Beanie Wells is Totally Ready for the NFL

Eager to gain any edge he can as he enters the National Football League, former Ohio State running back Chris “Beanie” Wells underwent a controversial operation this week, having league-approved shoulder pads surgically inserted underneath his skin.

Dude is not taking any chances with equipment malfunctions this year.

April 15

1968—Actor Anthony Michael Hall is born. This is relevant to a sports site because he once played a star high school quarterback in Johnny Be Good. Yep, Anthony Michael Hall as a QB. Totally believable.

2000—Former MLB player Frenchy Bordagaray dies at the age of 90. Bordagaray played in the majors back when dudes were named Frenchy.

2009—Cardinals fans who had April 14 in the “when will Chris Carpenter suffer his first injury” pool are collecting their winnings.

You should (LISTEN TO ANOTHER NEW RANKING SYSTEM), because (ESPN) said so…

Evidently, when you’re the self-proclaimed "worldwide leader in sports," you can do whatever the hell you want. Case in point, when you want to promote specific athletic programs and/or athletes, you can simply develop your own "ranking" system that justifies your motives and objectives.

Well that settles it, folks. Mark Sanchez is this year’s best available college quarterback, way better than Kansas State’s Josh Freeman and Georgia’s Matt Stafford.

What?? Don’t believe us? Yeah, well take a look at these numbers, you uninformed rube. I think I rest my case.

At least ESPN was gracious enough to provide insight into its algorithm. The formula includes starts, completion percentage, and touchdown/interception ratio.

Thanks for the information. Includes?  What the hell does that mean?

We wouldn’t know since we’re unaware what else this stat "includes," but judging from the picture above, we’re guessing the other statistics that pushed Sanchez to the top of the leaderboard were "prominence of dirt 'stache" and "willingness to sport bangs on team photo day."

One such perk is being the face of your own energy drink—even if it allows for you to scare the freaking bejesus out of everyone else in society.

I’m drinking Tiger…and I’m terrified.

Julie Adelsberger inducts another unfortunate soul into her JSF Tool Shed, teaching youngsters everywhere not to ditch the handlebars.

And speaking of handlebars, Dr. Aaron revisits some of his early season NBA (and other) predictions.

The Media Circus fails to show up on it’s regularly scheduled day and is fined $10,000 by Roger Goodell.