Justin Bieber vs. Sports

Dan Carson@@DrCarson73Trending Lead WriterMay 29, 2013

Justin Bieber vs. Sports

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    Well, well...Mr. Bieber. We meet again.

    Just when I thought we were rid of you for good, you slither back into your courtside seats, garbed in shrink-wrapped skinny jeans and gold chains, baying for attention. I thought I had you in Norway, but it would appear that glass door didn’t finish the job.

    You’ve been a busy bee, Justin. I’m told one of our people chased you down with a hybrid midsize and you fled like a child. I also hear you’re a Los Angeles Kings fan. Again.

    Well, I’ve been keeping notes. You’ve been interloping in the world of sports for far too long, meddling in our affairs and trying to be a part of it all. Clearly revolving doors and water bottles aren’t going to end this.

    So here’s the deal, we’re going to look back and see who has gotten the better of these exchanges between you, Justin Bieber, and sports. I don’t care if it’s petty and pointless, Justin! We’re doing it.

    May the least universally hated contestant win.

Justin Bieber vs. Keyshawn Johnson

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    Keyshawn Johnson was driving through his quiet gated neighborhood in Calabasas, Calif., with his three-year-old daughter in tow when a white shadow blasted past him doing close to 100 mph.

    Johnson had seen the car before—a white Ferrari he knew belong to Justin Bieber—and that's when the ex-NFL wideout went full Ramathorn.

    Doubling back home, Johnson took his daughter inside, slid across the hood of his Prius (presumably) and took off in pursuit of Bieber—because no pop star endangers Key’s baby girl and gets away with it scot-free.

    Even if he’s Justin Bieber. Especially if he’s Justin Bieber.

    Bee-lining to Bieber’s home, Johnson hopped out and attempted to confront the 19-year-old singer about his Speed Racer stunt, but Bieber ran into his mansion and refused to speak with him.

    Authorities are currently investigating Bieber for reckless driving as a result of the incident. Advantage Keyshawn.

    Sports: 1 Bieber: 0

Justin Bieber vs. Keyshawn Johnson (Part 2)

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    The night after Keyshawn Johnson chased Bieber down in their Calabasas neighborhood, the pop singer had the gall to do his celebrity duty and pretend be a fan of the Los Angeles Kings.

    Bieber rolled into the Staples Center for Game 7 of the NHL playoff series between the Kings and the San Jose Sharks on Tuesday night, wearing the requisite amount of team apparel that celebrities need to cheer on franchises in which they aren’t emotionally invested.

    Popcorn was eaten, giggles were shared and nary a water bottle was thrown at the young man, despite the fact NBC sportscasters tried their very hardest to raise the alarm. During a break in the action, one intrepid announcer sent up the Bat Signal (or Bucs Signal) alerting Keyshawn Johnson to come to the stadium if he wanted to get break himself off a piece of the pop star.

    Somewhere on a Los Angeles area highway, Johnson presumably sat in gridlocked traffic shaking his fist at the sky, unable to get to the game in time to lay it down.

    Sports: 1 Bieber: 1 

Justin Bieber vs. the 2011 NBA All-Star Game

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    He scored eight points, had four assists and two rebounds—and he didn’t even play for the winning team. 

    Justin Bieber didn’t win as much as the NBA lost when the young man was voted MVP of the game by "fans."

    Then again, Bieber spent most of the game getting elbowed in the head, pulling up his pants and failing to touch his toes while stretching.

    Both sides walked away from this one bloodied, but Bieber (undeservedly) came away the victor by winning MVP. Thanks, "Beliebers." Too bad your bedazzled smart phone votes don't count at the Grammys

    Sports: 1 Bieber: 2

Justin Bieber vs. Complete Apathy

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    The only things Justin Bieber looks for during Lakers game is Kiss Cam moments with Selena Gomez and chats with Will Smith’s son.

    Otherwise, he spends the game buried neck deep in his Twitter.**

    Chalk up a W for sports! *Slaps five, chugs beer and then remembers he’s writing a show on Justin Bieber*  


    Sports: 2 Bieber: 2

    **But of course he's on his phone. It’s not like any seriously respected figure in the world of sports is going to give him the time of day...

Justin Bieber vs. Phil Jackson (Part 1)

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    Oh, COME ON.

    An utterly surprising, bile-inducing moment occurred in 2010 when Los Angeles Lakers co-owner Jeanie Buss talked then-Lakers head coach Phil Jackson into loaning the singer one of his NBA title rings to wear for one of the team's home games.

    The bowl cut wins again.

    Sports: 2 Bieber: 3

Justin Bieber vs. Phil Jackson (Part 2)

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    Bieber might've defiled one of his rings, but former Lakers coach Phil Jackson had the last grimace when cameras caught him gawking at the house sound system in disgust during a game against the New Orleans Hornets.

    Bieber's hit song "Baby" was blasting through the speakers, and Jackson looked as though he'd take any excuse he could get to skeet shoot the amps out of the air.

    Sports: 3 Bieber: 3

Justin Bieber vs. the Toronto Maple Leafs

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    Warning: Drake drops a little choice language on this video’s soundtrack.

    A product of Canada, Justin Bieber is reportedly a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, despite the fact he wears LA Kings gear. He also isn’t a stranger to the ice, which I have to admit he navigates well after watching this video of the singer practicing with the Leafs in 2011.

    Bieber pulled some surprisingly slick moves against Jonas Gustavsson, slipping a few pucks past the keeper in a shoot-out drill. Gustavsson might’ve let Bieber have them, but a couple times I think caught him trying to block a shot.

    Also, it’s worth noting that the Leafs’ Jake Gardiner admitted he’s “a big fan” of Justin Bieber, and he loved the singer’s movie Never Say Never (we all have that friend).

    So while my body is physically struggling to do it, Bieber has conquered the Leafs and another point must be awarded in his favor.

    Sports: 3 Bieber: 4

Justin Bieber vs. Barcelona FC

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    No one passes to him, no one wants to.

    Bieber took some time out to try and play some soccer with some members of Barcelona and its development squad. It amounted to two fantastic exhibitions of Bieber being ignored and getting stonewalled by people who didn’t care to let him run the show. 

    Also, he chose to be the only guy in the green training jersey, because he’s low key. Barca won both legs of this series.

    Sports: 4 Bieber: 4

Justin Bieber vs. Shaq

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    It’s a travesty of monolithic proportions, but Justin Bieber technically became the second pop singer in history to defeat Shaq in basketball in 2012.

    Unfortunately for Bieber, the game wasn’t one-on-one the whole time, and it doesn’t count if the Diesel lets you win.

    I gave Bieber the benefit of the doubt with the Leafs, but I’ll choke down a lawn rake before I personally give him credit this victory.

    Rules are rules, however. Shaq did this to himself, and the shame will rest on us and House O'Neal as a result.

    Sports: 4 Bieber: 5

Justin Bieber vs. Boxing

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    Floyd “Money” Mayweather rolls deep. With 50 Cent and Lil Wayne in his corner, undefeated five-division world champion of boxing has an entourage with a long rap sheet and street cred by the kilo. 

    And then there’s Bieber.

    The young pop singer appeared to have been photoshopped into the scene when Mayweather walked out to fight against Miguel Cotto in 2012. 

    Somehow there’s an explanation for this, and it's the queer fact that Mayweather is afflicted with the fever of the Bieber. The champ has said before via TMZ.com that he wants to be Bieber’s mentor and that he was inspired by the film Never Say Never

    These admissions of respect could’ve been overlooked, this picture can’t be. 

    *Slams head onto table*

    Sports: 4 Bieber: 6

Bieber Wins

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    God blammit...

    Welp. Guess I'll pour up a Big Gulp with extra crow.

    We're beating ourselves here, people. We've got to be better than this, and by "we" I mean "sports as a whole." Athletes. Media. You. Me. Everyone.

    Enjoy it for now, Bieber—but just know this isn't over. You will have your comeuppance. In the meantime, this is a video of you throwing up onstage.

    *Stares out the window as mushroom clouds form on the horizon*

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