Hang 'Em High: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly in Lonesome Dove Valley

The spurs are on, not many words are spoken, but this spaghetti western is about to begin.

There’s already been a shootout, a time of silence, and now an upcoming time of truce.  So these good old boys are getting together in Lonesome Dove Valley next week.  They’ll all ride in saddle in tow and slowly approach the building.  Ah, if only the walls could talk.  Well, here’s to wishful thinking.

The Mexican flamenco guitar is playing in the background as the film begins. 

The desperados start their walk towards the building in the old dusty town, spurs on and ready to go.

{Ching ~ Ching ~ Ching ~ Ching ~ Ching ~}

(It’s time to role the credits and meet the players)

(In some faded Old West font)

Hang ‘Em High (text fades)

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Young Guns in Lonesome Dove Valley (text fade)

Staring

Jay Cutler as Doc Holiday ala Val Kilmer (text fade)

{Ching~}

Josh McDaniel as The New Kid in Town (Curly Bill Pecos) ala Emilio Estevez (text fade)

{Ching~}

Brian Xanders as The Old West Banker (text fade)

{Cha-Ching~}

Pat Bowlen as The High Plains Drifter aka The Preacher ala Clint Eastwood (text fade)

 {Ching~}

Bus Cook as Wyatt Earp ala Kurt Russell (text fade)

{Ching~}

With Special Guest Appearances By:

Mike Shanahan as Gene Autry

John Elway as The Duke

Scott Hastings as Ringo

The Orange Crush defense as The Law

Brandon Marshall as The Outlaw Josey Wales

And yours truly as The Poker Dealer

The gathering has taken shape and all of the players were seated.  The High Plains Drifter stands up to address the group.

The Preacher begins,  “I hate long speeches, so I’ll keep it short.  This group has been playing a game amongst one another, so I’ve decided to keep this light-hearted.  Tonight we are here to play a friendly game of poker.  At the end of this game, all of the lying, cheating, and deceit comes to an end.”

{Silence starts to overtake the room.  The Drifter begins to walk about the room, somewhat in disgust, but with the ‘ere of a father.}

“So tonight, have fun, play cards, play your cards, but know that when this game is over, your game is over.”

The players, the bankers, the agents all alike began to sit in silent reflection.  The night started out with two full tables to accommodate everyone.  The night was starting out as the sunlight faded.  The poker room had a haze of dust in the overhead lamps.  The winter had not yet come to an end, but felt like spring time in the Rocky Mountains.

Wyatt Earp spoke up on behalf of his friend Doc Holiday as the cards started being dealt.

“It’s been said that there is no faster gun in the west, save one and they are both in this room tonight.  So with all due respect to The Duke, Doc is now in his prime and there has been a rift between him and The New Kid ever since The High Plains Drifter ran Gene Autry off the ranch.  We have come to call for peace and forgiveness with one another.”

Doc Holliday speaks up out of turn

“I’m your huckleberry!”

“Wyatt I am rolling!  There they are, The New Kid In Town and Ringo, I don’t know Wyatt, should I hate ‘em?”

Just about that time the Old West Banker grew nervous as The Outlaw Josey Wales burst into the room, he was late as usual, and is immediately arrested by The Law for disturbing the peace.

“Wait!  Wait!  You got the wrong guy!” Josey said in a strained voice while he was taken down and handcuffed by the group of rangers. 

It was a real shame; he had bullets (two aces) as his current playing hand.  Too bad he could have won the hand and done so much with his skills.  He couldn’t reach or read the cards with his hands tied behind his back.  His hand, along with his talent went into the muck (discard pile).

Meanwhile Wyatt started to get a splitting headache as he thought life around Doc would always be a vacation.  “Where’s Virgil when I need him?  C’mon Doc, let’s just settle down and play cards.”

Ringo then began to get in on the act, calling Doc the “B” word.  He then decided to fling his six shooter about faster than he could ever stutter.  He was clearly now on Doc’s radar.

Doc got up slowly from his seat, starred down Ringo and began to show him and Curly Bill up with an old tin cream dispenser as if it were his six shooter.  Flinging and slinging the tin piece about the room to subtle laughter, just as fast as or faster than Ringo with his six shooter.

By this time, The Preacher started wishing things would have worked out with Gene Autry.  He also missed the days when times were simpler with The Duke at the helm.  He was the sort of dude that would punch a doggie just for shedding on him.  He’d also laugh it off with an infectious smile and get in the mug of any rival, never backing down.  The funny thing was he always chose to keep a low profile around Doc weather he felt disrespected or not.  Some think he was just trying to keep the peace in Lonesome Dove Valley.

The New Kid In Town, also known as Curly Bill was somewhat new to the old west.  Sure he had been out on business previously, but never to stay longer than a day or two.

In light of the recent events of the evening, The Law got up to speak. 

“Gentlemen.  We live in a different time now, we all agree on that one.  But back when we were young bucks we replaced a coach and later had some regrets about it.  Sure we made it to the Super Bowl under Red, but that wasn’t the point.  The point was there was some internal turmoil that was never fully resolved.  Which is what we got right here, which is the way you want it?  Well you get it.  But the problem is, you don’t get it!  The Law became The Law around here because we cared about this unit as a family!  To this day we keep in touch.  We have some among us who have never received their due, but we still talk on the weekends and reminisce about the old stories.  You all have a God given right to be something better than you are right now, take it.  Take that horse and run with it!”

Curly Bill finally realized that he over did it on his arrival.  Sure he made a statement to not accept something mediocre, but was rather childish about the way he went about his business.  The Banker learned a valueable lesson as well as he was the newest hand on the ranch.

The Outlaw Josey Wales heart sunk inside himself in disgust.  It seemed the less he tried to be over the top, the more he was accepted around the room.  The Law eventually let him loose.

Doc, well Doc was himself, but he had been humbled in recent years with a number of life issues.  This talk from The Law only made him reflect upon his leadership and the skills he feared would one day disappear.  He looked across the room and started to understand The Duke a little bit better.  He then got up on a chair for a brief moment.

“Hey listen, everyone, I’m not the sort to back down or back off anything that’s been done or said, but I do ask for your forgiveness.  I’d really like to see if we could get this card game started over.  Could you guys (pointing at The Law) give Josey his Ace’s back.  Can we start all over tonight.  I think I’ve learned a little bit of a big lesson, I think we all have, but it’s my job to make this group one that’s worth remembering.  Well what do you say?  Can we play cards?”

With that The Duke yelled “Shuffle up and deal!”  He then invited Doc to sit next to him at his table.  Doc and The Duke started to bond from that day forward.  It even brought a tear to Gene Autry’s eyes and The High Plains Drifter breathed a sigh of relief.

Not a single shot was fired.  The camp fire was started and putting a comfortable heat into a room that was so cold.  So the boys sat around, had a brew deciding to play some cards, and finally started to understand what it took to be remembered.

It was one simple word, that word was respect.

Suddenly the Valley wasn’t so lonely anymore, in fact the light and the fire in the eyes of everyone in the room was contagious.  It seemed they finally had an opportunity to reach some of the glories of the past.  So they started to think about the points they could score, and the teams they could stop. 

By the end of the evening they all gathered together in a moment to make a toast and take a shot.  They raised the glasses overhead, waiting for everyone to enter the circle with their shot glass.  They decided that night, if they were going to die as an organization (which they weren't going to do), they would do it with their boots on.  In the best way they knew how, in referring to the points on the board  and the teams they would play come fall. 

They all together in unison exclaimed:  “Hang Em High!”

With that the shots were downed and the desperados realized their faults but knew they were the better for it.  The card game went on into the night, they all won and lost their fair share of hands.  The only thing anyone remembers is that they all had fun that night.  Who won?  Nobody knows, and noone cared.