Manchester United and Arsenal's Failed Transfer Targets XI

The transfer deadline is following us around and creeping up on us, like we stopped taking its calls because it got clingy and started talking about having kids. Clubs all over the world are dragging new players into their stadiums, making them hold a shirt the wrong way round and forcing them to undergo something called “a medical”—and to the best of our knowledge, Charlie Austin is the only person to have ever failed one in the history of football.

Well, clubs all over the world apart from Arsenal and Manchester United, it seems.

United and Arsenal are two teams that have been making lots of noise this transfer window, without actually saying anything. According to reports, Manchester United and Arsenal want to sign everyone, but it seems no one wants to sign for Manchester United and Arsenal.

Despite the abundance of players they’ve been linked with, at the time of writing, Arsenal have only signed Yaya Sanogo on a free transfer from Auxerre’s physio room, and Manchester United have signed Guillermo Varela from Uruguayan-champions-and-not-a-brand-of-hayfever-medicine-like-we-first-thought Penarol.

With reckless spending like that, Arsenal and Manchester United fans must be worried their sides will become the next Portsmouth.

So, with that inevitable closing of the summer transfer window parking outside our house all night and ringing our phone then hanging up as soon as we answer, we can’t help but think United and Arsenal need to sign someone soon. Especially with Arsenal acting like a drunk guy in a suit, claiming they have money, but when someone wants them to pay for something they’re no where to be seen, and David Moyes desperate for someone to not go “OK, I’ll sign for Manchester Un...hang on a minute, you’re not Alex Ferguson!”

So, in the hopes that it will encourage the Gunners and the Red Devils to actually pull off a transfer and to showcase which high-quality players aren’t going to the Emirates or Old Trafford, we are going to put together the best XI of players that United and Arsenal have been linked with but have failed to sign.

We will be playing a 3-4-3 formation in tribute to the “Total Football” philosophy and because it’s easier to do this article with just three defenders (with that sort of tactical reasoning, we have suddenly become favorites to be appointed the next England manager).

The transfer deadline is following us around and creeping up on us, like we stopped taking its calls because it got clingy and started talking about having kids, clubs all over the world are dragging new players into their stadiums, making them hold a shirt the wrong way round and forcing them to undergo something called “a medical” which, to the best of our knowledge, Charlie Austin is the only person to have ever of failed one in the history of football.

Goalkeeper: Julio Cesar

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Queens Park Rangers

Who He Plays For Now: Queens Park Rangers

Who Wanted Him: Arsenal, according to Julio Cesar’s agent Josias Cardoso, per The Independent

For some reason being Brazil’s first-choice shot-stopper and once being thought of as the greatest goalkeeper in the world has given Julio Cesar the idea that away games at Huddersfield and Barnsley are beneath him. He also doesn’t seem too keen on playing second fiddle to Robert Green.

It looks like Julio Cesar’s time at Queens Park Rangers is over and, despite some solid performances over the past few seasons, some think Wojciech Szczesny is as convincing between the sticks as Nicolas Cage is in any movie role—which could explain why Arsenal are after him.

Or were after him, according to Ben Jefferson in The Daily Express, who claims Arsenal withdrew their interest in Cesar, and that he now looks set to move to Fiorentina, with Napoli and Villarreal also interested in his services.

Defender: Leighton Baines

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Everton

Who He Plays For Now: Everton

Who Wanted Him: Manchester United still do, according to John Richardson in The Daily Express 

In the summer of 2013, can you really blame most players for being of two minds about going to Manchester United? When Sir Alex Ferguson was there, they knew what they were getting: They would win things and they would usually win those things in injury time. But now there’s a new guy in control, and if you knew that it was the pilot’s first day in the cockpit, you’d get a later flight, wouldn’t you?

One person who doesn’t have the excuse to be apprehensive about the move is Everton’s Leighton Baines, who played under Moyes a few weeks ago.

Apparently Manchester United are getting ready to improve their bid for the full-back, after their previous offer of £12 million was turned down by Roberto “No, you can’t have him, he’s mine now” Martinez.

Defender: Toby Alderweireld

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Ajax

Who He Plays For Now: Ajax

Who Wanted Him: Arsenal and half of Europe, according to Paul Collins of The Daily Mail

Like night follows day, Ajax produce a quality young central defender who then moves to North London. This is the circle of life.

However, Belgian international Toby Alderweireld may (great title for an erotic novel coming up) break the circle of life. Arsenal have reportedly been interested in Alderweireld’s services since January 2013, according to talkSPORT’s Lee Roden.

However, their stalling has attracted interest from Everton, Tottenham, Liverpool and Norwich, and even Spartak Moscow want a piece of the action.

Defender: Ashley Williams

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Swansea City

Who He Plays For Now: Swansea City

Who Wanted Him: Arsenal, according to The Mirror’s John Cross

When he isn’t trying to assassinate Robin van Persie, Swansea’s Ashley Williams is a decent central defender, so it’s no wonder that Arsene Wenger was interested in the Swans captain’s signature. 

However, Arsenal, being the big spenders that they are, didn’t want to pay Williams’ £10 million price tag.

But recent reports claim that there might be renewed interest in Williams from the Emirates now that the injuries of Thomas Vermaelen and Nacho Monreal have left the Gunners’ backline as flimsy as a car brake pad made from cheddar.

Midfielder: Bernard

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Atletico Mineiro

Who He Plays For Now: Shakhtar Donetsk

Who Wanted Him: Arsenal, according to The Daily Mail’s Matthew Morlidge

Brazilian Bernard—or to use his full name adopted by the British press, Arsenal Target Bernard—was apparently very close to becoming an Arsenal player. Then they did their impression of someone who went on eBay drunk, bid for something, woke up the next day and hoped to the heavens that someone would outbid them.

Luckily, Shakhtar Donetsk logged onto their eBay account, which has much better “prompt and courteous buyer” style feedback, and snapped him up for £21.5 million last week.

Midfielder: Cesc Fabregas

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Barcelona

Who He Plays For Now: Barcelona

Who Wanted Him: Manchester United, according to the BBC. 

All this talk of Arsenal (not) buying players makes you forget that this is the first summer in living memory where the Gunners haven’t had to sell the team’s best player.

Actually, ignore that statement. We forgot that Gervinho’s been sold to Roma. Apologies.

Cesc Fabregas won the prestigious award of Mr. I Want To Leave Arsenal 2011 during that summer’s Gareth Bale-style epic transfer saga (please leave your death threats for comparing Arsenal and/or Barcelona to Tottenham and/or Real Madrid in the comments section below).

However, in 2013 Manchester United got it into their head that Cesc wanted to return to English football. For reasons unbeknownst to Fabregas, who has had to issue numerous “I don’t want to leave,” “I’m not interested in a move" and “How do you get a phone number blocked from your iPhone?” press statements discouraging Manchester United from trying to purchase him.

United were reportedly offering a club-record transfer fee to give Cesc Fabregas the option of moving to a European giant with a new manager or staying at a European giant with a new manager and Lionel Messi.

For some reason, Fabregas chose the latter.

Midfielder: Thiago Alcantara

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Barcelona

Who He Plays For Now: Bayern Munich

Who Wanted Him: Manchester United according to The Independent’s Simon Rice and Thiago Alcantara’s dad 

One of the first names on Manchester United’s new backroom staff’s “names of attacking midfielders who might sign for us. Any will do” list was Spain’s Under-21 star Thiago Alcantara.

The deal was apparently close to being done until Thiago’s former boss Pep Guardiola swooped in and signed him for Bayern Munich, causing David Moyes to ask “What are the chances of getting Paul Scholes out of retirement again?”

Again, United gave Thiago Alcantara the option of moving to a European giant with a new manager or staying at a European giant with a new manager and Lionel Messi or moving to a European giant with a new manager that happens to be Pep Guardiola and have a shiny new Champions League trophy.

For some reason, Thiago Alcantara chose the latter.

Midfielder: Marouane Fellaini

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Everton

Who He Plays For Now: Everton

Who Wanted Him: Arsenal and Manchester United, according to Simon Johnson of The Independent

It looks like Everton’s springy-haired midfielder has the honor of the being at the heart of the “This is getting silly, we need to sign someone soon” battle between both Manchester United and Arsenal.

And, should Marouane Fellaini want to escape Roberto Martinez’s Wiganization of Everton, you’d think that, with his history with David Moyes, United would be the favorites to secure Fellaini’s services.

That’s unless Arsenal are willing to spend more of all that money they definitely do have and definitely do want to spend and definitely isn’t made up.

Striker: Gonzalo Higuain

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Real Madrid

Who He Plays For Now: Napoli

Who Wanted Him: Arsenal virtually had him, according to The Guardian’s Sid Lowe

You know there are at least 20 Arsenal fans who are having to scrape “HIGUAIN 11” off the back of their brand-new home shirts, so confident were they that then-Real Madrid-but now-Napoli’s Gonzalo Higuain was about to become a Gunner.

Higuain had apparently agreed a £100,000-a-week deal and was set to fly into London for a medical, but Napoli, who had just lost their manager and their star player and finished second in Serie A, suddenly become a more attractive prospect than Arsenal.

It wasn’t all bad for Arsenal fans though; at least they got to see Higuian play in The Emirates Cup earlier this month when Arsenal played Napoli.

OK, maybe it is all bad for Arsenal fans.

Striker: Luis Suarez

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Liverpool

Who He Plays For Now: Liverpool reserves

Who Wanted Him: Arsenal, so badly that a man who has a portrait of himself in his own house, Brendan Rodgers, described them as lacking “class,” per the Metro.

Luis Suarez seems pretty desperate to join Arsenal, which is surprising considering the initial reason he gave for wanting to leave Liverpool was to escape the British press, so to move to London—a city that has more members of the British press than any place in the universe—doesn’t seem logical.

But, you know the story. Arsenal bid for Suarez. Liverpool reject it. Arsenal meet his buyout clause by bidding £40,000,001. Liverpool reject that. John W. Henry accuses Arsenal of substance abuse. Suarez gets his (surely overworked) lawyers involved. Liverpool make Suarez train in the reserves. Arsenal still haven’t signed anyone.

Gervinho’s like, “Have you guys not even noticed I’ve left yet?”

Striker: Wayne Rooney

Who He Played For At The Start Of The Window: Manchester United

Who He Plays For Now: Manchester United, if his shoulder’s up to it.

Who Wanted Him: Arsenal, according to The Telegraph’s Jeremy Wilson

If the Wayne Rooney transfer saga has a human’s personality, it would be Michael Owen’s. 

We won’t bore you again with the Twitter bio-deleting details; if you don’t know every single twist and turn of this transfer epic, you’re one of the lucky ones. Basically: Rooney wants out, Chelsea want him, United don’t want to sell to Chelsea, so Rooney’s suddenly developed a shoulder injury.

However, as reported by The Independent’s Simon Rice, United were thought to be more open to selling Rooney to Arsenal instead of Chelsea, as they didn’t consider Arsenal as a title contender. Talk about your backhanded compliments.

Arsenal’s interest in Rooney may have cooled off, but with Gervinho gone, Arsenal have a vacancy for a ridiculously foreheaded striker that only Rooney and his receding fake hair can fill.