Random Thoughts: Did He Just Call Tiger Woods a Loser?

Jonathan MaltbyCorrespondent IMay 4, 2009

CHARLOTTE, NC - MAY 03:  Tiger Woods of the USA tee's off at the 5th during the final round of the Quail Hollow Championship at Quail Hollow Golf Club on May 3, 2009 in Charlotte, North Carolina.  (Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)

Random Thoughts While Watching The Final Round at Swail Hollow:

3:00:  CBS is psyched Tiger Woods is in the hunt, as they open up with a montage worshipping Tiger.  I think Jim Nantz just j***ed in his pants ala Andy Samberg.

Jim Nantz leads CBS’s coverage of the tournament.  And for those of you not familiar with Nantz, you’re in for a treat.  He’s the master of the double entendre.

It’s a tight leaderboard with Bubba Watson leading as they show Tiger making par on an easy par 5.  You can hear the disappointment in Nantz’s voice. I can’t believe he didn’t bring up Tiger’s knee surgery again.

3:07:  They show Mickelson finishing 18 with a round of 5 under 67, nice clutch round when you’re totally out of it.  He’s the leader in the clubhouse, two off of the lead and currently tied with Tiger.

3:10:  Nantz tries to talk Faldo into Phil having an outside shot, but Faldo shoots him down.  Faldo says Phil’s “done,” then says he likes Ian Poulter as a darkhorse.  Nantz returns the favor by informing us that Poulter worshipped Faldo as a kid and that he’s always Faldo’s darkhorse.  They’re already fighting in code, 10 minutes into the broadcast.

3:14:  Out to Gary McCord with Bubba Watson, McCord keeps mentioning how “volatile” Watson is on the golf course.  Translation:  he likes to curse and throw clubs.  McCord is giddy with anticipation.

Leaders drop a bit, 5 tied at -9, Tiger and Phil one back.

3:19:  Vintage Nantz, talking about Bubba Watson on the tee, Nantz gives us this gem; “He can let out the shaft right here.”  Does he realize he says these things?  I think he does, maybe he secretly uses these double entendres as a shout out to all his fraternity brothers that may be listening.

3:24:  Poulter putts for eagle, Faldo openly roots for him.  Poulter misses as Faldo groans “No.”  As the putt passes the cup, Nantz says flatly, “No way.”  You can almost hear Faldo look over at Nantz, like “what’s your problem, mate?”

3:28:  McCord says O’Hair is “officially lurking.”  Gutsy call, O’Hair is tied for second, one off the lead.  Nantz then proceeds to ask McCord what the definition of “officially lurking” is.  McCord is flustered, he has no answer.  Nantz calling everyone out today.

3:30:  Nantz discussing Bubba Watson’s putt for birdie, then says “Betcha there’s a lot of bubbas out here.”   Is that a quasi-racist anti-redneck remark?  Would he say in Harlem, “Leroy for par.  Betcha there’s a lot of Leroys out here?”

3:39:  Ian Baker Finch informs us that Watson suffers from ADD.  Faldo jokes about it, then watches Watson’s shot and makes a cricket reference, does he think this is the BBC feed?  Seriously, what was that?

3:46:  Great birdie putt by Watson as he takes the lead.  I wonder if he’s even paying attention.

3:50:  Tiger taking forever to hit an 85 yard shot.  I worry several golfers are watching, saying to themselves, “That’s what I need to do, take more time for each shot.”

3:55:  Finch described a putt, then paused for a while, then just said “Firm and Straight.”  You can almost hear Nantz say, “Touche, Finchie.”

4:09:  Watson birdies to take sole possession of the lead.  You see, I knew the intro for this round was all wrong.  They tried to sell it as Tiger vs. Zack Johnson, two Masters winners battle it out.  But they should’ve tried to sell it as Tiger vs. Bubba Watson, he’s way more interesting.  Great name plus he hits the ball further than anyone on Tour and works the ball every which way.  Don’t know how he gets so much power, he doesn’t look strong, has a lazy half swing, but a super strong grip, just amazing.  He just hit a 9-iron into a 176 yard par 3 and birdied it.

But CBS chose to feature Zack Johnson?  Nothing against him, but I’m not paying to see him play golf. In fact, I probably don’t ask him to join my threesome if he’s sitting there as a single.

4:24:  Just mentioned that Watson’s wife played profession basketball.  I have two friends who suck at basketball and think they could dominate in the WNBA.  I’m not so sure, but it shows you the respect it gets.

4:36:  Tiger drove the green on a par 4 and Faldo, seeing people waving white towels after Tiger’s shot, asks mockingly “What are they, surrendering?”  Nantz says sternly, “Saluting.”  These two love each other.

4:38:  Poulter for birdie on 18, four off the lead.  Faldo bemoans his luck and calls him “my colorful darkhouse,” you can hear Nantz snicker, I think.

4:46:  Tiger three putts for par after driving the green.  He either has allergies or he’s about to cry.

4:50:  O’Hair tearing it up, he leads at -12, then Watson and Glover one back, then no. 304 in the world Dufner at -10 and Tiger one back from him.

5:08:  O’Hair birdies 16, two shot lead.  Tiger drives it into the fairway bunker as some fan shouts, “There you go, Tiger!”  Can’t tell if he’s rooting for him or mocking him, but I do know that Tiger’s overly aggressive caddie Steve Williams will punch him in the face.

5:23:  O’Hair misses the putt and bogeys 17, down to a one shot lead.  Finchie acts like he’s got money on him, lamenting the miss.

5:29:  CBS shows a graphic that only two golfers in the top 10 today are not under par, Tiger and Zack Johnson.  Nice call on the intro.

5:39:  Announcer David Feherty awkwardly congratulates Nantz for winning his second Emmy.  Faldo gives reluctant praise.  Nantz thanks them, then pulls a Nantz and says they deserve credit too “for you have held me on your shoulders in many ways.”  Hmmmm. 

5:47:  Glover bogeys 17.  O’Hair pars 18, in the lead and in the clubhouse at -11.  Nantz calls O’Hair a “big-time player.”  Nice research, really studied his game.  Thanks for the insight.

5:54:  Amazing interview!.  Feherty asks Tiger since he didn’t win, does that make him a loser?  Tiger answers “I am, I did.”  “So you’re a loser?” Feherty asks and Tiger responds “and not even first loser.”  Then Feherty proceeds to call Tiger Woods a loser over and over.  Tiger’s laughing, looking uncomfortable and trying to walk away.  Then back to Nantz who laughingly says, “Three times in a sentence, he called Tiger a loser.”  Did that just happen?  Yes it did, wow.

5:58:  Glover has to chip in on 18 to win, they show O’Hair practice putting getting ready for a possible playoff, but you know he’s just praying for someone to stop him and say, You won.  Glover misses, and they show O’Hair continuing to practice putt even though he’s won the tournament.  Still putting.  Finally someone stops him and tells him he won.  They should’ve made him wait a little longer.

6:01:  They’re still putting out on the 18th green but no one cares anymore, the tournament is over.  Wow, Zack Johnson taking forever on his last putt and finally calls over an official who wipe’s away something in Johnson’s line.  Nantz implies it was bird poo.  Really, is that a rule?  Also, I noticed that the official did it with his bare hand.  Here comes another pandemic.

6:03:  Finally, Nantz wraps it up, we’re cutting into Old People Night on CBS.


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