The Media Circus

Good bye Emmitt Smith. You will be missed. Your time at ESPN was a bountiful heaping of crap that actually came from your mouth. As a token of our appreciation for your Fernando Vina level analysis, we look to our friends at Barstool Sports for a few classic 1-liners from the NFL’s all time leading rusher.

“Not only does he have the NFC East record for touchdowns, but also the team record.”

“Go to Arizona, sharp as a whistle, and do some finishing touches.”

“You cannot change the stripes of a leopard.”

“The leadership definitely have to come from the leaders.”

Safe to say that Emmitt’s broadcasting career got blowed up.

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Crap That Actually Came From Someone’s Mouth
“Signing the supposedly retired Brett Favre would bring in a star. Norby Williamson, ESPN executive vice president, says ESPN hopes to meet with Favre next month: “He’s a funny, dynamic guy and would add to anybody’s coverage.” – Michael Heistand, USA Today

One question to Norby – do you think it would be professional if Berman spent the entire duration of the show gazing at Brett like he was a teenager looking at one of the Jonas Brothers?  Because that’s our guess as to what will happen.
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“It’s funny to me, because you play and you’ve got four years of playing cornerback, and you think you’re doing well, and it’s like none of that means anything. Everybody has something to prove.” – Malcom Jenkins, Ohio State Cornerback after the Combine

Seriously Malcolm, why would four years of actual game play supercede two days of drills?  With thinking like that, we’re guessing you didn’t do well on the Wonderlic.
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“He was trying to pick up his mouth guard and stick it in his mouth - that’s like trying to pick a glob of mercury off the kitchen table with catcher’s gloves.” - Jerry Izenberg, on ESPN Classic
“It was the greatest first round i ever saw in my life from flyweights to heavyweights to bar fights.” - Izenberg

Few things can entertain as much as an old, overweight man recanting boxing tales on ESPN Classic. For all the crap the WorldWide Leader gets (rightfully so), the boxing specials on ESPN never fail to entertain.
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The Mystical Power of the Combine
Perhaps no athletic showcase carries quite the mystique that the NFL Combine does.  Simply put, one weekend chock full of spandex, stopwatches, orange cones and Mike Mayock has somehow become capable of overriding entire college careers in the blink of an eye.  It’s an ironic fact considering nowhere on the weekend docket is an actual game or scrimmage.

Chief amongst the contributing factors to the growing phenomenon that is the Combine is the media’s coverage, which has gone from a few random highlights of guys in tights playing “how many of those things can you touch when you jump” to 24-hour non-stop analysis of everything from hundredths of a second on 40 times to the number of bench press reps a guy was able to throw up.

Even more amusing than the constant coverage of what amounts to a training session is the fact that most people still have no clue how to interpret them.  Sure even the Skip Bayless’ of the world understand that the guy who did 30 bench press reps is stronger than the guy who did 22, but the non-quantifiable items become a little more difficult to understand often resulting in completely contradictory analysis from the bystanders.  For example, how is one to figure out the Rubix Cube that is USC quarterback Mark Sanchez?

Southern Cal’s Sanchez did nothing to make anyone believe he’s top 10 material at this point. He struggled quite a bit on passes he threw outside the numbers, near the sidelines, and only looked great on slant patterns. I expect any potential chatter about Sanchez being a real option for the Lions at No. 1 to all but evaporate unless he has a boffo pro day workout next month. - Don Banks, SI.com

An old pro like Donnie Banks isn’t going to misfire on his review of Sanchez’s throwing is he?  Russ Lande says, absolutely.

Southern Cal’s Mark Sanchez helped himself in passing drills and tests. He showed a quick, compact delivery and release. He drove into his passes and the ball exploded out of his hand.  Teams were impressed that Sanchez decided to throw and did not look nervous or anxious. – Russ Lande, Sporting News

Which Sanchez will show up in the NFL?  Our guess is the same guy who played at USC for three years.

Sanchez isn’t the only QB drawing both rave and poor reviews. Kansas State’s Josh Freeman was able to be both the sleeper and an underachiever depending on the person giving the review,

The player who had the most “upside” in terms of size and tools didn’t blow anyone away Sunday. He’s got a strong arm, likely second only to Stafford. But Freeman was inconsistent Sunday, missing some passes and generally not featuring great consistency with his ball placement.  In short, he looks like a project, and that might knock him out of the first round. Now it’s clear why so many talent evaluators thought he made a mistake in bypassing his senior season. He could have used that polish in this setting. – Charles Robinson, Yahoo Sports

Meanwhile, Kansas State’s Josh Freeman continues to generate a buzz. Not only did he run well and jump out of the stadium on his broad jump of 9-11, but he was every bit as big as expected measuring close to 6-6 and 248 pounds. – Pete Fiutak, CollegeSportsNews.com

Let’s face it people, if there’s anything that is a guarantee of a quarterback’s success in the NFL, it’s the broad jump.

Analogous Comparison: A-Rod is to Mainstream as Pujols is to St. Louis

Here in the Gateway to the West, our benevolent media isn’t afraid to get its professional level obsession on with one Pujols Albert.

Navy accelerating sports sponsorships as well as lives
In the recent Big 12 basketball game between Mizzou and Colorado, Navy served as the official sponsor for the “Defender of the Game” award, which one might presume would be awarded towards the end of the game.  But, people, when you’ve got a segment being sponsored by an arm of the US Military whose slogan is “accelerate your life”, you need to be prepared for that timeline to be pushed up a shade.

That means that those lazy slobs who were waiting for the award to be given with only a few seconds left in the game received a rude awakening when the Navy unleashed the formal decision on the Defender of the Game with a whopping 13 minutes left in the second half.

So what if a player on either team went nuts on the defensive end in the last third of the game, 27 out of 40 minutes is plenty to determine a worthy recipient when you’ve got bigger and better things to focus your attention on like protecting the world’s seas.  If you’re one of those who thinks otherwise, we’ve got a few words of advice for you – join the Air Force, jerkoff.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line
If Bob had a soulmate in the snappy business, it would be college basketball announcer Dave Armstrong.  Both men have an innate ability to mine any and every opportunity for a top notch snapper.  Last year, Armstrong received two thumbs skyward from the Bobber on numerous occasions and this year, he’s back to his old tricks and saw an obvious opportunity when it came to Colorado’s Javon Coney…

“That was Coney out there all by himself.  You could say he was on Coney’s Island” – Dave Armstrong

The only thing that could make Bob smile any bigger than that would be if he was holding a Coney Island hot dog while hearing it.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them at [e-mail].