New BR Feature: The Nutsack Report!

Julian JohnsonCorrespondent IApril 22, 2009

CLEVELAND - APRIL 21: Zydrunas Ilgauskas #11 of the Cleveland Cavaliers keeps the ball away from Jason Maxiell #54 of the Detroit Pistons in Game Two of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals during the 2009 NBA Playoffs at Quicken Loans Arena on April 21, 2009 in Cleveland, Ohio. Cleveland won the game 94-82, taking a 2-0 series lead. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

In an effort to provide equal time for those who prefer jock straps to g-strings, here is the first installment of a new, ESPN'esque series here at BR, the Nutsack Report. 

Our mission at NR is to answer the question: "why should blonde's with breasts have more fun and receive more coverage on BR than jocks with lead socks in their shorts?!"  Our audience is real men and the washer-women who walk one step behind them.   These men are secure enough to admit that they'd like to be a fly-on-the-wall in the locker room shower after a tough, sweaty game between black behemoths. 

We at BR cater far too much to the bitch-made punks who read our incisive, analytical reporting between monkey spanks while gazing at foxy, anorexic cheerleaders. NR is changing the game and WE will set a new standard for sports journalism.

Let's face it: who doesn't want to know what Lebron is packing, or D-Wade, or God forbid, hear how much damage the Diesel can do?!  What Answer does Allen offer his legion of Hotel Ho's on the d-low?  What are the top ten cities to catch NBA ballers in the grip of 'Jungle Fever?' Where is Pete Vescey when you need him?!  Relax, homie, because we at NR will fill that gash with the salami you salivate over.   

We find it wholly unnecessary, mind you, to check the teeth of these b-ball dunking draft horses that made Milwaukee and David Stern great. No. We go straight for the holy West African seed, the fount of these dusky freak's genetic makeup. Why should Jack Nicholson and Dyan Cannon and all the other corporate fairies get a bird's eye view of the Terrordome?!  Worry no more.  NR is here!

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Henceforth, our penetration of the nether regions of taste and African American  anatomy will be aided by a team of specialists previously employed by TMZ.  Sporting the latest, minimalist technology, these stealthy agents will provide you with "the news that you can use" - 82 games per year.  Video and photographic imagery with the highest zoom rate possible will take you into the lap of the action. The jungle. You are THERE! 

Its all for you, just for you and you're all that matters.  And if, by chance, our life-sized/low-angle reporting leaves you feeling a little less, er, um, impressive, there is still plenty of the usual, recurrent, toxic, 24/7 beat down on females - that you love so much and you know who you are, baby bubba. Why it'll have you higher than crack and PBR in no time. A little dab will do ya, Nikkuh!