Wrestling's Dr. Fix It: Dr. Bobby Buttons

Well, what are you standing there for? Come in and welcome to my office.

Since you're a new client, I figured I'd do most of the talking. Sorta break the ice if you know what I mean. Where to start... I know, I'll tell you bit about myself and what I do.

My name's Dr. Bobby Buttons, but I guess you know that already since it's on the door. Ah, moving on. I've been helping wrestlers, fans, promoters, haters and small children cope with the wacky world of wrestling for over 30 years.

You see, what I do here is kinda simple. Folks have questions and problems with wrestling and I fix them. That's why they call me Dr. Fix it. But since you're here I guess you know that too.

Err, well on to things you don't know, like maybe my past clients. You see, your problems aren't belonging to you alone. I've helped people from all over the world.

Like Vincent Kennedy McMahon for one. He'd just bought the company from his daddy and things were going great for a while, until they weren't. He had no idea what to do. He kept pacing back and forth, cursing under his breath and kicking my cats.

When I finally got him calmed down to ask what seemed to be the matter, the solution was quite simple. You see he was starting this thing called Wrestlemania, he originally wanted to call it Vinnie's Wrestlepalooza, but that's a different story.

You see, Vincent's problem was that he had this huge show but no main event. Well he knew he had a tag team bout scheduled, Piper and Ordorff versus Hogan. But Hogan needed a partner. Originally Vincent wanted to go with Brutus Beefcake because he had a cool mullet, but I told him to think bigger.

And after fidgeting back and forth, he began to turn all red because he had nothing. He again began cursing and wiped everything off my desk. I was not amused.

And being as bad as I want to be I looked him straight in the eye and told him to put an end to the shenanigans. After all, I have a solution.

He stopped immediately and had a twinkle in his eye. Think big, dark skinned, he's been big in the movies and is a huge TV star and even better hair than Beefcake, I told him.

After thinking for a second he looked up, the fat kid from The Goonies?!

Err, no. I shook it off and kept going. I was thinking more like Mr. T. Vincent paused before swooping me up in a big bear hug while laying a big wet kiss on my forehead.

He quickly scampered off, and the rest is what they say's history.

But look at me rambling on about the past. That's way before your time. Let me catch you up with more current things.

Uh, little known fact Dwayne Johnson is an excellent cook. Don't believe me check out his pics when he was known as Maivia, before the lipo.

I used to call him up all the time, "Hey Rocky what's going on." "Oh, nothing I'm just whippin' up some pie," he'd usually reply. "Oh, man. I can smell whatcha cooking there." I stated.

"Can you smell what I'm cooking all the way from there?" He questioned. "Uh, yup. I think so. Hold on... Yup I can definitely smell what you're cooking." I confirmed. "You can smell what the Rock's cooking. Well I'll be." Said an astonished Dewayne.

And you can establish after 4 or 5 conversations like this, and whoop, a catchphrase is born.

But that's not all I did. Somethings where very minor. Like convincing Yokozuna, God rest his soul, not to wear speedo tights.

Hooking up Stephanie and Paul. Telling Vincent to hire Vince Russo. Telling Vincent to fire Vince Russo. Pushing Bret Hart after steroid scandal number one. Adding the New Age Outlaws to DX. Denying Leif Cassidy from the DX, despite his constant head banging. Pushing CM Punk after steroid scandal number 2. Pushing Christopher to win the title after CM Punk as champ scandal number 1. As well the McMahon million dollar mania and Billy and Chuck.

Oh, my gosh. I've went and run my precious mouth so much we couldn't get to your problem.

What was it? How to fix the Draft? Why did the WWE bore us with a fourth show? How I told TNA to drop the MEM? Well save your questions for next time. I'm sure to get to them all.

Thanks for coming to see Dr. Bobby Buttons, err, me. Until next time, don't let wrestling push your Buttons. He, he, he.

Don't forget to check out Hit The Ropes Radio for this week's special guest, former WWE, WCW and ECW star, Big Vito. Plus, Turnbuckle 2 Turnbuckle makes its long awaited return, TNA prizes are given away, and more—this Wednesday at 6 p.m. Eastern.