Roger Federer Taken Hostage (Humour)

Frankie's News

BREAKING NEWS!

Former tennis world No.1 and fan favourite Roger Federer was captured in the early hours of this morning and is currently being held hostage. The exact whereabouts of the tennis ace is unknown as this goes to print. However, it is thought that he is being held somewhere in the state of Texas...

Frankie’s News (the best for breaking all the latest stories) can exclusively reveal that the man responsible for this atrocity is none other than Federer’s tennis colleague and another former tennis world No.1 himself, Andy Roddick.

It is not known what state of mind Roddick was in when the kidnapping took place, but judging by the statement released by Roddick just over an hour ago, it’s not a stable one.

Frankie's News is, as always, the first to provide its readers with the latest developments in this story and has managed to get access to the statement. It reads as follows:

Dear Guys and Gals,

This statement is to confirm that the rumours are true. I, Andy Roddick, the best American player on the ATP tennis tour and winner of the US Open in 2003, have captured Roger Federer and am holding him hostage. (That is, unless you guys have found me by the time this thing gets printed...which I hope doesn’t happen.)

Anyway, I want to assure you that Roger is being treated kindly and munching on a home-made waffle as we speak.

So I hear you ask, “Why, Andy? Why have you kidnapped Roger? What has he ever done to you?”

Well guys, I can answer that all too easily. “What has he ever done to you?” I’ll tell you what he has done to me; the guy has now HUMILIATED me one too many times. That’s what he’s done.

I mean, I could take it when he took my world No.1 ranking all those years ago. I mean, I’d only had it for like...what...three months? But hey, at the time I thought that he’d at least give me a chance of getting it back sometime in the near future.

Well we all know how that turned out—four years at the top for Roger—that’s just plain greedy in my books. At least the Spanish kid put an end to that! (See how it feels Roger? Not nice, is it?)

Then there’s the head-to-head record I have going with Roger. It’s not pretty whatever way you look at it.

Two wins out of nineteen meetings with the same player is not something you want on your résumé. I mean, if it wasn’t for this dude I could have been the US Open champ for a second time and had two Wimbledon titles (two!) That would hurt anyone’s feelings...

I was supposed to be Pete Sampras’ heir. I was the next big thing from America. All the millions of people living in America had these huge expectations of me. They thought that I was going to be the next big thing in tennis after Pete had retired.

Then this Swiss guy (who only has the expectation of like...what...one sheep...resting on him?) comes along and just takes about every prize going in tennis.

But I think you’ll agree that I’ve always been pretty humble in my defeats to him. That’s one thing I can handle well—the media. Sure, I’ve been frustrated at times, but I’ve always maintained that I like and respect Roger and that he is an awesome player.

I was even backing him to win the US Open last year after all the critics were writing him off...how nice am I?

And so how does Roger repay me?

I’ll tell you how he repays me. He goes and beats me in the Miami Masters. All that work, all that training, all those burgers I have refused to eat...all that talk of “the new and improved Roddick” and for what? He still beats me.

But that’s not the worst of it. No, the WORST THING, the thing that really works me up until I turn the colour of a beetroot, is what he did after that. Roger chose to completely self-destruct against Novak Djokovic.

NOVAK, I tell you!! Can you believe it?! Even I beat that kid the last two times we met...in fact, I pretty much destroyed him in Indian Wells. And the “great” Roger Federer decides to practically hand the match to him on a plate while I worked my butt off to try and get a win against Roger. It's just not fair.

In fact, it's just not right, and the blame has to be entirely with Roger.

So that is why I am holding him hostage. I think now that you have read all I have to say, you’ll agree that it is completely fair.

I won’t be releasing him no matter how much money any of you offer me. I will be keeping him hostage until the 5th of July when he can watch Rafa take another title at Wimbledon or the Scottish kid get his first Slam.

Either way, that should give him a taste of his own medicine!

I’ve decided to pull out of all the clay tournaments in order to carry out my plan. It’s not as though I’m going to lose any ranking points there anyway...we all know I hate the red dirt.

It also means Roger won’t have the chance to try and win the French Open again this year (although I doubt that is going to bother him too much).

I had been debating whether to let him play in Paris as it may mean a repeat of last year’s final...which I must say I enjoyed immensely…but I don’t think he deserves that kind of generosity.

I hope that the press will now leave us in peace.

Yours Most Sincerely,

Andrew Stephen Roddick