Broncos Coach Gets Advice From "Big Brother"

Neil mclaughlinCorrespondent IMay 4, 2009

     OK Josh, I will explain why the kids keep picking on you. When Dad (Bowlen) left you the keys to the family Cadillac, you immediately took it to Bert’s Garage for a new paint job, getting Dawkins, Goodman, Hill and Davis. It looked great compared to the old look. However; you got a little cocky and decided to upgrade the engine, and Ole Cooter exchanged your North Star V8 with a Honda Accord 4 banger. Trading Cutler for Orton was a severe downgrade. This is when the playground bully gave you your first wedgie and hung you on the flag pole.

   I defended you like the big brother I am but you didn’t learn any lessons. Remember when I dried your tears and told you the yellow water on your pants was from your juice box?

   Then Dad gave you his credit card and said to go buy tires and fill it up with gas. The first thing you did was buy a transmission. Remember Moreno is a running back and you had already overspent on three mediocre ones. Oh well, at least you could still afford new tires and you bought a great tire in Ayers. Good job Joshy! Then all you needed was three more to complete the first half of your task.

    I know Cooter was working you hard and you just had to buy those flashy rims since you had Dawkins and Champ shining so bright. So you bought two more with your next two picks Smith and Mcbath and yes they do look sporting. But Ole Cooter put them on the old bald tires you came in with including the flat tire you limped into his garage with. You had no real nose tackle.

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   I had faith that you were going to get one with the other 8 picks because you’re so smart. (At least that is what your teacher Mr. Belicheck says.) But this is where Cooter took you out back and showed you his slutty sister Henrietta and convinced you that you needed something she could provide. You were so happy you gave two picks for the opportunity to draft Quinn who by the way would probably never even get drafted but I can excuse you because it was your first experience and you got prematurely excited. This is when you bought the bumper sticker that says Shit Happens. I don’t think it belongs on the hood however; it did cover the hole where the ornament used to be. Remember you gave it to Henrietta for a necklace.

     So far you bought one tire, two rims, a transmission and your first sexual experience, but you still need three more tires and gas. This is where you told Ole Cooter that you really need a nose tackle and some defensive line help however; he sold you another shiny rim, Bruton, only it was for the spare tire in the trunk. You seemed to regroup for a moment, except you forgot that Olsen plays on the offense not defense.

     After that you simply asked if there was any credit left on Dad’s card, and Cooter said there was plenty since he had already extended you credit on the payment plan by using next year’s first round pick on one of those shiny rims and you could get some candy while he installed a fancy steering wheel cover, Mckinley for round five.

     While you were busy looking for the Cracker Jack box toy, Cooter extended you even more credit from next year and then installed a leaf blower as a turbo charger by getting quarterback Brandstrater for two picks, including next years fifth rounder. After the sugar high from the caramel coated popcorn and Henrietta’s eternal love, you simply said lets buy a car freshener named Schlueter.

     Josh, I think dad is going to be pissed when he find’s out that you didn’t get all the tires or any gas.

     Maybe that’s why the boys pick on you when you show pictures of the made over Cadillac. Josh, it’s time I let you in on a few little secrets. When your teacher Belicheck makes you sit on the chair in front of the class with the pointed hat, it is not because you are his favorite. It is called a dunce chair. The juice box yellow is from you pissing your pants and, well, you better sit down for this one Josh even though I know you are still tender there. Henrietta is really a man in a dress.

    Oh quit crying at least he didn’t give you a dirty Sanchez!

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