LeBron James: An Interview With The Divine One (Satire)

In a time when LeBron James is leading his once-lowly Cavaliers to the best record in the league, we begin to wonder—is he man, or God?

He's in a heated race for league MVP with Dwyane Wade and Kobe Bryant, so I took the time to sit down with the omnipotent James and ask a few questions.

This is a lot like the movie Interview With a Vampire, except I'm not Christian Slater, and he's not Tom Cruise. Brad Pitt may or may not show up in the interview, however.

The interviewer, me, will be designated as "IN," and James will be "King."

IN: Hi LeBron, it's nice to be able to sit and talk with you. I know you have a busy schedule, so I truly appreciate you taking the time to do this.

King: Busy? You know I am a multi-tasker. I'm everywhere at once. I'm actually playing a game right now. We're up by six.

IN: Oh...okay. Who are you facing?

King: It's actually two games. The Bucks and Thunder.

IN: Wow, that is impressive. You're in Milwaukee and Oklahoma City at the same time.

King: And I'm here with you. So, let's start this thing.

IN: Shouldn't we keep tradition and throw some chalk in the air?

King: I already did that today. Twice.

IN: Okay, enough about that. Tell me what makes you so good. Correction, so great.

King: I'm omnipotent. I'm omniscient. I'm...

IN: God?

King: Well, being The King is close to God, I guess.

IN: But you're literally in three places at the same time. How else would you...

King: I just dunked the ball.

IN: Stay with me, LeBron. How else could you be in all these places at the same time?

King: Okay, you got me. I'm God.

IN: So, in being God, I have to ask, where's your true originality?

King: What do you mean?

IN: I mean, you know, the chalk, the No. 23...stuff like that.

King: I'm not following, and I missed a lay-up. You're breaking my concentration.

IN: I thought you could divide your focus.

King: I already am. I have 27 assists.

IN: That's a lie.

King: I'm George Washington, baby. Give me a cherry tree. I cannot tell a lie.

IN: Well, if that truly is the case, then Scott Skiles should be in the stadium trying to kill you right now.

King: Already taken care of.

IN: Excuse me?

King: And one, BABY! (James looks to his right and addresses someone) What's up, dude?

IN: Who the heck was that? Was that Brad Pitt?

King: Yes. Yes it was.

IN: I don't understand. Wait, really? How is he here?

King: I conjured his image. Next question.

IN: Okay. Back to my previous question then, if you can remember it.

King: So you're trying to say I copy Kevin Garnett with the chalk, Michael Jordan with the jersey number, and I haven't done anything original?

IN: Yes, this is what I am suggesting.

King: Well, you got me.

IN: Wait, you're admitting to this? You're accepting your lack of creativity?

King: It's difficult to be so creative when I'm this awesome. I mean, I can do everything on the basketball court with my eyes closed.

IN: Oh? Prove it. Finish the Thunder game with your eyes closed.

King: Okay, I will.

IN: Let me know how it goes.

King: We lost by 30.

IN: Okay, enough of that. Who's going to win the MVP this year?

King: (looks right and then left) Are you talking to me? I mean, are you kidding? You're looking at the King, baby. Me, of course.

IN: But Wade and Bryant have been equally impressive.

King: How so?

IN: Wade is carrying the Heat to the playoffs, has scored 50 points twice this season, as well as 40 on 10 separate occasions. How is that not worthy of MVP consideration?

King: Can Wade alter the earth's axis? Can Bryant be more than one place at the same time? Can...

IN: Okay, okay. You're the MVP. Whatever.

King: Thank you.

IN: One final question, and then I'll let you get back to your other game.

King: We lost by 10.

IN: You tried the closed eyes thing again?

King: Yes.

IN: Actually, now that I think of it, you playing two games at the same time literally makes no sense. How does that work with the NBA's actual schedule?

King: I made it happen. Don't worry about it.

I continued talking with Mr. James, only to find him absent from the actual interview, even though he was sitting right across from me. It was clear his mind was elsewhere. Possibly in Milwaukee. Possibly in Oklahoma City.

The truth is, no one knows. All we do know, is that James is awesome, and even he knows it.