When Fantasy Baseball Becomes a Nightmare (Humor)

Hope springs eternal every year for the fantasy baseball player. But oftentimes, that hope turns to despair rather quickly.

Still, if you thought your team was having a rough time, just be thankful you aren’t this guy. Look at what he had to say about his team just a few short weeks ago.

Hey, man, I drafted my team yesterday. I think I’m stacked and can win it this year if everyone lives up to their potential. Check out who I have…

C: Geovany Soto—He can be even better after being Rookie of the Year and hitting 23 HR for 86 RBI last year. Look for 30 bombs and close to 100 RBI. Real deal.

C: Ryan Doumit—Just became a full-time player for the first time last year, but he’s 28 and a mature hitter. You can’t ever count on a catcher to hit .300 but he’ll come close while hitting 20 home runs.

1B: Derrek Lee—The Cubs have so many good fantasy players. Lee plays basically every game and will have plenty of chances to drive in runs. And I got him in the 10th round. Crazy. Carlos Pena was there too, but I didn’t want him.

2B: Kelly Johnson—Pretty good at the thin second base spot. Might approach 20-20.  At least he will play every day, Braves have nobody else to use.

SS: Jimmy Rollins—I couldn’t believe when I got him in the fourth round. Dude was MVP two years ago. I think he can get back to 30 HR and maybe steal 40 bases.

3B: Melvin Mora—This guy is pretty consistent and I can’t believe how overlooked he is, especially after the season he had last year. O’s have some weapons in the lineup now, so he should knock in 100 again.

CI: Edwin Encarnacion—I think he will bring the average way up and could hit 30 HR.  Before I picked him, I was looking at Raul Ibanez or maybe a pitcher like Zack Greinke, but I couldn’t pass this guy up.

MI: Mike Aviles—He showed last year that he can just flat out hit, so I’ll plug him in my middle infielder spot. Should score 100 runs and hit 15 HRs or so. There were other guys like Aaron Hill floating around, but I like Aviles.

OF: Manny Ramirez—I don’t know why he got passed over for guys like Miguel Cabrera and Ian Kinsler. Manny’s just sick and might hit 50 HR this year. I think he’ll behave with Torre as his manager for a full season. Calling it right now, NL MVP.

OF: Vladimir Guerrero—I know he’s not the stud he once was, but he’s only been on the DL three times in 11 seasons, so I know he’ll be good for 30 HR, a .300 average, and close to 100 RBI. Guy right after me wanted Vlad but he ended up with Nick Markakis. Ha ha.

OF: Lastings Milledge—Got him in the 14th round, unbelievable for a guy who might go 30-30. He’s finally put it all together.

OF: Xavier Nady—Never been a huge fan, but he is in a good situation for the Yankees and will probably get 20-25 HRs and about 85 RBI. Not bad as a fourth outfielder for my team.

Util: David Ortiz—You know Big Papi is always good for 35 HRs. He’s not slowing down anytime soon since he never plays the field.

Bench: Cameron Maybin—This guy can do it all, just like Milledge. I love having multi-talented guys like this on my team. Someone was saying that Dexter Fowler will steal more bases, but I think Maybin will blow him away.

Bench: Kevin Kouzmanoff—He can hit .270 with about 25 HRs and 85 RBI. Got him way late, and I think he can be a solid fill-in player when I need him.

P: CC Sabathia—He’s got so much offensive help that he might win 25 games. AL Cy Young, take it to the bank. I made him the first pitcher off the board. I just don’t like Lincecum, and I’m worried about Santana’s arm. CC is a sure thing.

P: Brandon Webb—What a workhorse. Five straight seasons over 200 innings. Pretty good for a No. 2 starter, huh?

P: Ricky Nolasco—I had Jair Jurrjens and Erik Bedard on my radar, but I think Nolasco is going to become the ace of the Marlins. Fifteen wins last year with a 3.52 ERA. I think he can be even better.

P: Chien-Ming Wang—The guy just wins games. He should be totally over that injury from last year. What a steal in the 12th round.

P: Fausto Carmona—He was in the Cy Young discussion two years ago. Last year his numbers weren’t very good because of an injury. He’ll bounce back. Watch out for the Indians this year.

P: Kenshin Kawakami—I see him having success right away because he’s been in Japan so long and Major League hitters haven’t seen him. He’s a Dice-K, not an Irabu.

P: Brett Anderson—Last-round pick. I like this guy’s potential, and the A’s always seem to bring up good young pitchers. I figured I’d rather try him out than take someone like Armando Galarraga or Wandy Rodriguez.

P: B.J. Ryan—The Blue Jays are going to have a good team this year. I think he can save 45 games.

P: Joel Hanrahan—Needed a closer. There were other guys hanging around like Heath Bell and Chad Qualls, but the Nats are gonna be way better this year, so I think Hanrahan could save 30.

P: Jason Motte—Took a late gamble on him because he throws extremely hard and he doesn’t have much competition for Cardinals closer. Who else are they gonna use, Ryan Franklin?

So I’m pretty happy with my team. I know there will be some bumps in the road, but it will take a lot for me not to be in serious contention. I really like my chances.