"Eastbound & Down" Rules and Everything Joe Torre Said Was Right

Eastbound & Down Rules 

Eastbound & Down is a new comedy show on HBO that follows the struggles of a North Carolina redneck who was once a star relief pitcher in the Major Leagues “with an arm like a fucking cannon” and has since plummeted from grace and become a lowly gym teacher in his hometown elementary school.

Kenny Powers, a drug-addict and alcoholic who is an odious mixture of John Rocker and Bad Santa, was a 19-year-old prodigy when he made his debut for the Atlanta Braves in game 7 of the 2001 World Series.

With the bases loaded and two outs in the ninth inning, Powers, who claims to have never once drunk a glass of water in his lifetime, blazed a 101-mph fastball past an overmatched hitter and Atlanta dramatically won the championship.

The following season, Powers hysteria swept the nation and fans became smitten with the mullet-donning renegade with the golden wing.

"Everyone wanted a piece of my shit," said the white-trash endorsement machine.

One of the first products the reliever advocated was Powers Chew, with the appropriate slogan, "I spit it. You suck it."

Unfortunately for the Shelby County native, fame and fortune did not bode well for his career as a professional baseball player.

As the hick's waistband expanded, his ERA inflated and he began blaming his failures on his team.

After becoming a free-agent and leaving Atlanta, Powers started a rudderless journey that saw him play in New York ("You mean Jew York?"), Baltimore and the Bay Area ("I gotta tell ya, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad. But, it turns out they're nothing compared to these fags they got in San Francisco").

Powers' obnoxious attitude and eroded skills inevitably and justifiably ushered him to the unemployment line. The flash-in-the-pan superstar currently mooches off of his brother, Dustin, and resides at his siblings address.

Unlike the Dude, Kenny Powers is not "a hero."

However, in this rogue day and age, how many heroes can actually be found in the world of sports?

Eastbound and Down is certainly politically incorrect and it will never be mistaken for Field of Dreams.

Still, it's an entertaining way to spend 30 minutes on a boring Sunday night in February and if you don't like it, "then maybe you just suck."

Everything Joe Torre Said Was Right

The Yankee Years, a book co-authored by Sports Illustrated writer Tom Verducci and Los Angeles Dodgers Manager Joe Torre, is still hotly debated nearly a month since the book was released.

The 500-page account of Torre’s 12 years as manager of the New York Yankees created a firestorm of controversies because of its candid glimpses inside the Bombers clubhouse and for the surprising and secretive revelations it offered to readers.

Many critics have vilified Torre, 68, and labeled him a vengeful, money-whore who broke baseball’s revered code of silence by going public with his experiences in the Bronx.

Critics of the writing fail to acknowledge that every topic mentioned by Torre held truth, and each ballplayer that he harshly chastised in print deserved his wrath.

“It was a great 12 years in New York,” said the two-time Manager of the Year (1996, 1998) and 1971 National League MVP. “I was just letting people know what goes into the decision-making, and I think I did that without violating any confidences.”

When Torre took the reins from popular Yankees skipper Buck Showalter in November 1995, he was immediately dubbed “Clueless” by the New York Daily News because his coaching pedigree had been average previously.

The Brooklyn native promptly proved he had a clue and he helped guide the Bombers to four World Series championships in five remarkable seasons.

Torre was the ideal person to handle the Big Apple media circus and lead a cast of selfless athletes to glory in the Bronx.

Unfortunately, the win-at-all-costs culture that had been created since Torre arrived in New York quickly dissipated after the Yankees lost the 2001 World Series to the Arizona Diamondbacks and they failed to capture their fourth consecutive championship.

"Sometimes you win four World Series the first five years; people think it's a piece of cake."

The Bombers bats were stifled in the Fall Classic by the Diamondbacks duo of pitching aces, Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling, and New York’s drifting brass was intent on altering their roster in the pending off-season.

Mere weeks after New York failed to win their first championship since the 1997 season, the Yankees signed Oakland Athletics free-agent meathead Jason Giambi to a 7-year $120 million deal.

Giambi, the 2000 AL MVP, is an inept fielder with a big bat and he's not the type of player that the Yankees had designed their most recent successes behind.

Torre, sensing that Giambi's signing was destined to fail, opposed the juicehead's acquisition in writing so that he couldn't be deemed responsible when he burst in the Bronx.

Giambi's nonsensical arrival sadly coincided with the departures of dynasty stalwarts Paul O'Neill, Scott Brosius, and Tino Martinez.

As the glorious era of yesteryear continued to decay, Tore became convinced that General Manager Brian Cashman had become overly reliant on statistics when it came to deciding what players to court via trades and free-agency.

"Do yourself a favor, Brian, and never forget there's a heartbeat in this game," Torre advised his boss.

Much to the chagrin of Yankees fans everywhere, Cashman did not heed the sage advice of his former employee who has the seventh most managerial wins in the history of the sport of baseball.

Cashman, his superiors, and his flock of cronies increasingly coveted rotisserie-type players instead of ones whose only mission on the field was to win.

Over a span of four years, Cashman aimlessly agreed to terms with fantasy players like Gary Sheffield, Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Carl Pavano, and Alex Rodriguez.

Sheffield, 40, is an admitted steroid abuser and he is an angry black man who plays the race card with a liberal fashion that would have made Johnny Cochran smirk. Shef, a nine-time All-Star who has played for seven teams, accused Torre of being a racist after leaving the Yankees.

"He was always a suspicious person," said Torre.

Torre's blunt remark regarding Sheffield is an understatement akin to saying Dolly Parton has tits. There is a reason that a player of Sheffield's magnitude has played on so many teams; it is because he is a living hemorrhoid and he destroys clubhouses to their cores.

Carl Pavano signed a four-year contract worth $39.95 million in 2005. Pavano’s time in pinstripes was marred by a litany of mysterious ailments. After one pathetic and pink injury after another, Torre was informed by former Yankees bullpen coach Joe Kerrigan that Pavano, 33, said, "I'm not blowing my arm out for this organization."

Upon hearing Pavano's revolting declaration, Torre confronted Pavano and asked, "Pav, this organization gave you $40 million and has been patient with you. What I want to know is, for what organization would you be willing to risk blowing out your arm?"

One of the greatest free-agent signings in the history of the Yankees organization, Mike Mussina, was also highly critical of Alyssa Milano's former bitch.

"It just didn't look good from a player's and teammate’s standpoint," Mussina said of Pavano's injuries. “Was everything just coincidence? Over and over again? I don't know."

"The players all hated him. It was no secret," said Torre of the wretched bust who went 9-8 with a 5.10 ERA over 26 feeble starts.

Pavano is a man who was paid for doing zilch on 161^st and River Avenue and he enjoyed sapping the Yankees for every dime they signed him for despite his anemic production. Pavano is a vulva and Torre was right to call a spade a spade.

Randy Johnson was traded from the Snakes to New York in the winter of 2005. “The Big Unit,” a difficult, mullet-donning sideshow, pitched respectably for the Yankees in two seasons as he went 34-19 with a 4.43 ERA.

However, from the very moment that the dove-killer entered Gotham and accosted a reporter, he did not reach the heights that were expected of him when he was attained by the Bombers.

"It was sad more than frustrating when we got him, because I thought we finally had someone you could hook your wagon to and that wasn't the case,” said the creator of the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation. “The biggest surprise to me was how Randy Johnson could get rattled. I wish we knew that about him in 2001 when we played against him. You could rattle him."

It's not surprising that Johnson’s fiery and surly attitude didn't mesh well with Torre and his penchant for calmness. Sometimes two individuals simply don’t jive and it is acceptable that Torre verified this fact in his book.

In February 2004, the Yankees traded Alfonso Soriano and a player to be named later for Alex “the Cooler” Rodriguez. From the very outset, it was apparent that Rodriguez was a spectacular talent who was never meant to play for the fabled New York Yankees franchise.

"It changed the personality somewhat," Torre flatly stated when asked about A-Fraud being delivered to the Bronx. "Alex needs all of those statistics. He needs every record imaginable. And he needs people to make a fuss over him."

The admitted steroid abuser one day likely will own “every record imaginable.” But, he will never be a winner and Torre correctly implied as much.

Torre simultaneously bashed both Brown and Yankees folk hero David Wells.

"The difference between Kevin Brown and David Wells is that both make your life miserable, but David Wells meant to,” said the survivor of prostate cancer. "I think I had more disagreements with Boomer than any other player. But, my job was to deal with it; his job was to deal with it.”

Brown, a six-time All-Star who played for six teams and found his name in the Mitchell Report, is a loose cannon in the mold of Omar Little and he is positively not a player that is good for teams chemistry.

Wells, a three-time All-Star who played for 11 teams, was a very productive player for the Yankees. The 1998 ALCS MVP was a big-game pitcher. Sadly, he is an even bigger asshole.

“Boomer,” who claims to have thrown a perfect game nearly shitfaced, is a divisive character who never shuts his mouth.

The hefty lefty claims Torre "broke the code" when he disclosed stories from within the clubhouse “and when you break the code, you're a punk."

Wells, the portly bastard that he is, knows all about dealing with punks. In September 2002, the 6’4”, 240-pound athlete was sucker punched in a diner on Manhattan’s Upper East Side by Rocco Graziosa, a 5’7”, 150-pound midget.

“I’ve been offended,” a drunken Wells slurred to a 911 operator after Graziosa knocked out three of his teeth.

The operator responded to the worthless loudmouth, “Can you describe the man, sir?”

“Yeah, he’s a fucking mula,” said the eloquent hurler. “He’s a fucking Italian, little squatty-body motherfucker, alright?”

Yet again, Torre stands on solid ground for belittling two clown pockets like Wells and Brown.

Finally, Torre perfectly explained why so many Yankees have been linked to performance enhancing drugs.

"You had two guys from New York doing all the talking in the Mitchell report,” the skipper stated with entire honesty. “That's why you have information on New York players."

As stated ad nauseam, if the Director of the Boston Red Sox, George Mitchell, left the Tri-State area to conduct a thorough and fair investigation into the usage of banned performance enhancing substances in baseball, the nation would realize that steroids are not simply a Big Apple epidemic.

Joe Torre is not Gandhi and he may not even be deserving of the moniker "Saint Joe." But the people he called out in The Yankee Years and the statements he made were all precise and truthful.

Joe's not “clueless” and he's not a “saint.” But, he's somewhere in between and I’ll always like him for it.

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