-strapped Everton actually enjoyed a pretty good summer window. 

The Toffees have a new manager and new players including Gareth Barry, James McCarthy and—most significantly—Romelu Lukaku.

It is a brand new start for the Merseyside club, who would have had a perfect window if it had ended an hour early. 

Fulham: 'Thrift Shop'

With new owner Shahid Khan overseeing operations since July, one might have imagined Fulham would have made some big moves in the transfer market.

Instead, their shopping was pretty thrifty with the £4.75 million acquisition of Maarten Stekelenburg from Roma proving their most lavish purchase. London journeyman Scott Parker appears to be a bargain at £2 million, while a loan deal for Darren Bent will surely prove good value for money. 

Hull: 'Danny Boy'

Hull City will benefit from the services of Tottenham castoffs Jake Livermore and Tom Huddlestone, but an awful lot has been put on the shoulders of new boy Danny Graham.

The former Sunderland striker hasn't found the net since January, and if Danny Boy's streak of rotten form continues at the KC Stadium, Steve Bruce's men will be very short on goal-scoring options.  

Liverpool: 'This Will Be My Year'

After a season defined by an underwhelming finish, Suarez's antics and the farcical David Brent-isms of Being Liverpool, Brendan Rodgers has spent nearly £50 million this summer shoring up the defence with the likes of Simon Mignolet, Kolo Toure and Mamadou Sakho.

With an impressive squad and a perfect start to the season, Rodgers must feel as if this will be his year... to finish higher than seventh place. 

Manchester City: 'Takin' Care of Business'

With a summer shopping bill of £91 million, only Tottenham have topped Manchester City's spending during this window. This news will not sit too well with former coach Roberto Mancini, who blamed the Citizen's failed title defence last season on a lack of summer spending. 

City have been takin' care of business very nicely in the past few months, bringing in Fernandinho, Jesus Navas, Alvaro Negredo, Stevan Jovetic and Martin Demichelis long before the scramble of deadline day.

As per usual, City have overpaid for their new prospects—£30 million seems extortionate for Fernandinho, considering he doesn't even make the Brazilian national cut—but this is a team with their sights set on the top, provided they can shake off their jittery start. 

Manchester United: 'Too Little Too Late'

Manchester Utd didn't have a great transfer window. 

Up until deadline day, David Moyes' only signing was Uruguayan youth prospect Guillermo Varela.

Moyes managed to secure the services of his former charge Marouane Fellaini, but attempts to bring in Athletic Club's Ander Herrera were quashed in bizarre "imposter" circumstances, while they moved too slowly to formalise a loan deal for Fabio Coentrao. 

Barenaked Ladies' "Too Little Too Late" aptly sums up the Red Devils' window activity. 

Newcastle: "Death of a Clown"

When Joe Kinnear arrived at St James' Park for the second time to take on the role of Director of Comedy, he raised eyebrows with his dubious claims of connections in the game and lack of ability to pronounce his own players' names.

The former Wimbledon manager's failure to sign anyone at all—save for a loan deal for Loïc Rémy—has infuriated the Toon Army, and will surely prove to be a catalyst for the death of his career.

Actually, this is Newcastle, so he'll probably get a promotion. 

Norwich: 'Hungry Like the Wolf'

Norwich have made some very smart acquisitions over the summer, including Leroy Fer from FC Twente and the prolific striker Gary Hooper from Celtic.

Of course, their biggest signing was Ricky van Wolfswinkel, whose transfer from Sporting Lisbon was actually announced back in March.

Thanks to some decent summer business, the Canaries are now hungry like the wolf to finish in the top 10.

Southampton: 'Three Is the Magic Number'

Southampton may be smarting that they missed out on a £21 million pay day after prematurely cashing in on a sell-on clause for Gareth Bale, but the south coast club have been pretty smart with their money this summer.

The triumvirate of Dejan Lovren, Victor Wanyama and Dani Osvaldo cost a combined £35.5 million, but quality has been added in exactly the areas it is needed.

The biggest coup is surely Johnny Depp-wannabe Osvaldo, whose fiery temperament and eye for goal will bring plenty of entertainment to St Marys. 

Stoke: 'No One Knows'

It's been a fairly quiet window for Stoke City, considering the fact that they have a new manager in Mark Hughes. 

What are the Potters trying to achieve this season? Are they aiming to shed their route one reputation in favour of a passing game? The signing of Barcelona defender Marc Muniesa would certainly suggest this, but alas, no one knows. Outside of Staffordshire, no one really cares either. 

Sunderland: 'Revolution'

Say what you like about Paolo Di Canio, but the Italian is not a lazy man. 

The 45-year-old has been extremely busy in the transfer market in his attempt to rip up the blueprint that nearly got the Black Cats relegated last season in favour of his own Wearside revolution.

US striker Jozy Altidore will be hoping to make a better impression on the Premier League than in his first spell with Hull, while Fabio Borini was snapped up in a loan deal on deadline day.

Sunderland's best signing—and perhaps the best signing of the Premier League window—is Emanuele Giaccherini. Yes, the Mackems buy players from Serie A champions now.

Di Canio has also imposed a revolutionary regime on the playing staff, making them train longer and harder than ever before, and treating them like untrustworthy children by banning mobile phones, mayonnaise and ice in coke.  

Tottenham: 'Mo' Money, Mo' Problems'

With the sale of Gareth Bale and the purchase of an army of new talent, this transfer window has been the most spectacular in Tottenham's history.

While money has been flying around White Hart Lane like an oligarch's wallet caught in a hurricane, building a new team takes time. Rome, after all, was not built in a day.

It make take up to half a season for the likes of Erik Lamela and Christian Eriksen to bed into a radically altered team, at which point they may have lost the chase for the top four to their north London neighbours.

Spurs have undoubtedly done some incredible business, but Andre Villas-Boas might soon learn that more money means more problems.

Swansea: 'After the Storm'

Earlier this summer, it looked as if Swansea could have lost their manager and a number of star players. Thankfully, the Swans survived the stormy waters, and Michael Laudrup was able to keep the band together for 2013-14.

Jonjo Shelvey should prove to be an excellent purchase, while Eredivise sensation Wilfried Bony might soon become another Laudrup bargain. 

West Brom: 'Something's Missing'

West Brom were able to break their club transfer record to bring in Stephane Sessegnon on deadline day. They were also able to strengthen the front line this summer with Victor Anichebe, the highly prolific Matej Vydra and Nicolas Anelka.

But something's missing. It's last season's hero Romelu Lukaku, who was within touching distance of a return to the Hawthorns on deadline day before Everton prised him away. 

The Baggies probably won't struggle for goals, but they might be wishing they still had the Drogba-esque loan star in the new year. 

West Ham: 'You Can't Always Get What You Want'

West Ham win the award for the best-named new player of the window thanks to Razvan Rat (sorry, Ricky van Wolfswinkel), but they had a very disappointing deadline day, only managing to re-sign Carlton Cole.

Given Andy Carroll's injury concerns, the east London side were undoubtedly in the market for another striker, but co-owner David Gold sounded resigned when he told The Metro: "The window is closed, we did our best. It didn’t work out the way we hoped." 

Sorry Hammers fans, you can't always get what you want. 

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